As an experiment, I just posted 3 different loglines (or...maybe more. Only the shadow knows...) on the Stage 32 logline list. Trying to AB out which reads the best. Look for "Money From The Clouds"
Start your logline whit 'when or 'after" if possible (and not too boring).
(1)
INCITING INCIDENT= After a [antagonist=] brutal pirate attack that destroys his everything, hero must [theme=do what to save the day] or suffer [what consequenses].
His "everything" tells me nothing!
(2)
INCITING INCIDENT=When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge.
(3)
Pirates attack a couple on a sailing voyage, but they make one fatal mistake: leaving the husband alive. He returns with a vengeance to lay waste to their corrupt criminal empire.
Logline (3) tells us more about the reason of his revenge.
When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge. and destroy their empire.
Good crowd of people that just dissect loglines for free. You are expected to help others. But they are good and helpful. I have reviewed hundreds of loglines there.
Start your logline whit 'when or 'after" if possible (and not too boring).
(1)
INCITING INCIDENT= After a [antagonist=] brutal pirate attack that destroys his everything, hero must [theme=do what to save the day] or suffer [what consequenses].
His "everything" tells me nothing!
(2)
INCITING INCIDENT=When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge.
(3)
Pirates attack a couple on a sailing voyage, but they make one fatal mistake: leaving the husband alive. He returns with a vengeance to lay waste to their corrupt criminal empire.
Logline (3) tells us more about the reason of his revenge.
"lay waste" = destroy
"corrupt criminal empire". Isn't an criminal empire always corrupt. CUT: "corrupt".
Maybe somthing like:
When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge. and destroy their empire.
It's Charles Bronson who loves sailing.
For a better logline go to www.logline.it
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I like all the advice you're offering Rutger Oosterhoff
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Try www.logline.it
Good crowd of people that just dissect loglines for free. You are expected to help others. But they are good and helpful. I have reviewed hundreds of loglines there.
1 person likes this
Rutger offers great advice. He came up with a nice alternative ending for a horror script I wrote. I used his suggestion.