Screenwriting : Action Lines by Claude Gagne

Before it sees the director, or producer, or assistant, the script has to get past the reader. Action of four or more lines means less white space, less reader interest.

For me, less is more. If I can't set the scene or characters in three lines, I'm not doing my best.

You wouldn’t need to dress him and describe only what is necessary. “An old man climbs out of an expensive car and falls” would probably be all you needed to say.

You should keep action lines to three lines or under and four at the very most.

Write only what we can see and avoid character’s thoughts. You should only write the physical manifestation of their emotions. Keep a single event, shot or sequence within one description. Have the sentences that compose your description all related to one another then if the action changes you should start a new paragraph.

Don’t describe every detail in the scene. Avoid describing character’s every movement. Paint your scenes with broad strokes and let the reader’s imagination fill in the rest. Make all your action immediate so eliminate words like "suddenly", "then", "begins to", "starts to" and just make the action happen without any sort of temporal qualifier. For example: "Suddenly, he runs off." becomes "He runs off." "She starts to climb" becomes "She climbs." Replace the "to be" verbs with an active verb or eliminate them entirely. For example, "She is in uniform" becomes "In uniform.” "It is dark outside" becomes “Dark, " etc.

Avoid words that can usually be eliminated such as “are”, “and”, “there”, “it is”, “it's”, “to go”, “to say”, “is”, “to be” and words ending in “ly” and “ing” and replace “and” with a coma or start a new sentence when possible.

In dialogue you can usually eliminate first words of dialogue such as "Well", "No", "Yes", "Of course", "I mean", etc. Eliminate words like "hello", "goodbye", "please", "thank you", and "you're welcome" unless used for irony or emphasis.

Avoid having your character ask questions but when they do don’t have the other character answer if the audience will assume what the answer would be.

"What if he doesn't exactly know what I picture?" then you need to write better, not longer. Purple prose isn't needed. Yes, a writer wants to really set the scene and in a novel it's essential - not so much in a screenplay. Ask yourself; is what you picture really essential to your story?

I read sentences not lines. Two short sentences could be one line. Imagine the white space!

problem comes in westerns and high action. writing western now gunfights are black pages. read dances with wolves.

I think they are right. Looking at screenplays that have turned into movies, that has been the case. A good example is John Wick. That has pages and pages containing only action lines but they are only a couple sentences each.

Claude, Dan G is sharing some good advice with you here and on another post. I might disagree with dressing him, but only consider it if it mattered to the story. Maybe:

The car door opened. An old man hobbled out sporting a Hawaiian print shirt, plaid shorts, and slippers, clearly out of season for November in New York City.

Focused more on sucking on his cigar, his cane slipped from his grasp. He stooped. Whacked his head.

Now, you should get a picture of the scene and it also builds on the character. But, if it doesn't matter, or have a payoff, kill your darling.

scripts should be written in present tense... but what do I know :)

Claude there are no rules or facts associated with the craft of screenwriting - period! There are however, a lot of customs and traditions. When it comes to these, my suggestion is to pretty much go with the flow. I like to give the reader a brief visual when I first introduce a character. An example: MR. DEEP POCKETS (70), dressed as a Hawaiian surfer dude steps from the car... Mr. Pockets will reveal his character by action & dialog.

This gives the Casting Director and the Wardrobe department a heads up.

Keeping action text to a couple of lines makes reading the script much more convenient - two/three lines preferably (sometimes only a word or two.) Learn to embrace the 'white' space. A really tightly written script will generally have a bit under 200 words per page. Most screenwriters think in script page count only - a flaw.

Laura. Claude asked a legitimate question and all you did was tell him he’s a novice and say that those of us that took that time to answer him are also novice and taking our advice could prove detrimental. Do you really think you are that much better than the rest of that took the time to answer him? I don't think so. And if you don’t want to answer someone’s question then don't bother but don’t put people down those people that at least take time out of their busy schedules that do.

Dan M. You know it should be written in present tense.

Laura. I spent time answer his question and I had no idea you weren't referring to me. I think I usually offer sound advice but I am not always right because I am just a self-taught hack. It is no big deal because I don't go out of my way to write screenplays anymore.

You are all absolutely right, I know that also. I was quickly free-styling an idea and accidentally hit enter before I even finished what I was writing, and quite obviously didn't edit it to absolute present tense, which is important. My point was more towards economy of writing while also painting a word picture of what would be seen on screen.

You'll see why I'm getting reluctant to offer guidance and advice anymore. I'm beginning to draw closer to Rhett Butler - "Frankly, my dear I don't...'

Laura. I am not asking you to apologize for anything you said. I am not a novice either but that has nothing to do with this conversation.

Hi Claude, I recently joined a writers' group. Although I am the only screenwriter, listening to others' prose/poetry/novels etc. helped me to understand fundamentals of writing that span through all categories of creative writing. Just today someone presented a short story where a paragraph showed a similar amount of description you have for your old man. Everybody agreed that too much wording is distracting and makes it difficult to follow the story. The simpler you keep your descriptions, the easier it is for readers to follow without losing the thread of what your story is. I suggest you look at a local writing group you can join. Also, read the Blue Book on Description and voice by William C. Martell. I learned a lot from it, and it's very entertaining. Good luck!

Claude, as others have said, learning to write economically is key. ;) Your line seems more a character introduction... so here's a bit of advice from John August that I personally find helpful: 1) The best introductions include a sense of what you see and an intriguing tidbit of their personality and/or situation. 2) Look for details that have an iceberg quality: only a little bit sticks above the surface, but it represents a huge mass of character information the reader can fill in. ;)

Also, some of this comes down to personal writing style, which is why you may observe a wide range of approaches within professionally written screenplays. And to add, it is rather tricky to offer suggestions or to advise you specifically about this one line without further context: Who is this character? What is this story about? Is it a comedy, a drama? What is happening before this line occurs? After? What is the overall sense and direction of the page? The scene? ;)

Oh, and you most certainly may include the dress of your character, but perhaps look for that iceberg quality. Perhaps you can say more with less. Great scripts with great characters to look at, study, and find inspiration are screenplays written by the Coen brothers. From The Big Lebowski: "It is late, the supermarket all but deserted. We are tracking in on a fortyish man in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses at the dairy case. He is the Dude. His rumpled look and relaxed manner suggests a man in whom casualness runs deep."

Claude, I hope that helps and best wishes in reaching your goal! :)

Laura ... I've been writing screenplays (12 now and 3 unpublished novels - short of money to edit) since 2006. So it has been 11 years writing, studying, reading, and on and on, full time. Some things I'm still not sure of and love to ask others to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong and to emphasize for me and others the best way to do it. Dan G is right on the money with his commentaries and it reaffirms my conviction that I'm doing the right thing. Dan has been very helpful over the years and many more here. Because I'm new here doesn't mean I haven't been around. Computers are prone to break down and it took me some time to get back-on-track. Let's us be cordial and not throw words from the hip before pinning anyone down. Thanks for your commentary. Let's be friends and help others the best we can.

Claude, i thought you quit screenwriting? Didn't you post a few months ago and say the industry (American) is rigged, a conspiracy?

I didn't quit screenwriting. I'm addicted to writing. American conspiracy! Maybe! No different at the WH. The States isn't the only place that makes films. My computer went blank on me. Zilch! No windows 10, so I had to struggle with the company to download it again. You see I went from a Windows 7 to a 10 for a free download. Big mistake. My son-in-law has a Mac and he hasn't any problem whatsoever. So when this one gives up the ghost, you know what I'll do. Thanks Dan MaxXx. You sure have a different, sometimes positive outlook on the entertainment business. Do you think the woman, that won the Powerball lottery, (if she was a screenwriter) will continue to write screenplays? Maybe, start her own production company. Lol It all depends how much you want to give to continue as a writer.

Laura. I answer Claude’s questions and he seemed happy with the answers I gave and that is all I care about. How much experience you have never entered my mind.

He didn’t say this was the first time this character appeared in the film. Also, if a character’s name is OLD MAN I would assume he has a very minor role in the film and wouldn’t require much description. Describing what someone is wearing is amateurish unless it has something to do with the plot. If the character is old and crazy the people involved in making the film will figure out how to dress him. Anyway, that was my take on what he asked.

These forums are great for sharing insights, tips, resources, opinions, experience, ideas, and offering support and encouragement no matter your level. Pay it forward, right? So... Huge thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to Claude's question. Much appreciated! It takes a village to hit various sides of an inquiry and its related elements. And we certainly have a generous community here at Stage 32. :) Thanks again!

This old man isn't capitalized, so he's not an important character and all he does is mumble his misfortune under his breath. All I wanted to do is make him look funny. How does a writer describe a character in a comedy script to make the audience laugh. You see he's old and clumsy and this is what I wanted to bring out. Like an old man falls isn't going to cut it in my books. How does a person laugh if you don't place this old character in a ridiculous outfit. Like slippers, Hawaiian shirt, hits his head, stogie in one hand, cane in the other, wears shorts so his old hairy legs show. Comedies are hard to write so you need to get the reader to giggle a bit and be enthused by the whole affair. I guess the only thing I can do is describe it in different paragraphs with the intervention of the protagonist cutting in with dialogue and go back to falling with the porters surprise and to help this old man after his fall.

You see what we have to go through and this is only to describe this old man. Thanks for your output. Much appreciated.

There's a million ways to write this scene, Claude. You've now established this character is minor and only there for a laugh and we'll probably never see them again after this scene. With this information in mind, put the appropriate effort into this scene and move on to the more important scenes that tell your story.

Laura. I really don't have time for this nonsense.

Laura ... Since when to we CAP extras. Of all the books, videos, etc. about writing screenplays I have yet to come across that we need to do this. I know if they speak one word, they need to be paid. So, knowing this, the old man mumbles and grunts his displeasure. Before the old man scene, two shapely girls walk by. They are extras. Would you cap, TWO SHAPELY GIRLS walk by?

FADE IN: The FOUR SEASONS hotel building in Los Angeles. The sign for the hotel shows the temperature outside. EXT. FOUR SEASONS PORTICO - DAY A young and middle-aged porter stand in wait at the entrance. They wear a red porter hat, red matching suit coat and black pants. JEFF DRUMMOND, the younger porter, rocks back and forth one of the two brass hotel carts while they wait. Jeff, upper twenties with long hair pulled back in a ponytail and a goatee, examines two shapely girls walk by. The middle-aged graying porter, WILBUR BEANEY, wears old, heavy style glasses above a bushy mustache. He takes a newspaper from inside his jacket, flips it to the sports page. JEFF Not bad. L.A is the place to be. Wilbur lowers his paper, glances at them, raises his paper. A Mercedes pulls up. A rich couple in their seventies step out. The heavy set lady has pearls around her neck, sunglasses, wide-brim hat dressed in expensive casual clothes. The older man wears slippers, plaid-shorts, an Hawaiian shirt, a cigar in one hand and a cane in the other. He drops the cane, bends over, hits his head on the door and retrieves his cane. He rubs his head, cursing himself. Jeff and Wilbur look at each other. JEFF I gottem’. Jeff pushes the cart he’s holding toward the car. Jeff lifts the partially opened trunk lid, unloads the suitcases, bagged clothes onto the cart. He follows the clients inside. Jeff smirks Wilbur as he passes by. Wilbur looks the other way.

What's wrong with this intro to "NOW WHAT?"? Did you picture this in your mind? To you, do you think this could be a comical film?

Laura - this is a comedy. How do I convey something funny, if I leave description out. Maybe, I should be a director and direct my own stuff! Do you actually think, if I cut out a lot of description, the reader will say, "What's this shit? I don't find anything funny." Everything in description to me has a purpose. When you see someone wearing those glasses, big nose and pushy moustache, doesn't it make you chuckle to see someone wearing them. Film is a visual affair and if the audience doesn't laugh the word will get around and the film will bomb. You're screwed one way or the other by leaving the screenplay bare-boned. Is capping extras been around for long? Why didn't I notice this in my research?

Claude, yeah... you may be overwriting. I suggest finding script PDFs from produced comedies that are somewhat similar to your concept, that you enjoy, and compare. Comedies tend to have a quicker pace to them. And it's through the action, situation, and dialogue that creates humor. Perhaps read The Hangover. Quick, sharp, minimal character descriptions. As far as capitalization of lesser characters, background in a spec, it depends. And If you don't have a copy already, I highly recommend getting yourself The Screenwriter's Bible. It's a great reference book. I keep mine handy. ;) Best to you!

Claude. Don’t try describing every single detail in the scene. Paint your scene with broad strokes and let the Reader’s imagination fill in the rest. Avoid describing a character’s every movement. Extraneous character movement is distracting. Also, if you show the action before your character speaks the reader will subconsciously anticipate who will be doing the talking so your script will flow better.

Claude, keep in mind you are writing a spec script. It's just you at this point, a calling card. YOU are the creator, the filmmaker until someone else shows up. So. First things first, focus on your reader, an audience of one, or rather one at a time. Create an easy, entertaining read. You are presenting possibility, not breaking down a script for production. What COULD be, not what should. Nonetheless, always demonstrate professionalism and both craft and technical know-how. Yes, as Laura said, this field is highly subjective, but personal taste and all opinions are valid. Always be prepared for a wide range of responses to your work. Good luck!

I agree with Beth. I would like to add that people asking for feedback should not take anything personal. Also, people giving feedback should only critique the material and not the screenwriter because that is when it becomes personal and when things get personal nobody benefits.

Although it may have sounded different - I agree 100% with dan and Laura - all my classes have reaffirmed that. The point I was making is if you think you need to break these rules of writing you need to be either well established or enough money to finance yourself.

Personally speaking, I think it is much more than being thick-skinned, but rather learning how to be objective, both about someone else's work and especially your own (Dan's point). Many struggle with objectivity. And it certainly can be difficult when a critique may lack a constructive approach. ;)

Hi John. I think you may have posted in the wrong thread... I assume your comment was meant for Robert's current thread on "rules." :)

Yes. Sorry, but I guess it applies to action lines too. Lol

I understand your point, Laura, but respectively, objectivity is also a choice. Personality and open mindedness plays a part as well -- a willingness to listen. That has nothing to do with craft nor one's level. ;) Best to you!

Now that I have my answer to action line, I need to roll up my sleeves and get cracking on saying less. Less is more. What I get out of all the comments is to say enough that whomever is reading my script will be able to make the film in their head on not what I think it should be, but what they think it should be. If I say old man, their old man might be totally different than mine, so as long as they see their old man in a different light so be it. I need to have them create the scenes that they picture not what I picture, but enough to create their thoughts on the what I've said. It's like reading a book. If you ask someone what they visualized by reading the book, you'll find it will be totally different than what I visualized when reading it. Is this what everyone was trying to get through my thick head of mine. I hope it is.

Like Beth said, it's like everyone that added to this question of mine was sitting at a round table and hashed out their perspective on action lines. Back and forth it went on the discussion, at times a bit intensive, but in general everyone had their say. Everyone needs to learn and that's why we have examinations in school, so the teacher will know if the students grasped their teachings. I hope I and many others did learn from this and helped them to reformulate their action lines. Good luck everyone.

The pros mention us to use two brief sentences, tops three and that's stretching it. Do you believe in that statement? ... SUPERFREAK SPEAKE, says: "YES I DO."

Read, read, read. Read 1000 scripts of your genre. If your action lines are clunky, you're not reading enough scripts.

Throw them screenplay books

in the garbage.

One chooses to look at something objectively, or not. ;)

Rules again! Three days and over 60 responses. I can be of no further help here. Bye.

For example, you can give a personal opinion, here's what I think and feel about this script... this is not for me, my taste, but looking at it objectively it is well written, etc, etc, etc. Laura, I agree, some people (regardless of level or status) can switch more easily between subjective and objective when considering various creative works or when criticized. Not be defensive. I've met some folks that on paper, their resume, would be regarded as "highly professional" but were extremely sensitive... like walking on eggshells, so I steer clear. Much boils down to individual considerations, not generalizations. I've met many novice writers that work extremely hard to develop as writers, handle feedback very well. Myself included. I've taken punches to the solar plexus when it comes to feedback. Lol! :) And still suss out what is helpful, insightful, and what is not. :)

Sure, Laura. Sounds great, and rewarding. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience. ;) Now.. I'm gonna let the thread go back to Claude's topic. Thanks, again, everyone, for all your responses. Much appreciated! :)

Read a huge stack of screenplays and do what they all do, but not what only one does.

Action needs to be broken up into "paragraphs" of around 3 lines (not 3 sentences) with a space in between... but screenwriting is visual writing - the story is told through the actions of the characters - so you may end up with a page or so of "action paragraphs". Heck, the car chase from BULLITT is over 7 pages of action without any dialogue. (that's an extreme case).

So it's not grand total three lines, it's three lines and then a break.

And as others have said - the key is to find the best words. Fewest words, most impact.

Do you see an improvement from my earlier version from up above?

FADE IN: The FOUR SEASONS hotel building in Los Angeles. The sign for the hotel shows the temperature outside. EXT. FOUR SEASONS PORTICO - DAY A young and older porter stand in wait at the entrance. They wear hotel uniforms. JEFF DRUMMOND, upper twenties with long hair pulled back in a ponytail and a goatee, examines TWO SHAPELY GIRLS walk by. JEFF Not bad. L.A is the place to be. The graying porter, WILBUR BEANEY, 50, takes a newspaper from his jacket. WILBUR Quit looking and get married. JEFF What? Too much fun man. Wilbur flips the paper to the sports page. A Mercedes pulls up. The younger, HEAVY-SET LADY dressed to the nines steps out. The OLDER FRAIL MAN steps out with great difficulty. The stogie falls from his lips. Jeff and Wilbur look at each other. JEFF I gottem’. Jeff pushes the cart toward the car. Jeff lifts the partially opened trunk lid, unloads the suitcases onto the cart. The heavy-set lady helps the frail man toward the doors. Jeff smirks Wilbur as he passes by. Wilbur looks the other way. EXT. FOUR SEASONS PORTICO - LATER Jeff reappears.

One line, or one word or just a couple of words define a moment that sticks with the reader or audience the rest of their lives. Ex - I'll be back. Lean, lean, lean.

Make my day!

Claude, at the risk of humiliating myself again, I'm going to jump back into the fray here.

When you read what you wrote, consider the times you've repeated information, and still possibly gave too much. Also, there seems to be a problem with the intro sequencing.

Again, referencing economy in writing, consider this: If you write the ages of the porters, "upper twenties" and "50", there is no need to say "A young and older porter". If you say "porters stand in wait", there's no need to say "They wear hotel uniforms", it's already implied. If you say "Wilber takes a newspaper from his jacket", you can later say "Wilbur flips to the sports page" as we already know he has "the paper".

Also, consider how the porters are introduced. You call them porters, then introduce by name, and interrupt their intros when two shapely girls walk by. It's generally common to start with the name followed by age (if important) and description. In my opinion, the intro sequence would be better if it were Jeff, Wilbur, and then the interruption of the girls walking by.

Beth Fox Heisinger shared some deft advice about character descriptions. Rather than merely describe a look, they should speak to character, and try to say a lot with little information.

I could ask more questions about your intent in describing things, like: Why point out the sign showing the temperature? What is the temperature? Is it important? Does the pony tail and goatee speak to character? Is it important that the younger woman be heavyset?

Claude Gagne if this is your FADE IN first page, first paragraph, first image, first scene, it is not very good. I don't know the tone of the story, the visual image, or why the first scene begins with 2 porters doing nothing.

What about The Four Seasons Hotel? Describe it. Give the reader some atmosphere other than a temperature. it is hot? Hottest day of year?

I pointed the sign showing the temperature because nobody would know the name of the hotel by looking at it. So there is the sign with the name on it with the temperature. I'm sure it wouldn't be -20 below, so I left it to the director's discretion to pick a temperature. Pony tail and goatee is important. He's not bald and likes a goatee. Men do wear long hair. It gives the viewers a perspective to judge the character by his looks. We all judge a book by its cover. How are we gonna know what the woman looks like if I don't show her being heavy set. She's not skinny like a rake. Only a heads up on the size of the woman with a frail partner is all. When a film rolls a viewer instantly judges the characters and I only describe what the ones picking the characters for the film would look for. What the two porters wear is what the hotel has in uniforms showing the efficiency of the hotel. The hotel is a fine place to stay if the hotel has a staff that professionally has a great appearance. As to young and older porter. That's the first view when the camera sees them for the first time. When we go in closer, we can see one is in his twenties and the other much older is all. I could eliminate young and older porter though.

Oh! By the way Rich and Max, thanks for taking the time to comment. Rich for being so observant, I noticed your about me has a mistake. Edit, 'I've done these for quite a few projects, the the past year.' Max - The hotel does not have to be described. The picture will show it in all its glory. Show, don't tell.

show, don't tell? sorry, but you failed to grasp the meaning and execution of "show, don't tell' in screenwriting. SLUG LINES are not it.

Read 1000 scripts of whatever. Good writers and good writing grab your attention from opening sentence.

Dan M. Penmanship is not a requisite in writing screenplays. A screenwriter is writing a blueprint to what a director should show on the screen, not what is fancily written in a slug line. What do you want? Two porters doing cartwheels while they wait for customers. It's a film and I opened it with a hotel, not any hotel, but the Four Seasons. I'm not suppose to say pan down to the sign and show what hotel it is and stop on the sign. I said the temperature on the sign so the director will show the sign which will inevitably show it's in LOS ANGELES. That's where we are in LA and not in New York or Las Vegas or Timbuckto. What's your problem? I have yet to hear any positive comments from you. What are your reactions to this writers?

I think it is getting better.

FADE IN: is a transition and should be on a line all by itself followed by a scene heading on the next line. Don’t tell the director where to point their camera. You can use superimpose or show the older porter reading the “Los Angeles Times.” If the director wants to show the sign he or she will do so. Or you could have an establishing shot showing landmarks of the city before this scene.

Everyone knows a Porter wears a uniform, so you don’t need to say that. If they are minor characters you could just name them YOUNG PORTER, 20’s and OLD PORTER, 50’s. You don’t need to say one has a goatee and the other has a ponytail or one is graying unless it essential to the story.

When the Mercedes pulls up you might want to say who was driving. I have a 550 S Class Mercedes and the trunk opens all the way when you press the button inside. Instead off going through so much detail you could just say, “Jeff loads their suitcases onto a cart.” The director and actor would figure out how he retrieved them.

Now that's a well-written comment, Laura. I'm down with that!

I agree with Shawn.