Screenwriting : Logline feedback need by Dale Devoe Inscore

How does him being a writer connect to the uncle being a satanic priest?

A failed big city writer decides to return to his hometown roots and finds that the town he grew up in was cursed by his uncle, a satanic priest.

I'm REALLY struggling with this Logline thing. How do u describe a good horror movie with one sentence? Set up, plot, plot twist, romantic side note, tie ins and ending.

Why doesn't anyone read synopsis anymore? Yeah, people in this business are busy I get that. But every question you guys asked about the movie that the Logline doesn't answer, the synopsis does.

All you're doing with your logline is setting up...it's about a guy who? The way I wrote it describes your protagonist( writer), antagonist( satanic priest uncle) and the stakes( his hometown). Get Save The Cat by Blake Snyder...or re-read it if you have it. There is a section on loglines. It should only be one or two sentences. Loglines aren't a problem for me...but Beat Sheets...DEAR GOD...Beat sheets! And it really doesn't matter Feck all what your Hero does ..he could be a plumber, teacher, whatever. It's about his journey from A to B and back again. I know..I'm struggling too.

Try asking this in the screenwriters section. You'll get lots of help there. But for now the logline gets someone interested enough to ask for the synopsis or treatment. But my understanding is the logline should give an adjective or two about the protagonist, an adjective about the antagonist and a word about the conflict these two will be involved in. Two or three sentences and less than 26 words. An unsuccessful writer goes back home when he discovers his Uncle, the Satanic high priest has put a curse on his hometown.

Too long. Try this - A failed writer returns to his hometown to discover that its been cursed by his great uncle.

After failing as a writer in the big city, small-town boy comes home to find out horrible secret family has been keeping a curse on his hometown which he now has to destroy.

Hey Dale, cool idea. Here is my two cents
The "after failing miserably as a writer in the big city" stuff is backstory, so leave that out. Him pursuing writing has nothing to do with his uncle's curse - at least on the face of this logline.
The only way you would put that in is IF he was WRITING a novel about his great uncle and somehow summoned him for example, i.e. the two things are connected
How is the curse manifested? People killing each other? Themselves? Anarchy?
Thirdly, give a sense of what the protag's action is in response to the discovery - does he team up with someone? Presumably he tries to end the curse, right?
So is this a plague movie like The Crazies?

He is going to destroy his hometown? How about if he just learns how to undo the curse. Anthony's is good above.

I don't know if you've written this already but It might be cool if the protagonist is a success in the big city BUT he's the only one that can stop a curse in his hometown because it was unleashed by his great uncle.. and therefore he has to make a hard choice about whether to prosper in the city or sacrifice his success to go home and do what's right for his hometown

Dave, I've written it already. It's ready for a producer. Guys I can't understand how him coming home after failing as a writer in the city isn't important, it explains why he's been gone and didn't know about the secret sooner.

Dillon thanks, the way it's been getting explained to me is, Logline instead of synopsis. U send me a one sentence description of a movie, I can promise I'll have more question than the sentence will answer.

I'm glad to see that others above had the same comment as me, maybe I'm finally learning some stuff. :) Yeah, I think it's really not necessary to explain why he didn't find out sooner. Much more important to say what he physically/actively does after he makes this discovery.

Dave I've got him as a failed writer coming home to figure out where he's going with his life. There's also some family issues thrown in because he left the farm, rather than being a farmer like his daddy and granddad. They recent him for following his dream rather than theirs. He's coming home as a zero and by the end of the movie, he saves the town, the town people and becomes the hero. I've even started on the quail. B

After being away for yrs, he comes home to discover a curse his great uncle, a satanic priest put on his hometown, a curse he now has to destroy.

From what you have, he could be returning home for a class reunion, a family member's death/wedding, a job transfer or any other reason and it wouldn't change your core story unless writing is key to the main conflict -e.g. he somehow uses his writing skills to defeat the problem

okay Dale i just read your latest comment. So it's like a redemption tale? From what I know, everything in a movie has to be connected, almost to an ironic level. So people don't have random occupations just cause, they have the most optimal occupation for the story. So for example, you'd almost be more likely to see him as a failed big city urban planner who returns to his hometown rather than a failed writer. Or another example, if it was a failed actor who left L.A and returned home but then became an undercover cop in his small town and therefore used his acting skills and in his own way, lived his dream. Am I making sense?

Sorry I don't mean to critique the story as you've already written it, but in the logline just focus on what happens from the quarter mark onwards

Well the Logline I just posted is as simple as I can make it lol.

I have him being a writer because as I was writing it, it just helped it make sense to me. The story doesn't work if he doesn't leave town to pursue another dream other than working on a farm as he grew up doing. There are several conflicts within the story that get solved as he's discovering how to defeat the curse.

I mean it's fine if he's a writer, just that that doesn't need to go in the logline. How about this:
An underachieving 30-something returns to his hometown to discover it has been cursed by a Satanic priest, the man’s great uncle, and he is the only person who can undo it.

What's wrong with the Logline I just posted lol?

McCrea's is better because there are too many words and if you have more conflict you should try to put it in there.

I'm preferring a synopsis more and more lol. I get the need for a Logline, but a synopsis is easier.

I can see where McCrea's Logline is better. As for putting more conflict in it. I've already been told twice that it's too long lol.

Right if you could do it they would call you a genius. I think people sometimes don't understand the process of logline, to synopsis or treatment to give me the script. It's not clear cut but if your new the marketing people always want to know concept first. They feel they don't need your synopsis because the story has already been beat to death by the tens of thousands of scripts on that same topic in the last two years. I guess the thing that is missing in this is that: you have to get the person who reads your logline to think to themselves, "Alright I'll read that one, that sounds cool."

It doesn't seem to matter that the kid is a failed writer, at least for the logline. Cut that, and you save 10 words.

I'm starting to realize the purpose for the Logline. You're either going to raise questions in a bad way, this don't make sense. Our curiosity in a good way, I need to read more.

Hey Dale, a logline basically should tell us who the story is about; what the situation is; and what is at stake; all with a hint of intrigue and/or irony. The stakes are not clear in your logline. What happens if the curse is not destroyed? What is personally at stake for the failed writer?

He is bashful only because he is afraid of conflict, and that makes him a bad writer. Now he goes back to his hometown and finds out his uncle has put a curse on the town and only he can stop him. Why does the uncle hate the town? And how do you stop a powerful curse?

It's a shame the great-uncle is dead already as a satanic priest always makes a good antagonist ;) Or is he going to make a reappearance? His life a failure, a writer returns to his hometown to find it cast under a deadly curse placed by a member of his own family which only he can lift.

Or: His life a failure a writer returns to find his hometown cursed by a member of his own family and realises he is the only one who can change the terrible future faced by the inhabitants.

The great uncle is Dead? I didn't know that. Now the writer has to invent a time machine and go back to the exact time when the great uncle put a curse on the town. We then can discover why he did it and Stop him by the end of act III, or mini movie 8.

A defeated young writer retreats to his hometown to discover an evil curse only he can undo.

How does the fact of his being a writer failed or not enter into the plot? It sounds as though he could have come home for any of hundreds of reasons.

If a producer likes your logline he/she may ask for your synopsis or treatment. When you look through the tv guide you see loglines and if someone likes your logline they may take a look at a trailer and maybe the movie. Read the guide on your television and all you see is log lines.

I agree with Rick, as far as the logline is concerned, it seems unimportant that the hero is a writer. If it is a crucial part of the story, that needs to be tied into the logline to make that clear.

Far too long which is one of the reasons it's not working. Plus, majorly, where is the challenge? What MUST he do? Revive the town? Remove the curse? Or what will befall him? Stick to a standard logline format. whereby you will be able to up the stakes throughout the script. At the moment, you have a flawed protagonist discovering old information and no task or consequences. Good luck!

what's the personal story? - leave that out and your logline is doomed. tell me why I care. http://www.wheresthedrama.com/loglinespremises.htm

Everyone can be a "writer," but not a thinker. Make the nephew find a way to bring his uncle's soul back, then he'll learn how to lift the course from the dead. Then, you'll have a good story.

Justin that would conflict with other parts of the story. That the problem with a Logline. This is a complex horror, with several twist which all come together at the end of the story, as I feel a good story does. Too much for a simple Logline. I've gotten some great advice from a lot of people on this and I thank you all. But if there's any one thing I've noticed after reading a lot of the comments. A lot of contradictions lol.

A small town man discovers a curse on his town and the ones he loves, which he must destroy or lose them both forever.

Logline: A successful writer returns home for the funeral of his great uncle and discovers that the man was a satanic priest who put a curse on the writer's home town. He struggles with staying and helping or returning to his easy life. Dale: the writer must struggle. He needs to make a choice - one way or the other. If he stays, he could die, if he leaves, he lives and the town dies.

Speaking of loglines...didn't know if anyone might be interested in reading this, but these are the loglines for the finalists in the Academy Nicholl Fellowship: http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/fellows/finalists-2014.html

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