Hey all, Just finished a script and would love some help on deciding on a log line. I've come up with the three below but any and all suggestions are appreciated.
Log line:
1. A scientist discovers the means to save her dying mother lies in the sacrifice of another human life. As she struggles with this decision, outside forces are vying to their hands on her panacea.
2. A scientist struggles between sacrificing one life to save another.
3. A genius janitor at a technology company breaks into the building after dark to conduct experiments she hopes will save her dying mother
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Personally, I like the first one. Short, sweet, succinct and just enough detail.
I'm assuming it's a feature...
Who, what, rising conflict - the logline cannot be a binary decision (yes or no), or else the story is over in 10 minutes.Stories cannot be about struggling with a decision because that is purely an internal battle. Outside forces vying sounds like there is no interaction with the main character. Conducting experiments in a lab is also an internal struggle since there is no interaction with anyone but the lab equipment.
In one logline you say it's a scientist, but the other a janitor, you have be clear who this character is. If this person is doing secret lab experiments, how are outside forces even aware of what the person is doing?
What we need to know in order to "see" the story in the logline is who this person is, what they are doing, and the rising conflict that develops due to the decisions they make.
The first one has promise but needs more work—too passive, reads slow, too many verbs, and/or has a missing word or odd use of words. It could easily be rewritten as one sentence, not two. More about the stakes are needed to make it more intriguing. The second reads more as a premise line and not as a logline—too vague, no sense of a narrative. The third seems incomplete—what are the stakes because of what this janitor (or scientist?) is doing? Yes, her mother's life is on the line but is this janitor in danger? Could her breaking into the lab land her in jail or get her killed? She's killing people, right, to save her mother? So... moral issues are at stake? Who could be coming after her? What genre is this? Horror/Sci-fi, maybe? Dunno... Hope that helps!
Something to work with: When a scientist’s mother becomes deathly ill, she conducts unauthorized experiments masquerading as a janitor at a tech company until dark forces vie to get their hands on her panacea.
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Working the graveyard shift at a covert government-owned lab, a Janitor with a genius IQ secretly experiments to save her dying mother but unleashes a killer virus that could wipe out the world's population.
Theme: Love conquers all... even viruses.
Plot Twist: The Mother's blood is the antidote.
Climax: Janitor sacrifices/kills her Mother to save the world.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I really like some of Dan MaxXx and Alister Brooks versions.
So maybe something like:
A Janitor with a genius IQ conducts secret experiments to find a cure for her dying mother while evading the eye of her sociopath boss.