Hey everyone. I'm hoping to get any feedback, advice and opinions anyone has regarding the logline of my current (and first ever) project. I'm also more than happy to exchange the favor.
Much obliged!
Logline:
"When an ambitious and promising young architect’s world is turned upside down with the death of his mother, he turns to the pages of a drug addict’s lost journal, in an effort to comfort his grief and not lose his dream job."
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Hi Dan. You do well to clearly state your protagonist, but it's hard to fathom why he would turn to the addict's journal to cope with his loss and furthermore why this would lead to him keeping his job. Essentially, the plot points you mention feel disconnected. It's hard to imagine the story journey. Also,while you do well to state what's at stake "his job", I'd urge you to try and convey more about the conflict, the obstacles, the antagonistic forces at hand. Generally, I would be a little concerned that the story isn't quite cinematic enough. Losing a parent and a job are, sadly, quite common issues. Is there more you could convey to make this story concept bigger?
Hope this is of some help, Dan. And if you'd like more help on creating a solid logline, I have created a helpsheet that I provided for my Bulletin subscribers that I could send your way. Feel free to message me if this is of any interest.
Phil
www.philmscribe.com
Thank you both for your feedback and suggestions. EVERY one made sense to me. After reworking some bits, I believe I addressed all the points both of you brought up and would appreciate feedback on the recently editted logline below.
"When an ambitious and promising young architect’s world is turned upside down after losing his mother to cancer, he finds unlikely comfort in the pages of a drug addict's journal while on a duel mission to obtain his dream job and discover a higher meaning in the wake of a personal tragedy."
Once again, thank you both so much for taking the time to read and critique this.
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This certainly reads better than the first logline, but I am still not sold on the story thread, if I am honest. Young architect - drug addict - dream job - higher meaning... the disconnect still remains for me. Also: small point: I suspect you mean "dual", not "duel". Give me a shout if I can be of more help, Dan. All the very best.
I appreciate the time and effort it took for everyone to provide feedback. I really appreciate all of it. After racking my brain a bit and considering all the feedback, this was the result....
“When an aspiring young architect loses his mother to cancer and his world is turned upside down, he discovers inspiration in the most unlikely of places while on a dual mission to obtain his dream job and find a higher meaning to his personal tragedy.”
✌