Hey all, was hoping I could get some quick feedback on a logline for my TV pilot. These would be for the series logline. I have three of them and I'm just not sure which one reads better to me, especially since I keep looking at them. At this point they are all blurring together. So if I could beg for some feedback from you wonderful people, that would be amazing! The three that I have are:
1) After getting arrested, a repo woman with nothing to lose gets the opportunity of a lifetime when she is propositioned by a mysterious woman to repossess supernatural objects.
2) A young repo agent trying to keep her family business afloat gets the opportunity of a lifetime when she is propositioned by a mysterious woman to repossess supernatural objects.
3) A young repo agent trying to keep her family business afloat is hired by a mysterious museum curator to retrieve artifacts with supernatural powers, and they both learn the hard way that these items need to be kept out of human hands with bad intentions.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Again, I really appreciate all your feedback!
Pretty good, but but...
A struggling repo agent is hired to retrieve artifacts with supernatural powers and learns the hard way that they mustn’t fall into wrong hands.
1) After getting arrested, a repo woman with nothing to lose gets the opportunity of a lifetime when she is propositioned by a mysterious woman to repossess supernatural objects.
This needs connective tissue between the arrest and the supernatural objects. If there isn't any then it is okay to drop the arrest.
2) A young repo agent trying to keep her family business afloat gets the opportunity of a lifetime when she is propositioned by a mysterious woman to repossess supernatural objects.
Again connective tissue. It does give motivation.
3) A young repo agent trying to keep her family business afloat is hired by a mysterious museum curator to retrieve artifacts with supernatural powers, and they both learn the hard way that these items need to be kept out of human hands with bad intentions.
"they both learn the hard way that these items need to be kept out of human hands with bad intentions." Is is vague in a good way. It is also what the movie is about.
Your script sounds very complex with a lot happening. It can be hard to find the through line. Can I make the assumption that this is a "questionable" job. Otherwise the museum would have hired someone else.
What about this?
A broke young repo agent takes a dubious job to recover an ancient artifact but ..... cause her to ...... to stop .......
A broke young repo agent takes a dubious job to recover an ancient artifact which trigger the worst in people. she must fight off people and her own murderous urges to make sure these items are never found again and stop the mayhem they cause.
At 45 words it is long. But I don't know the detail in your story so it is hard to get to the heart.
A broke young repo agent takes a dubious job to recover an ancient artifact but she soon learns of their deadly power and must prevent their retrieval while.....
An ancient power is triggered during the dubious retrieval of artifacts for a museum forcing a young repo agent to......
Drop me a line at craig.griffiths@griffithscreative.com.au I have a book on Amazon about loglines, I'll send you a copy.
Regards
Craig