I’m developing a comedy film and wanted feedback from other screenwriters on a sequence in the story. The idea is a desperation montage where a group of friends lose their jobs right before rent is due and spends the night trying ridiculous ways to make money.
Group of Friends: LaKeith Stanfield, Pete Davidson, Ken Jeong, Zach Galifianakis
Here’s the sequence:
All of them get fired the same day and realize rent is due the next morning. In panic, they split up and try different schemes to quickly make cash.
• Porta-potty shake down: They hide near construction porta-potties and wait for someone to go inside. They bang on the door and threaten to tip it over unless the person slides money under the door. The worker panics and pushes cash out from under the door.
• Outdoor restaurant tip snatching: They watch outdoor dining patios and wait for customers to leave tips on the table. As soon as the waiter walks away, they casually run by and grab the cash before sprinting off.
• Food truck hustle: One friend borrows a beat-up food truck and starts selling late-night food in a busy area. It’s chaotic and barely organized, but they actually make decent money before the truck overheats and nearly catches fire.
• Drive-thru drug selling: The last friend secretly sells drugs through a fast-food drive-thru window by hiding baggies inside burger wrappers for customers who know the code.
By the end of the night, they regroup at the house, dump all the money on the table, and realize they actually made just enough to cover the rent. Huge celebration.
But right then, the landlord arrives with movers and tells them it’s too late — he already rented the house to someone else because they didn’t answer their phone earlier.
To make it worse, the landlord’s son walks in behind him… and the friends realize he was the kid who bought drugs at the drive-thru earlier that night.
Does this sequence need fixing? If so, how could I improve it to make the scene funnier?
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That first one (porta-potty shake down) is really funny, and something that would also work great in a LucasArts style adventure game. I think that the last one (drive-thu) might not work so well though. How would the customers learn about the code in such a short time, and wouldn't the son want to keep his addiction a secret, and thus be willing to aid the group renting the apartment?
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Thanks for that Patrik Gyltefors! I appreciate the feedback. One thing I may not have explained clearly in the post is that the friend selling through the drive-thru already works at that fast-food restaurant and has been secretly doing it for a while. He’s more of a side character connected to the group rather than one of the main guys in the montage. One of the friends from the main group goes there looking for help, meets him during his shift, and asks if he can assist for the day, and starts training at the low-paying job. While they’re working together, he ends up helping him sell through the drive-thru and keeps a small amount for himself.
The landlord ends up catching his son with the drugs and pressures him to tell where he got them. When the son explains it was through the drive-thru and describes who sold it to him, the landlord is able to identify the friend working there. That’s what ultimately exposes the whole situation and leads to the group getting kicked out, even though they finally managed to get the rent money together.
Curious what you think about that version of it, does it make the scene work better in your opinion, or do you think the final beat still needs tightening or maybe even replacing with something more original?
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Dwayne Williams 2, yes, that makes it work better. Is this the final scene of the film, or will they eventually manage to get their apartment back, and get revenge on the landlord? Also, is this an animated or live action film? Depending on the "rules" of the world you are building, that final beat might disrupt the suspension of disbelief.
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Glad to hear that, Patrik Gyltefors! This sequence is meant to serve as the intro to a live-action adventure comedy I’ve been thinking about, mainly to introduce the characters and show their personalities through the chaos of how they try to solve problems. Curious how you feel about it functioning as the opening to a feature?
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Dwayne Williams 2, I think that works great as an opening.