On Writing : Newbie scriptwriter here. Would anybody be able to give me any feedback on the first 300 words of my radio play? by Verity

A clever setup, but difficult to express in a radio drama: a character hiding inside a carpet roll. So try another draft focusing on letting us "see" the situation -- radio drama is a highly visual form of storytelling, not unlike screenwriting, but think of the visuals as created by sound effects with just enough dialogue to fill in the cracks. Three areas to work on in the next drafts: 1) I think you're moving the story far too quickly -- note that you've resolved the situation at the end of 1.5 pages, and 2) you're preventing subtext from doing its job in the way you're writing dialogue by allowing your characters to say everything they're thinking. By letting them do that, we lose interest in them -- there's no mystery about either of them. 3) Again in dialogue: you're also letting your characters talk too much -- here I'm talking about the sheer number of words coming out of their mouths -- and that tends not to work well in either radio drama or screenwriting. As an exercise, try a version of the script where you limit each character to three words of dialogue each time they speak. This limitation will in nearly all cases push subtext beneath the surface of the dialogue (where it belongs except in moments of extreme conflict) and force you to take more time (meaning, more pages) in telling the story. Hope this helps.

Wow, this is wonderful advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. Edit: Oh, and the writing exercise you suggested was really helpful.

I truly like script, thus far. Hope you finish it. I totally get it. But I do agree with Richard, it is very visual. I would add more to the out-of-date interior of the shop and the general feeling of monotony as well (no matter what you decide, even a short). I worked briefly at one of those kind of carpet/flooring shops in the US. The boredom, was stifling and the look archaic, let alone the merchandise. And going on site for measurements, good Lord; the condition of the customer's houses! Only good thing that came out of it; I got to meet New Orleans, rock n' roll legend, Fats Antoine Domino (hits: Blueberry Hill, I'm Walking, Blue Monday ). I sold and measured carpet for a massive bedroom and en suite bathroom in his house. With the most expensive 100% nylon, 5/8" thick (plus 1/2" thick padding) plush cut pile, in canary yellow, that we could order. Fats Domino's house was like a scene from a film set, back in the 50s, amazing and immaculate. I've been in London for 4 years, but lo and behold, I use to walk by a CarpetRight every day of filming for the telly series "24: Live Another Day" on the Great West Road near Hounslow (looking at the shop front brought back just wonderful memories. LOL) at Brentford Studios. At any rate, look forward to you posting the complete work.

Verity -- the first thing that strikes me is that you are NOT formatting your radio play correctly. Radio drama has its own set of rules and its own radio argot. Aside from that, the BBC has a wonderful contest each year for an hour-long radio drama. Nice $$$ compensation and prestige for any winners. Go the BBC website and you can read the scripts of past radio play winners. Good luck and keep writing.

Thank you everyone for the advice, it's been really helpful. Cynthia, the monotony and dated interior of the carpet shop is definitely something I want to convey in the piece, though it's proving to be quite difficult. I really like the idea of something outrageous/absurd happening in such a mundane place. It's pretty awesome you got to meet Fats Domino. I'm glad something good came from working for such a boring place!

Deborah, I see what you mean about needing to set up the scene, especially if it's going to be an absurd situation, as I need to keep the piece grounded in some kind of reality. Thank you for pointing that out. I was having some trouble making the dialogue flow naturally between Charlie and the carpet guy, but I think the addition of another character would help solve a lot of problems I've been having. They definitely need some development, you're right. Thanks for the advice.

Thank you Linda for the criticism. I'll read a few scripts and format the play accordingly. I'd love to submit a play to BBC Radio 4 one day.

Check out the BBC Writers Room: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/ You'll find a section on format for radio plays, sample scripts, and info on BBC competitions.

Aspiring RADIO drama writers -- check out Richard's BBC link!

Thank you!

This is a great beginning. But starting with profanity might nix it off most radio shows. Where can you go from here if the guy in the carpet and the other character is leaving? Perhaps the set up can take longer, the shopper is looking for something specific and wonders where the salesmen are, make it harder to find the voice in the carpet. Your dialogue is wonderful and it sounds like you have the makings of a wonderful and interesting comedy.

Protect your stuff before posting. Until you copyright or register with writers guild it can be taken

Thanks for the advice, Marla and Yasmin. Yeah, I was wondering about the profanity. I think I'll use 'softer' curse words instead. I've developed the script since last month and I hope the set up is better paced now.

If anyone is interested in reading the latest script and providing feedback, I would really appreciate it. Just message me and I will happily send you a link.