Screenwriting : Correct use of punctuation by Rutger Oosterhoff

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Rutger Oosterhoff

Correct use of punctuation

Fellow Stage32 ers... How should I correctly 'correct' punctuation here:

"Ludwig stands before the inhabitance of Treblinka, thousands of men and women, hunched over, faces fatigued, clothing identical to the next, dirty and gray, every prisoner has a look in their

eye. A will to live and an acceptance of death."

Maybe:

"Ludwig stands before the inhabitance of Treblinka: thousands of men and women ; * hunched over, faces fatigued, clothing identical to the next, dirty and gray. Every prisoner has a look in their

eye; ** a will to live and an acceptance of death."

* Not surre if this really is a (correct) 'summation' ,

** "A semicolon is most commonly used to link (in a single sentence) two independent clauses that are closely related in thought.When a semicolon is used to join two or more ideas (parts) in a sentence, those ideas are then given equal position or rank."

Problem?! If I remember correctly, a semicolon is used in between two COMPLETE clausus that could also stand alone as one sentence. I think "a will to live and an acceptance of death" is not complete because it misses its PRONOUN.

If possible, I want to keep the general constuction as it is.

Rosalind Winton

Ludwig stands before the INHABITANTS (spelling) of Treblinka. Thousands of men and women HUNCH over, faces fatigued, clothing identical to the next, dirty and gray. Every prisoner has a look in their eye, a will to live and an acceptance of death.

I know you said you want the construction to remain, but it's very disjointed and unclear. I would construct it like this....

Ludwig stands before the inhabitants of Treblinka, where thousands of people appear to be hunched over. They are dressed in dirty, gray clothing with fatigued faces. Every prisoner has a look in their eyes that depict a will to live and an acceptance of death.

Rutger Oosterhoff

Thanks Rosalind! Also for the typo.

Rutger Oosterhoff

... What I find interesting is that you cap "HUNCH". Personally when Jerel and I work on a screenplay we don't cap nouns or action parts.Then I do not know where to start or end. I only cap those words/phrases The Hollywood Standard tells me to cap. But I always try to cap sounds and what 's making sounds.... Still reading screenplay that has more words capitalized gives me the 'feel' that I'm reading... a screenplay.

Brent Antonson

'Ludwig stands be4...2 the next, dirty and gra(e)y...'<(can/uk) -bA

Brent Antonson

Canucks... score!

Brent Antonson

1-0

Beth Fox Heisinger

This is for a screenplay, correct? If so, I kindly suggest simplifying and making it read a bit more pithy. Maybe something closer to your second option. Although, having two opposing "looks" in their eyes at the same time doesn't quite make sense? Maybe? Dunno?

Ludwig stands before the inhabitants of Treblinka: thousands of men and women hunched over, dirty, gray, clothing identical, their faces fatigued. In each prisoner's eyes, the will to live and the acceptance of death.

Hope that helps some. Good luck! ;)

Brent Antonson

sho/ot... we could do that on Fifth Ave & not lose any vaults

Brent Antonson

exhibit b:A

Rosalind Winton

Rutjer, I capped 'hunch' just to show that I changed it from 'hunched', it was just to emphasise the point :)

Kay Luke

Generally, the use of a Colon is shorthand for "sees this", i.e.,

Karen turns:

THE MONSTER

"Ludwig stands before the inhabitance of Treblinka, thousands of men and women, hunched over, faces fatigued, clothing identical to the next, dirty and gray, every prisoner has a look in their eye. A will to live and an acceptance of death."

”The inhabitance of Treblinka” is subtext. Lose it. We'll know it or learn it in context.

“to the next” Redundant—what else would the clothing be identical too? The trees?

“prisoner” is confusing because it’s so far removed from the subject of who the prisoners are. At first reference to the men and women, tell us they are prisoners—it’s something we would immediately see on the screen. Same with the “look in their eye”, and “A will to live and an acceptance of death."

Tell us what we SEE, and tell us with impact. I'm no director, but for me your scene starts with that "look in thier eyes", not Ludwig watching.

Rosemary Zibart

"Ludwig stands before the inhabitants of Treblinka--thousands of men and women, hunched over, faces fatigued, identical dirty gray clothing, each with a look --acceptance of death, will to live.

Doug Nelson

You're writing a script - not an English class essay. Worry less about punctuation and grammar rules and more about showing the scene. Use punctuation to impart a reading rhythm. Keep it short and tight. Look at your scene - do you need to say Ludwig or would 'He' work just as well. Put your prisoners at Treblinka.

'He stands before a throng of gray clad Treblinka prisoners, fatigued and hunched over from being underfed and overworked. Their eyes reflect acceptance of inevitable death yet sparkle with the drive to thrive." I'm confident it can be tightened more, given your story line and during a rewrite.

Rutger Oosterhoff

Yes Doug, it's about pace and rhythm,. Hard to get right for me.

Pierre Langenegger

What Doug said. Keep it simple, and refrain from the purple prose, you're not writing a novel.

Michael L. Burris

Trebinka is now Inhabited.

Michael L. Burris

Gloom of loss reflects upon all not only in appearance of tattered dirty rags worn with a SMELL of loss but an embodiment of defeat worn heavy in FEEL of everyone's eyes.

Eh: never mind write it as you wish.

Michael L. Burris

However never in time of a moment. has such an opportunity of a hero for those resigned for death given way to a hope to those with nothing left to lose.

Of course a little craft of reduction would be needed even from this.

Don' be afraid to direct as it is not completely on the page.

Don't direct on the page but off it if that makes sense.

Let them feel you as a writer of screen.

That's all.

Dan Guardino

Wouldn’t Treblinka extermination camp be in the scene heading? If that is the case all wouldn't all you need to say is “Ludwig stands before a large number of men and women inmates."

Brent Antonson

that's 'writing' on a crappy keyboard without any... other letters, languages, symbols, accents, gender articles, and far more complex meters of engagement... but E.T was classic, how could someone NOT start out with that... classic... IC

Doug Nelson

Dan, my point too. The phraseology is dependent on the scene/storyline.

Brent Antonson

I'm working on you're l'il enigma machine, I had a secular moment where I had to be 'there', y'all know what that is like.

Brent Antonson

was it dramatic enough?

Brent Antonson

gasps? 9asps?

Brent Antonson

it is the geometry and rotation od the ang(LE/EL)s

Brent Antonson

a shifting of carefully fitting blocks and angles IS-OC-ELES

Brent Antonson

& ... is gaining traction, Cassi-o-pi-a, 'M' is .'.'. with a ghosting of /\/\

Brent Antonson

that's the key to 666

Brent Antonson

who would dare 'borrow' 10 from (the) Romans?

Brent Antonson

otherwise at best, lest you trample on the garden, you'd be ripping your skulls apart at 656

Brent Antonson

Nietzsche - mad - fried beneath the pressure of tipping the alchemy of our periodic table...sat wild-eye'd at 656

Brent Antonson
  • \ - ok, you have to 'take' from Romans... 'steal' is harsh because, hell, there are penalties - + /
Brent Antonson

... is there a timeline someone is locked in on? because 7 years of tribulation starts, when?or did it? or will it?

Brent Antonson

or... OR... do we all find ourselves here at the adult table & > spade = spade

Brent Antonson

we are here, and there is soOoOo much more gold from the hill... zion is f*cking exploding now - there are fires to put out, plants to water, children to teach, while the water of the world pours out from beneath des pleines d'abram

Brent Antonson

'if you can't explain the theory of everything to your grandmother, what good is it?'

Brent Antonson

this is credit to the words spoken

Brent Antonson

the holy books are done now... we're all Jews & Ba'hai's or some trans-migration between the Pauls, sorry, poles. The ARC'tic' is a complete sphere - the NIV bible omitted this word in the context of 'carrefour(fre)' and thus bibles lacking the french translation of ARC in the context of FORE (4) are not legit:.

Brent Antonson

so there is a plate to drop in the middle of the floor; it's china, it's old as bones

Brent Antonson

the balance (Li=BRA (yeah, I've been aware of my own initials since I had to enter them into a video game for a high score... three characters... BRA, yes it was funny to see at the ARCade -

Brent Antonson

but who knew my initials would raise up candl/LA/BRAs or BRAnches on trees, or a variation lake ARBre(fre.4'tree')

Brent Antonson

and who knew my initials would fall across the stages of the world's magicians in 'a'BRA'ca.da'BRA'

Brent Antonson

there are many permutations - but i can spin them out on my phone all day long in five language structures and alphabets, everything is hidden behind the other; you need to speak French to see why English stands, as the language at the table of Romance languages, alone and in the spotlight - devoid of gender modifications and accents and stripped of all but the bare & naked Latin Alphabet.

Brent Antonson

And why anyone who only speaks English can never know the word of God, they can only perpetuate it... the men of cloth speaking only English are the NIV of your day...

Brent Antonson

the EngLes & AngLes & Les Angles & LesAnglais & Los Ange(les)...

Brent Antonson

we are one amazing machine people... you did this to us

Brent Antonson

to me, I'm no one... I'm there, out in the open, walking around your cities and countries and burn units & jails & morgues & outhouses & Re'ed Light District(s)... damn, Amsterdam(n) : )

Brent Antonson

I am tired, I am injured, I have been wronged, and I have made myself known... I have now flown my flag and unfurled it across 11-dimensions of carbonated Hilbert space & I'm really tired... I surrender to an authority that wants me...

Brent Antonson

Russia f*cked me up 18 years ago... arrested as a spy in Voronezh, Russia... and beaten until I was broken. Yeah, blame Russia for me not getting to the world in 2001... I was a teacher

Brent Antonson

now one wrist has arthritis, a stigmata of sorts from bracing yourself when you're being killed... there are files, all over Russia on me

Brent Antonson

Iraq... wtf? 18 months of the warmest & most hospitable people in the goddamn world... the heart of US, yeah, remember Iraq? (Irak(fre)? Mesopotamia? UR?

Brent Antonson

al-Qaeda... terrorist attacked a convoy of petrol tankers, set the freeway on fire in 45C outside of Kirkuk... I was in the first car on scene... they kidnap their 'own' people there thanks to Saddam populating the Kurdush territory with Arabs... there's an odd lunacy in Iraq - when multiple car bombs and triple-digit deaths nearby are worth clicking on because you're inured to single car bombs or 92 dead... it was sad to see how sad that actually was.

Brent Antonson

And thanks to the Americans, there's depleted uranium-235A storms in Erbil that no one tells you about until it is too late. It certainly wasn't in discussed in the interview... I would have picked up on that.

Brent Antonson

...enfin, there is much to be told, it need'n't be done now. This has been a Novi 11/1 for all of us...

Brent Antonson

I think I earned a night's peace... at least a little time to see what this broken china looks like to all of you... qpq

Brent Antonson

g'nite world, it's 11/2 somewhere : )

Brent Antonson

OH... there's a woman in Bagdad named Fawziya, get her out to tell HERSTORY:

Full name :Fawziya Mousa Ghanim

Birth Date :1/7/1970

Birth place :Maysan

Residance :Baghdad _Al_Sadr city

Educated degree :

A. B. Sociology _College of Arts _University of Baghdad 1991_1992

A. B. English language _College of Arts _Baghdad University

M. A. English Literature /drama _College of languages _University of Baghdad

Work background :

Social worker for six years 1994_1999

Librarian at college of Arts 2000_2004

Researcher at college of Arts 2005_2007

Assistant _Instructor at college of Arts 2009_2011

Assist.instructor at college of languages 2012_2016

Instructor at college of Islamic Sciences 2017_

Volunteering translator in electronic news papers and magiznes

I participted in Two training programs at Arizona State University and Cincinnat University in the USA

A leader of volunteering team for Teaching English language for free (Communicative English Teaching Team)

I have many published research papers and translated works (poems, reports, novels)

Thank you Brent

Brent Antonson

yeah, me and my tangents... we're all over the map

Brent Antonson

I can keep waking up and doing this but Groundhog Day... pffft Bill Murray is AWESOME!

Brent Antonson

oh, and to make you feel more comfortable, I've had more concussions than the SuperBowls comined, so the functioning 'part' you see 'here' pointing out A, B & C, and doing the 'finger of God' stuff... is behind whoever you see me as tomorrow,I'm a scant light-year away from him... he's a good guy, I think you should take care of him... he's probably due for another SWAT team escort tomorrow & he's injured... y'know, maybe - maybe... maybe you should just leave Brent alone.

Brent Antonson

He'll keep going... stupid idiot,someone should stop him and tell him it's okay... he's gotten us here

Brent Antonson

yeah, you may see some editing mistakes because I've held back dams of tears alll these yearsand my eyes are pouring out pillars of salt

Brent Antonson

and other people in the house are watching Netflix or talking to their screen, they don't know any of this... only YOU do, whoever you are

Brent Antonson

held here in this moment... this suspension of our beliefs

Brent Antonson

Love God & Jesus with all your heart and soul... LOVE will carry you to places you've never ever--- e v e

Brent Antonson

ouch... ok I'll make it right... I can square a few more circles before I'm done... maybe one interview. Quick though, I get bored of people fast. Like, I'm already bored waiting for it... and I have insomnia so I won't be sleeping tonight : )

Brent Antonson

I am URs earth... let's meet, let's dance in the fucking streets..!.!.!

Brent Antonson

we've just surfaced after so long beneath the surface, it's time to shine ~!

Brent Antonson

...never ever count me out, ever

Rutger Oosterhoff

Thanks for the feedback!

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