Screenwriting : Hello I am David, by David Leon King

David Leon King

Hello I am David,

It is nice being here, just writer looking for any kind feed back even some representation, my dream it have this little old sci-fi screen play come to life. Tell me if you go see a movie with this longline?

"A scientist devising a revolutionary new energy process is abducted by a UFO -- crewed by time travelers from the future, intent on helping him overcome a fatal flaw in the project and succeed, to ensure a bright future for all of humanity."

James Welday

Hi David, thank you for sharing. May I suggest a revised logline?

"After scientist (name), having devised a revolutionary new energy process, is abducted by travelers from another time, he needs their help to prevent a fatal flaw from taking place, thus ensuring humanity’s bright future.”

Bill Albert

I like where you're headed. Personally would end at "fatal flaw" cause it's a bigger cliffhanger.

Phil Clarke

Hi David. And welcome. Your logline has a lot of good stuff in it, but what I am not getting from it is any clear conflict. The UFO time travellers are intent on helping your protagonist... so who is the antagonist here? Who is intent on directly opposing your hero? This needs to come through. By all means message me anytime if you'd like to talk further.

David Leon King

Thank you so much Mrs Phil Clark yes I would like very much to discuss my work. I have other stuff I am working on too. Just aim so busy with work and life it is hard. But I been told by a few that have my story, that it is really witty, and has a good message to it.

I do agree the mention of my antagonist, the assassin sent to stop the mission.

But thank you again for feed back. I really next step is have someone like yourself read it and give me a honest opinion of it.

Thank you,

David

Phil Clarke

Mrs?? lol I'm pretty sure the beard gives away my gender. ;-)

By all means message me with regards to giving your script a full and objective read. You can reach me here or alternatively at: www.philmscribe.com

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