Hi, all. Here is a logline for my short film, The Rookie: A rookie cop has witnessed his partner's brutal crimes and now he has met his demise for not cooperating, but the rookie is adamant to seek his revenge on his partner . . . dead or alive. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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The Rookie
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Hi Antwon, It's a good concept. However, the logline is a little clunky and wordy. 'Adamant' isn't all that strong, and just describes him, not what he does, which is more important. 'now he has met his demise' is both too long - you could say 'killed' instead - and the now makes it seem like it's the focus of the short film, and I doubt it is. I'll give you a quick attempt of my own - this may not be great, so refine it as you will: 'A rookie cop, killed by his senior partner to cover up brutal crimes, has come back from the dead to exact his revenge.'
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Hi, Devon. Some awesome feedback there. Not a bad logline either. Maybe I can tweek what you have provided and see what I can come up with. Thank you immensely for your feedback.
How about this, Devon. A rookie cop is killed by his senior partner to cover up a brutal crime, but the rookie has come back from the dead to exact his revenge . . . and he's not alone.
When you use an ellipses it makes it seem like more of a tagline - the line for the movie poster that just hints at what you're in store for. Is that what you are going for? A log line is different in that by "not alone", we need to know what that means rather than leaving it up to mystery.
Hi I agree with Devon. Great concept but the log line didn't do it justice, and "rookie" was written twice, so sounded repetitive. Also "not cooperating" was a tad confusing, because not taking part in his colleagues crimes might not necessarily get him killed, but not keeping silent certainly would. So I would change "not cooperating" to ......"refuses to keep silent". Let us know how it goes.
Hi, Shelly and Debbie. Thank you both for your valuable feedback as well. I think I might have a trick for that ending that Shelly referenced. How about this: A rookie cop is killed by his senior partner to cover up a brutal crime, but he has come back from the dead to exact his revenge, and he's brought a couple of victims with him. How about that folks? Thanks again to all of you.
Dear Antwon Taylor: Below is a quick shot at a logline based on what others have mentioned as well as consideration. A rookie cop, and his back from the dead revenge squad, look to execute justice on his former superior for his murderous betrayal to silence those who knew about his other crimes. All the best with the script. Sincerely, John German
@Antwon, your new log line definitely is more intriguing, and also more to the point. It also adds a different new twist, that the Rookie is unearthing other victims.
Hi I also like @john log line.
Debbie, thank you for your feedback. Then this will be the logline that I will use. Bless you and may your journey be a prosperous one. :)
John, thanks for the input, bud. I think I've got it now, but I really appreciate you actually putting thought into your own version of the logline. Have a blessed one.