Your Stage : I want to get feedback on this logline for my script "New Earth" by Edward Goree

Edward Goree

I want to get feedback on this logline for my script "New Earth"

A dying Earth affected by Global warming causes’ mankind to invade an Earth like alien planet for survival.

Lee Darkin-Miller

Hi Edward, Overall I think it reads well. To throw some ideas around; could it do without the details? Like the Earth-like properties of the alien planet, or global warming - does Global Warming feature throughout the script, or is it just mentioned? If it's merely mentioned then maybe you could condense it - something like: A dying Earth causes mankind to invade an alien planet for it's survival. It's not necessarily an improvement but if that bit is condensed, it might make more room to include other, more important aspects of the story? But I don't know because I haven't read the script :D Sounds like a great script idea anyway! Good luck with it Edward!

Edward Goree

Thanks, Lee-Darkin-Miller. Yes, Global warming is mention throughout the script. I'll be happy to send it to you, if you want to read it.

Steve Cleary

When composing a logline, I like to start with the formula: When a [inciting incident happens], a [specific protagonist] must [accomplish goal or overcome obstacles] or else [what's at stake happens]. This gives an audience an overall sense of what your story is about and the hook gets them emotional invested in your hero thereby making them want to read the script. So for example: In a future where global warming made Earth uninhabitable, a space commander struggles with his orders to an invade an alien Earth-like planet to save civilization.

Herb P Grinker

Very well explained Steve ( I like that formula) thank you. And thank you Edward as well.

Stephen Barber

When the self-inflicting wounds, created by man, have killed their only planet, the only chance for survival rests on a new home. One that is not theirs to begin with... (?)

Anna Kalnina

Hi, Edward! Sounds good, but also broad. I would like to know what challenges they are facing when they try to invade that planet. I would like it to be a bit more specific.

Edward Goree

Damn Steve! You hit it right on the nose.... Stephen that's damn good also. Here's my synopsis. Mankind stands on the brink of extinction as its civilization is effected by Global warning destruction. The Worlds military forces wage war on an Earth like alien planet to take as their own for humanity survival. One race faces genocide and the other faces extinction. From opposing sides, two heroes are set on a collision course that will decide the fate of their family, their people, and their planet. As the two races collide, leaders from each side start to question if war is the only answer.

Zorrawa Emily Ann Jefferson

Okay I'll read it

Lee Darkin-Miller

Hey Edward, good to hook up - I'd love to take a look at your script, though I can't promise when I'd have it read by - but please send it through!

Edward Goree

Emily message me your email address.

Stephen Barber

@Edward. "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." ~ Sun Tzu.

Edward Goree

Lee Darkin-Miller message me your email address...

Edward Goree

Stephen Barber... you're right. Sun Tzu is a good read. My script has some of Sun Tzu elements in there.

Stephen Barber

Sounds like it would. I'd read it.

Edward Goree

Thank you everybody for your comments and feedback. As we know, sometimes the script is easier than writing the logline... Well, I know for me it is...lol. Thank you guys...

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