Archive 6725 KILBOURNE Reader 8116 What did I like? For most of the script, the pace of the film was nice and quick, unburdened by long expositional dialogue. The script establishes characters and conflicts in the opening scenes, and the story commences at a nice, quick pace. This script is a wild ride. Each character has a distinct voice and seems like a unique individual, which is important in a film with so many characters. I could hear the different voices of all the characters while I was reading, which is always a good sign. I liked the change in my perspective on Edward the the script achieves. At first I thought he was essentially a demon - a boy like the boy in Lynne Ramsay’s film We Need to Talk About Kevin (which if you haven’t seen you should definitely watch). But in your pilot I felt myself slowly starting to sympathize with and understand Edward. I could go even deeper with Edward - which is good - because this is only the first chapter in a longer work. You have a definite control of the mood of the script and you have a lot of ideas about making this script/series a dark crazy ride, and think, with a little more work, you will have a distinctive, polished psychological horror pilot. What needed work? You should help us relate to your current characters more by giving them more dimension. There isn’t enough depth to many of your central characters, in particular I’d like to understand Zoe and Frank better. Zoe feels too much like she is in either Edward’s orbit or Derek’s orbit. She seems very weak. And for her to go from essentially not resisting her rape by the Professor to slitting the the professor’s throat with a glass shard was a very big shift. Similarly, I don’t understand Frank at all. If he is so monstrous, why does he go to the psychologist? Why does he kill Koaleen? Is Edward (through the fake suicide note) telling the truth about Frank, i.e. that Frank was having an affair? Perhaps these are questions you plan to answer in future episodes, but I’m still baffled by Frank’s behavior. Since Korean Boy introduces himself as Cho, and has so many lines, go ahead and put him as Cho in the character name line rather than Korean Boy. While a fast pace is typically good, I think a lot of these moments are so big and full of violence that you may need more pages for us to understand the characters actions. So much happens in these 37 pages! It’s enough plot for several episodes. I could imagine taking an entire episode to reach the moment on page 9 when Edward says, “Edward is dead.” Oroson Scott Card, in his book about characters, says that we consume fiction in order to understand a character better than we understand anyone else besides ourselves. I like your characters, but I consistently felt that - just when I was close to achieving some kind of new insight into them - the script would swerve into violence. You’ve made a great start, but I believe you can dig a little deeper into these characters and their lives to unearth something new and novel, something revelatory. As you are letting us see the world through these characters eyes, I would like to be more surprised by what I see.