Okay. So in light of trying to make my writing concise without losing imagery, I'd appreciate your thoughts on the following random scene for example:
JOHN DOE
Beauty is only as you desire it.
JANE DOE
Beauty exists without desire. Beauty, is beauty.
JOHN DOE
More precisely, beauty is you.
Jane Doe smiles.
JANE DOE
Quite the way with words.
With the above scene. Is it overwriting or an unnecessary inclusion to say "Jane Doe smiles", or can it be left out as it's understood that a smile would be the natural thing to happen at that point based on the dialogue?
It’s fine, but think about describing how she smiles. Does she “paint a big smile.” Does she “smirk.” Or maybe she doesn’t smile at all and “sits stone faced.” You don’t have to spell out every reaction, but describe important moments cinematically...
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I would drop her last line. The smiles says more.
Based on what I am reading, it doesn’t read like he is a word master. So having her say it feels like, she is saying it because you need her to say it.
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There's nothing wrong with leaving in that action line, it is not overwriting. As for the rest of your sample, I'm not going to tell you what you should change as it's your story and it's also impossible to advise based on what you've shared.
I’m with Craig D Griffiths. Keep the action, drop the last line.
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Your sample scene is too short, has no context, subtext, whatever.
Personally, I'd cut out all the dialogue, let John and Jane speak with their eyes and touch. We're supposed to tell movies with a camera. Actors and directors will figure out the scene subtext pauses during rehearsals and camera blocking.
Dan MaxXx I don't do my best writing until I look at a 130 pg screenplay and someone important wants to look at it and I want to drive it down to at least 110 pages. That's when I know how much can come out and how "showing" is to my benefit.
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Show me, don't tell me.
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The OP question essentially asked if it was okay to include that she smiles. Yes. That's okay. Without context, we have no idea how the dialogue should work or not. Is this the first meeting between the two characters in the produce section of a supermarket? Or is it the final scene after we've built up to this moment? Decisions would different in either case.
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CJ Walley lol
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Imo, your words wax poetic and whimsical - in other words play-like. That's not at all a bad thing to briefly weave into a romantic scene - but to keep things moving in a screenplay, I'd add action lines. Preferably ones that play with visual irony - i.e. having them doing something that is anything but beautiful. (The image that popped into my mind's eye was her falling face first into mud, then getting up and being both embarrassed and annoyed as she says "Beauty exists without desire. Beauty, is beauty.." To which he perfectly replies "Beauty is you" with a smile.) That will not only make it fun to watch, it will create the kind of romantic tension that it seems you're going for - while revealing his heart - by SHOWING his reaction, not merely having us hear his words.
Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth. :)
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What action reflects dialogue?
Michael L. Burris I think the middle finger does that well.
To expand on my first comment.
The reason I would drop the line is that the smile doesn’t set it up enough. How is that line performed? Is she flattered? Perhaps she blushes and smiles. Perhaps she has no confidence and forces a fake smile.
Plus after 30 years of marriage I can recognise any one of my wife’s 100. From the newly wed “come rip my clothes off” smile to me more resent “have you mowed the lawn yet” smile.
I think that smile can be the picture that paints a thousand words.