Screenwriting : What do you think about this logline by Tshepo David

It needs more work, clear and concise is the key.

Who confused him? The cops? If he's working with them, then who's after him? If they are willing to work with him, they' know he's not the guy. Then how can he help? What's the significance of him being Chinese? Where does it take place? That would be important if it was an American, stuck in Communist China ...well now that paints a little bit of picture to set up the environment. Research loglines of films you like. That might help.

If he's working with the cops, who's threatening to take him to court? If they think he's the serial killer. how can he work with them? As Billen Lees says, it's not clear.

Thanks for opening my mind. I have not written the script yet. I wanted to come up with a logline and a synopsis. Somebody requested me to write a screenplay for him using Chinese or Asian figure with Chinese or Asian elements in script. Thanks. I'll use your comments to rewrite something better.

You can tell from several of the logline examples, that these things are nearly always one complete sentence (or occasionally not so complete), short enough so you can say it in one breath without gasping at the end.

I'm lost with [Specific Nationality] is confused with [Specific Designation] Does it matter that the person of interest is Chinese? The race just seems like an unnecessary point to have in the log line. Suggestion: "A man fits the description of a long-hunted serial killer. While trying to prove his innocence he uses his likeness to discover the clues leading to the true killer."

Change the word "confused" to "mistaken". I also agree as to it not being necessary to tell us what race the character is. Is he a young high school student, a middle aged shoe salesman? You aren't introducing the character with a minimal amount of words. I don't understand the 2nd sentence "before getting before court"? The police (not cops) are actually going to work with someone accused of murder? Or is it one detective who believes he is innocent?

Fixed. Good catch. Thanks.

I find it curious that you're writing a logline and synopsis before you write the script. Outlining the script I understand. Always a positive move. Perhaps you're confusing a concept with a logline.

Thanks to this community. It really saves and opens mind. You know, I can write a script well but my loglines are always meager but that's what should turn on the exec request or read the script. Don't you guys know good online classes for constructing a remarkable inviting logline?

Great research Peter Corey!! I love your inspiring input ... - "World-renowned magician and escapologist ' The Great Huizhong' discovers that he is being framed for a number of grisly murders by a maniac who is using the deadly Ebola strain as a murder weapon."

Thanks Peter, getting there... "World-renowned magician ' The Great Huizhong' is being framed by a lookalike serial killer who uses the deadly Ebola strain as a murder weapon."

Loglines have to grab your attention and be memorable. The hard part for some people is to realize they don't have to be quite so specific about the details. For example, you do not need to mention the man is Chinese. It doesn't help. I would write this: When a man is confused with a serial killer, he works with the police to find the real culprit.

Also, a logline is one sentence.

A man must work with the police to find the serial killer who he has been confused for or pay with his freedom.