Screenwriting : Needing a Little Help with a Script by Duane Keaton

What's the problem with your script? Are you not sure the script itself's good enough or do you not think you and your students will be able to make the film?

I'd be happy to read it and offer some thoughts if you think that would be helpful?

Also happy to read it and give you notes, Duane.

Thank you for the responses. The script has gone through 4 revisions and nearly a dozen people have read it and offered suggestions. It's a simple story and I think we can do it. There are only three primary locations. In short, it's a story about a girl who learns about the strength of friendship, but she learns it only after her best friend becomes ill. The problem I'm having is that after the read through with the cast they were unified in the idea that the friend should die by the end of the film. Understand I'm working with teenagers here and I know that scene would certainly add an emotional impact but I'm afraid it would hurt the story. It's difficult to resolve.

How do I share a script here?

You can upload it to your profile and we can read it there.

OK, I think I uploaded it. :-)

Also, please forgive the additional paragraphs and notes as those are mostly for myself and my students. I'm not completely familiar with the scriptwriting format. I use Celtx as it is free.

Duane, I'm away for work so won't be able to access through your profile page. Accept my connection then I'll send you my email if you like

So it sounds like your question mostly involves the ending. Since you mentioned that this project is being taken on by a club, I think the key factor is keeping the kids engaged. And kids of that age love stories where a teen dies at the end. Morbid, I know, but totally part of the drama of the age. Have you seen "Me and Earl and the Dying Girl?" It's very good and worth a look. Or "Fault in our Stars?" Or "Hunger Games?" I love what you're trying to say with your screenplay, but it's a bit wholesome. If you're goal is to have the kids collaborate, then you might want to use your draft as a jumping off point and see where the kids take the story (something I did with my daughter's class.) It will undoubtedly get a bit more gritty and textured. Plus, it's empowering! On a totally separate note, I suggest you cut all the paragraphs that are really notes to yourself and paste them into a separate doc. Could be just a Word doc. The script should be purely what you will see on screen. Your notes can facilitate a great discussion about character journeys, internal/external goals, etc. Particularly for the kids who will be acting. But it's really important to see if the story you've set out to tell is on the page -- in the action sequences and dialogue -- no explanation needed.

Just a note: if it's a class for kids on filmmaking, please make sure the script ends up in correct format (etc). I haven't read the script, but as someone who was a victim of learning incorrect format in a class and then having to relearn, it is always easier to learn right the first time.

I agree. I didn't want to overwhelm you with feedback, Duane, but there are a few formatting issues -- I'm happy to go over them with you!

Not overwhelming me at all! Thank you very much for the responses. I really didn't know what to expect when I signed on for this website, but I am very pleased to find people who know what they are talking about. I've been running this club for five years now and far too often have I felt all alone and without any kind of professional support. My background is in art education, so I can teach painting and drawing all day long but I'm struggling when it comes to filmmaking. I've learned a lot over the last 5 years but I know there is still so much more to go. So, thank you for any help you can offer! I've searched hard to find a correct format for script writing but can't seem to find it. Where should I look? And Shari, you are awesome with all your feedback about the script! Thank you once more! I don't doubt the wholesome nature of the story as that's a reflection of my personality. That being said, Southern Films' best work was "5 Seconds", a minute long short that ends on a sad note, but it's clearly a nice piece of work and even won a couple awards. I haven't seen Me and Earl yet but want to. My usual routine with my students is to write a first draft of a story we all agree on and then hand it back to them to make sure the language and attitudes are realistically teenagers and not sound like it was written by an adult. Anyway, I thank you one more time for the help.

the story is good though it could be a little stronger. The main problem I see is formatting. You should keep action lines 3 to 4 lines max. Don't put any of what the story is about in the action lines, express that through dialogue or through what the characters are feeling. For example, Suzy rides her bike until she stops at Mary"s house. Her eyes scan the house remorsefully as she feels conflicted. She spots her friends waiting for her in the distance. She gives the house one last glance and releases a deep sigh. She rides off to join her friends. That tells us something is wrong and sets up the tone and suspense.

Thanks one more time! I'll stop saying that soon, but I really am impressed with all this. I agree, Sam, it could be stronger and I want it to be. And I'm completely aware there is formatting issues. And as William mentioned I would very much like to teach my students the correct formatting. I teach drama as well as art at my middle school so it is something I very much want to make sure I get right. The trouble is I have never taken a scriptwriting class so I don't know any of the resources to let me know the format. I have the book Story by Robert McKee which has been great in helping me understand how to write a story, but there's little mention of format. And can I also say that this process has really given me a better appreciation for script writers- it really is the beginning and the heart and soul of the film!

Yup, just read the first few lines of 'Keeping Silver and Gold'. Definitely follow formatting rules. It REALLY helps to have formatting software (there's another thread in the screenwriter's lounge where we discuss the pro's and con's of various free versions vs bought versions). Also, sign up to get the Write Brother's monthly newsletter (written by David Trotter who wrote 'the screenwriter's bible'. You write like a director (camera angles, 'cut to's') but that's fine. I find the best way to learn is to read other people's scripts. You can access free ones on http://www.imsdb.com/ or just click on any of our faces, and access our scripts the way we can see yours.

Though celtx is a good choice, particularly if you already have it and you're comfortable with it. For your purposes, it's not about the software as much as knowing just a bit more about how to use it. For example, instead of "SCENE 1" you would use something like "INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY." A scene heading doesn't need a number, but it does need to tell us whether we're inside or out, where we are, and if it's day or night. A program like celtx will format the info. correctly in terms of all caps, and proper line spacing, but you still have to input the right info. If you message me your email address, I can email you a couple of screenplay PDF's for samples. Another tip...it's best to keep your film under 10 mins. (10 pgs.) so that it fits into a festival line up of multiple films easily. You're within that range, because your page count includes a lot of notes that can be removed. And lastly, where possible trim the dialogue. Try to show what you want to convey through action sequences instead. Try not to have any pages that are completely dialogue. You seem like a great teacher, Duane! It's so great that you put all this time in for your students and they are lucky to have you!

I'm trying Shari. One of the things I'm trying to get my students to see is what can be accomplished when we work hard together. Filmmaking is excellent for this as it requires so many different jobs all working toward one goal. I'm also amazed at the interest level in my school. I get over 100 applications each year to be a part of the club. The media arts are now a required part of the national art standards, so a site like this where I can ask questions to professionals and hopefully have my students contribute in return is enormously helpful. Anyway, I will be going back to my script with all these suggestions and item number one will be to get rid of all the excess notes. I'm concerned the dialogue is a bit wordy and I get the point that action should say as much if not more. It's a bad habit of mine to be wordy, but I will try to condense it.