Hi guys, I have just finished writing a feature. I have come up with a logline here..... "A man from the African country whose destiny is unclear embarks on a relentless mission to find a place called home".
I request you guys to help me reframe or rephrase that logline for me. Do you have ideas whether it can be changed to something you think could sound better or I should leave it like that? I need your views, corrections or any suggestions.
Thanks!
I feel you're missing the thing that's there to stop him, at the moment it reads like he's working hard, but at what? An "unclear destiny" doesn't chime with the gravitas I expect it needs to. Plus "the African country" seems oddly vague,.
Did you think about a just cutting it in half? "A man embarks on a mission to find a place called home."
"An African man with an unclear destiny embarks on a relentless mission to find a place called home."
Format: who, what is the situation, rising conflict.
Maybe you can tell us more about what he’s up against.
We need to know about the antagonist and what will happen if he fails.
You are right Christopher relating to format...In simpler terms... Who? An African man. Situation? He embarks on a mission to find a place called home. Conflict? What kind of challenges or threats does he encounter on the way threatening the success of his mission/journey and what actions does he take to overcome the obstacles?
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Shunned at every turn, a rootless African man embarks on a perilous journey across Africa to discover his destiny and find a place to call home. (26)
Christopher Lockhart - Story Editor at WME. 30-years doing this.
http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf
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Try this one:
"A displaced man, forced to leave his village under duress, travels alone across the trecheraous African savanna in search of his destiny and a place to call his own."
Rejected by a foreign system, a determined African man embarks on a turbulent journey across unfamiliar territory to reconnect with his roots and find a place to call home.
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I am adding to Thoko's logoine above.... Rejected by a foreign system, a determined African man embarks on a turbulent journey risking his (____?___) to reconnect with his roots and find a place to call home.
Yes, Andy. You are making a lot of sense and because Joshua has already finished writing the screenplay, he is the only one who can add the missing link.
Hey guys, thank you all for you ideas ,corrections and suggestions. I have chosen one of the two loglines among the many. I want to emphasize that hlmy story is not about a man who is leaving let's say US for Africa. No, the story is about a man who has a dream and his dream is to.find a place he can call a home. Talk of that young man living on street with a dream to accomplish and a home to settle in. It is a story exploring life of a dreamer who is seeking for a place of ultimate fulfilment in life. We all desire to be in that place where dreams are fulfilled and wholly satisfied. So the story concern each of us in one way or another.
I have considered Bill Albert's and Tasha Lewis's suggestions. I have finally chosen Tasha's logine.
Thank you all guys.
Thank you Balikoowa for choosing my logline. Thank you to everyone who offered their suggestions. My project "Searching for the Perfect Place" is a fiction novel adapted to a script about finding your place in your personal, professional and location in life. To learn more and provide feedback, visit my profile.
I am happy to have participated in brain storming your logline to selection.
Thank Tasha!
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You are welcome ,Thoku. I have seen your pm and corresponded as well.
Your welcome. Copy all loglines and use them for future reference when you start pitching and writing your synopsis.
Great. Tasha, are you a producer?
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I produced a music video entitled "I just couldn't be a sinner." You can view it on my profile page. I also was an actress, casting agent, dancer, producer and screenwriting in it. Thank you for the kind words!
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Marjolein, thanks for the overview.