I'd love to get some feedback on a spec script I've written for a 3D animated family series I'm developing. You can find the script here and it's for the initial script in the series: https://www.stage32.com/loglines/32244
If you have any questions, please let me know. Thanks in advance for any feedback. :)
You need to set up the homeless issue early on. If you drop it in at the end it is just a weak deus ex machina. The mother and her tortoises are irrelevant to the story and should not be mentioned.
You've mentioned two sets of kids, Kip and his siblings, Kip and his pals. This is redundant and they should be folded up into one group whom we can follow through the episode.
A kid who doesn't want to eat cucumbers when they have a bumper crop is a good setup.
Simon Turnbull - thanks so much for the feedback - it is most appreciated! I setup the homeless issue with Mom on pg. 11 (Scene 5), should I make it earlier than that? If so, that could be done easily. :) Thanks again for checking it out and letting me know your thoughts!
Glad it's helpful mate.
Um, on an eleven minute show your script will probably be 12-14 pages, so yeah, page 11 is way too late.
On a 22 minute show you would probably need to add a B plot to fill it out. I'd still be looking for opportunities to drop the homelessness in as early as possible.
Sounds great. Will do!