CHAPTER 1
I removed my shoes as I entered the house. I still cannot believe that I failed my biology test today. I mean, I didn't prepare for it but I still hoped for the best. I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, checking what I could grab while I waited for dinner.
" Mother!!!" She didn't prepare anything again This woman is something else. I do love her and everything, but this online book club of hers has been taking so much of her time.
"Yes dear, I'm coming." I heard her footsteps as she was descending the stairs and sure enough, she had a book in her hands . She was also wearing reading glasses .
"You forgot to do the groceries again, didn't you?" I asked. even though we both knew that there wasn't any food in the house.
"Uhhh maybe I might have forgotten it , but I swear I was about to go now." She squashed her eyes closed .
You know, sometimes I wonder who's the elderly in this house since our father went away to join the army and left us three with mom. Things have been a mess in the house. Just imagine six months of disaster , plus I have to also take care of my other 2 twin siblings . who are only 15 years old and I'm a 21-year old still in college
"Yes, yes, I believe you just give me the money and the car keys and I'll go and buy them." I placed the bag that I had strabed on my back on the floor. While I waited for mom to come back with the car keys , I knew very well that she'd take more than ten minutes searching for them . She never puts anything where it's supposed to be anyway.
"Here and please do buy anything else extra you need ...oh also, I didn't have time to write the list. Will you be able to buy everything that we are short of by yourself ?" She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other one , while looking eager to go back to that book club class, whatever it was.
"Yeah, you can go back to whatever you were-" I didn't get to finish my sentence and she was already running back to her study. That's what it's like to have a writer for a mom, always eager to go back to writing her lies and discussing them I never understood why she was so obsessed with aliens, vampires, wolves, and all the other weird things. It's not like they're real.
I took all that I needed and left .
Tell me what you think about it and thank you so much for tuning in ❤
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Hey P, this is Geoff from the Stage 32 team. I just wanted to let you know I moved your post from Screenwriting to Authoring & Playwriting, as it fits much better there. Let me know if you have any questions, and all the best to you!
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P Sibambo Hi P, how are you doing? Please tell me more about this project. Is it for a short story? A novel? Is this the complete chapter? Is it a writing project so that you can develop your craft? Or are you aiming to self-publish it?
For me the characters need a little more fleshing out to give them a hook for the reader, as well as the world they are inhabiting. Phrases like “writing her lies” I think needs to be developed more. All the best, Geoff
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A few simple tricks writers have up their sleeves could help:
1) Grammar is a good thing, use it properly, even in social media posts.
2) Proper punctuation goes a long way toward making something enjoyable to read and engaging.
3) Compound sentences are a great way to vary the cadence/metre of your prose, but they really ought to contain a comma before the, but, and, so, or following clause.
4) What is being described ought to make sense. It may be fiction, but still, it has to be believable. For instance: I removed my shoes as I entered the house. Okay, sure... fine. I pretty much zoned out at that point (sorry), trying to get my head around removing one's shoes while entering a building. I'm confused: shoes are worn on feet, and feet are used for entering a house.
5) Overuse of I in the first-person can and should be minimised. The first paragraph (4 sentences) contains ten references to the narrator. (I is used ten times in four sentences.) Reference to the speaking voice should only happen once per paragraph and less is even better.
6) Repeated words in consecutive sentences should be avoided, or substituted---only if there's no other way of expressing something necessary. I still... But still...
7) Use of as for anything but comparison is weak. (Actually, weak is weak... what I meant to say is, it is simply wrong). Using as to compound sentences means you need two sentences or another coordinating conjunction. Remember FANBOYS? No, it's not a groovy boy-band, it's a mnemonic for conjunctions: FANBOYS: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, and So.
8) Be aware of arse-burn! Something that occurs when sunshine is blown up yours. Don't take praise, especially from anything online that markets to writers---or outside the halls of academia---with anything but a huge grain of salt.
9) Read one-thousand words for every one you write (more is better).
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Hi P, Thanks for sharing your work here. It looks like you're just starting to flesh out an idea and beginning of a story, that's an exciting place to be. One of the best places to start is the basics of writing itself. Make sure you really understand how to use grammar, punctuation, story structure, character development. I'm not sure what writing formats you're interested in but here are a few links to webinars that might be helpful to you.
The Fundamentals of Story and Screenwriting Structure https://www.stage32.com/classes/Create-Your-Feature-Film-Outline-With-A-...
The Shortcut to Creating Unique and Authentic Characters You Didn't Know You Needed: The Enneagram https://www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Shortcut-to-Creating-Unique-and-Aut...
Netflix + Stage 32 Present: How to Write Drama Scripts for Streaming Television https://www.stage32.com/webinars/Netflix-%20-Stage-32-Present-How-to-Wri...