Your Stage : Three loglines by Christian Pius

Hey CP

I'm just a simple guy with a public education and questionable storytelling skills. Take/or don't take my feedback.

All 3 loglines were meh. I didn't see/read clear story lines. All 3 were hard to grasp. Maybe simpler, concise word phrases. "Retard" is no longer used in today's PC world.

I'm no grammar Nazi but all 3 loglines were incomplete run-on sentences. Check your punctuation.

Thank you, Dan MaxXx. It is quite noted. Please, comment in the post with your corrections. The punctuations are checked, I see nothing wrong.

they all read funny (in a bad way) to my eyeballs. Open end phrases. Ask Jody. She's good at fixing logic.

@Jody Ellis. What do you think?

Christian, I concur with Dan M. All three are incomplete sentences. In order to be a complete sentence, a group of words needs to contain a subject and a verb, and express a complete thought. Your loglines are a mush of independent clauses and/or sentence fragments.

"Through the wavering of a forbidden love, a humble small town classroom teacher, turned into a roaring activist, following the brutal killing of his boyfriend."

Huh?

Put those into sentence structure and you get something like:

"After the brutal killing of his boyfriend, a humble small town teacher must face his fears and lead a group of activists to bring about social acceptance, and help bring those responsible to justice."

Here's something that may be helpful to you. It's Christopher Lockhart's paper on how to construct a logline: http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf. :)

Keep working those loglines! Best to you!

Thanks Beth Fox Heisinger ! This is very helpful. Checking out the link.