I posted a logline and script I have been struggling with as it is too close to home to be objective about. I got some great ratings and review by some of you, BUT the critique I paid for was a total thumbs down. If you go to my loglines and hit "Deja Voodoo" you can read what the critique comments were and maybe learn from them. I also downloaded that script so you are free to read it and let me know what you think.
Just so you all can keep this in perspective, long time ago I had a script (my very first) get turned down by several local California contest but then it won the Writer's Guild of America, EAst award for new writers. So I never let one judge's opinion get me down. Art really is subjective.
I don't think "pill-popping busted-up biker" describes what he really is, and says nothing about his intellect or the fact that he is really an ancient or a reincarnated man who is aware of his past lives. Is he a Zen-Meister or a crippled speed freak?
I don't think you need the word "pretty" in describing her. That's meaningless and frowned upon by most, if not all.
I get that they are embarking upon some type of journey, and that it's a bit trippy and existential and is a life-or-death situation, but it's a bit murky in the set-up of your log line. It's also a bit confusing that he knows about his past life and she doesn't know about her's, unless you spell out his superiority in that sense in the log line more accurately, and don't refer to him as just a "pill-popping busted-up biker." Excluding that term, I looked at your synopsis, and It's an interesting concept and premise, but the current log line doesn't make me "see" that, or even understand it. I do like the concept and premise, though, and wish you the best with it.
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I don't know if this helps, but this is a formula I learned to use early on. It shows up in lots of different posts online, so I'm not sure who to give credit to. But it is always been helpful.
When [INCITING INCIDENT OCCURS], a [SPECIFIC PROTAGONIST] must [OBJECTIVE], or else [STAKES].
(Example: When a struggling writer runs to the store to get groceries, he is confronted by a dragon who he must defeat or starve to death.)
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For me, I think the negative criticism is actually something I look forward to or pay more attention to. I can spot fairly quickly if the criticism is just sour grapes and cruelty and those I just ignore because trying to figure the why or what with those ones is a fool's game. But generally speaking, if the criticism is from someone in the business of writing then the negativity (even if it comes across like exasperation - I've exasperated some fine folk in my time!) the negativity is actually trying to make me a better writer. Whereas the positive comments are generally vague, ephemeral and essentially meaningless. I think there are way more positive lies then negative ones in the world and I'd rather have a hard truth than a sweet lie.
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I agree with you, Freyja. And thank you Bill. It is true, this logline was written back a few years ago when someone told me to add a lot of adjectives, something I realize now is not true - or needed. This is one script I am going to put on the shelf for awhile then look at it later on when I'm more over "Gunnar's" death, as he was real and he did die alone in the desert and he was a dear friend.
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Kathaleen: well, first, I'm sorry for your loss, and hope Gunnar's life was a life well-worth living, and hope that your story reflects that in a well-worth examining way..
And I'm glad you realize the log line was a bit murky. I hope your story about Gunnar and all your other stories bring you the best fortune possible. That really is a cool concept, and I like the idea about an ancient biker dude who is trying to prevent a tragedy that had happened before, and to the same person, in a previous life, and that is destined to happen to her again, unless he can avert it. Altering/changing destiny is a great story engine. That really is a cool concept and premise, and I hope that the spirit of Gunnar can help you strongly and bravely complete that exciting and dangerous ride.
Best wishes to you, Kathaleen!
Hey Kathaleen, good luck with it. Sometimes knocking out a script that comes about through these really close experiences can be cathartic as well as grabbing the emotional necessity and pull of the story. Then leaving them to settle for a while gives you the distance to be able to work and mold the story into something that can be told to be understood by the audience. In the immediacy the story can get lost in your own thoughts. I've written so many stories that I've come back to years later and wondered 'where's that bit about the thing. I'm sure it was in there' but it wasn't. It was in my head and I didn't get all the words onto the paper. It happens to a lot of people and it's a good thing because it means the story is something that you're intimately connected to. But getting some distance means we can put the bits in that make it make more sense.
I'd say one thing that I noticed about the story so far. You seem to have put a lot more thought, care and love into Gunnar than into Jessica. You need to fall in love a bit more with Jessica. She deserves more attention.
Good luck with it. It's going to be fabulous!
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Its very hard to write about yourself.... I have to invent a theatrical Jessica. Its in my rewrite notes to do so.
Sorry your feedback was not great, but your attitude is spot! I agree with you and your post is encouraging for me (and I'm sure others, too), so thank you for that!!