Hi Folks, I'm creating art work for a script and would like to see if my revised log line is ready to print. Thanks for any feedback. Cheers, Caryn Log line: An honorable CIA agent fails a Yakuza operation and is unjustly imprisoned in Asia. She can win her freedom if she tracks down a property deed to a Korean island that the Yakuza, Chinese Triads and North Koreans are killing for. But the Yakuza – who rigged her case – plan to get the deed by using her to eliminate their enemies and send her back to prison.
Your Stage : How's my log line? by Caryn McCann
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Got some feedback. How's this: A falsely imprisoned CIA agent must track down a secret Korean document or be killed by the very assassins that framed her. Not sure if “document” is strong enough. “Treasure” is misleading. “A secret Korean fortune” sounds like the hero is a forensic accountant :) Thanks if you have any suggestions. C-
The first one is more of a synopsis to me, it's very long and too much info. The second one, to me is a little confusing, how can she track down anything if she is in prison? I like the secret Korean fortune or treasure aspect. To me it's a bit of a hook that may have your script stand out form all the other wrongfully imprisoned CIA agent movies.
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Great point. I think I'll change it to this: "A falsely imprisoned CIA agent can win her freedom if she tracks down a secret Korean treasure before the assassins that framed her - kill her. Thoughts? Thanks for your suggestions! C-
Getting better, but why would an assassin frame her, then have to go back and try and kill her? The first part I like and seems like a bit of a hook. The assassin angle seems weak. Maybe the person who framed her hires an assassin or something?
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Hmmm. Another good point. Actually it's the Yakuza who use her to eliminate their enemy - a Chinese triad. I didn't want to say "gang" since it sounded weak. How about this: “A falsely imprisoned CIA agent can win her freedom if she tracks down a secret Asian treasure by infiltrating a Chinese Triad before the Yakuza - who framed her - kill her. Thoughts? Thanks for your great tips! C-
I like it much better
Thanks Erica! Cheers, Caryn