Your Stage : Logline for Current Screenplay Project by Dan Harris

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Dan Harris

Logline for Current Screenplay Project

Hey everyone. I'm hoping to get any feedback, advice and opinions anyone has regarding the logline of my current (and first ever) project. I'm also more than happy to exchange the favor.

Much obliged!

Logline:

"When an ambitious and promising young architect’s world is turned upside down with the death of his mother, he turns to the pages of a drug addict’s lost journal, in an effort to comfort his grief and not lose his dream job."

Phil Clarke

Hi Dan. You do well to clearly state your protagonist, but it's hard to fathom why he would turn to the addict's journal to cope with his loss and furthermore why this would lead to him keeping his job. Essentially, the plot points you mention feel disconnected. It's hard to imagine the story journey. Also,while you do well to state what's at stake "his job", I'd urge you to try and convey more about the conflict, the obstacles, the antagonistic forces at hand. Generally, I would be a little concerned that the story isn't quite cinematic enough. Losing a parent and a job are, sadly, quite common issues. Is there more you could convey to make this story concept bigger?

Hope this is of some help, Dan. And if you'd like more help on creating a solid logline, I have created a helpsheet that I provided for my Bulletin subscribers that I could send your way. Feel free to message me if this is of any interest.

Phil

www.philmscribe.com

Kay Luke

I like it, with a few minor corrections.

It forces me to ask myself, "what did he think he could find in those pages?"

The second comma is incorrect. Lose it.

"with the death" is a bit awkward. Maybe After? Or restructure the line.

"not lose his dream job" takes away the power of his grief. Plus, Grief is a good word to end on.

A logline should intrigue the reader to ask for the script (or at least the Treatment), not explain the story. By emphasizing the Characters motivation, you've done that.

What DID he think he could find in those pages?

Dan Harris

Thank you both for your feedback and suggestions. EVERY one made sense to me. After reworking some bits, I believe I addressed all the points both of you brought up and would appreciate feedback on the recently editted logline below.

"When an ambitious and promising young architect’s world is turned upside down after losing his mother to cancer, he finds unlikely comfort in the pages of a drug addict's journal while on a duel mission to obtain his dream job and discover a higher meaning in the wake of a personal tragedy."

Once again, thank you both so much for taking the time to read and critique this.

Kay Luke

He shoots---

He scores!

Phil Clarke

This certainly reads better than the first logline, but I am still not sold on the story thread, if I am honest. Young architect - drug addict - dream job - higher meaning... the disconnect still remains for me. Also: small point: I suspect you mean "dual", not "duel". Give me a shout if I can be of more help, Dan. All the very best.

Matt Derin

I think this is an excellent start, but I agree that the connection between the protagonist and the journal is amorphous and that the "dream job" aspect could be more compelling.

As far as the journal, I'd suggest adding a little info as to how the architect came to possess the journal. Is it the journal of his now-deceased friend, brother, mentor? That will also help with the character's motivation and with clarifying what the "personal tragedy" is. If the personal tragedy is losing his mother to cancer, then referring back to it at the end of the logline seems redundant.

I also wonder what the dream job is if he is already an architect. Is it a job at a firm? A job designing a huge building? It might be cleaner to remove the "dream job" aspect from the logline entirely and focus on the character points rather than the plot points.

There are a lot of different ways you could go with reworking the logline and it's obviously difficult to take a stab at a logline without knowing anything else about the project, but hopefully these thoughts have been helpful.

-Matt

www.TVScriptConsulting.com

Dan Harris

I appreciate the time and effort it took for everyone to provide feedback. I really appreciate all of it. After racking my brain a bit and considering all the feedback, this was the result....

“When an aspiring young architect loses his mother to cancer and his world is turned upside down, he discovers inspiration in the most unlikely of places while on a dual mission to obtain his dream job and find a higher meaning to his personal tragedy.”

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