Screenwriting : A question about timing by DC Harrison

In my opinion this decision should be left to the director. Depending on your entire story, it all boils down to how the director "feels" about this scene. I believe that as writers we can only provide the gist of the scene but it ultimately depends on the director as well as the actors on how they handle the intricate details that bring out the heart of the scene. :D

Not just the director but the producer and, most likely, the editor will all have a say in how long the pause is. Unless it's specific to the murderer's trademarks let it go.

Beat works.

And to start an argument.

You are the editor, director, producer, cameraman and caterer until someone buys your script and gives those jobs to someone else.

It is your job to tell the entire story. Once they pay you they can do what they like.

I have a story that started in an Irish bar in Boston. It has changed to a workshop in New Jersey. One character that was a white middle aged guy is being played by a young black actor.

Write what you have to and watch it evolve.

My two cents: Perhaps just rewrite the scene a little. Add another bit of dialogue. No need for "suddenly." Adding "beat" is not necessary either because "a few seconds" is already implied by the light coming on in the window or by any other little tidbit you add to give the moment more time and descriptive flavor. Say, you could add a strange sound, maybe something crashing over or the sense that something is creeping across the floor after the light comes on before the child's scream to give it a few more seconds in the read. Of course, should this go forward into production, that scene's timing would best be determined later within the context of filming, editing, etc.

About the dialogue, unless you need the audience to know there is both a "mommy" and a "daddy" I would suggest omitting one or both. No kid in immediate trouble is that formal or would probably take the time to yell for both parents. Sounds too contrived, not authentic, no? If this attack is coming from a pet suddenly acting wildly out-of-character, threatening, then the child would probably say the dog's name, first, questioning... "Max? What's wrong, boy?" The child then growing more scared, urgent, would call out to a parent or just yell that something's wrong. That change would add a beat to the scene. Then, within the screaming, there could be yells for help for mom or for dad. You could add much to the horror.

Hope that helps!

Beth Fox Heisinger, thanks for the pointers. I agree it's a bit clunky and may leave readers scratching their heads. My plan was to open the script with an external feel of what happens toward the end, where we see it played out.

Mommy & Daddy are key characters in the story, but maybe not at this point? The time delay from light to light is the child moving from bedroom to bedroom. The child is not in danger (that she knows of), but concerned for an injured pet. She flips the parent's light to find them mutilated in their bed. Dialogue is an easy tweak.

You don’t need to show a pause but if you want to then they way you did it “Something's wrong with...” works to indicate a pause.

Thanks, everyone. Interaction in this lounge never ceases to keep my screenwriting journey moving forward.

I’d probably just put “...” before and after the scream part, to imply there is a pause but I’m just a beginner so take it as you will.

Read produced scripts & steal a style that inspires you. One of my fav writers is Richard Wenk. Look at page 1 of The Equalizer. Look how he “directs on the page” without typing CAMERA sees, short present and past tense sentences, mood setting, Time passing. Everything you need to know about our Hero is on page 1 without any dialogue.

Yeah, I refer back to the screenplay of “Call me by your name” a lot when i need inspiration, I don’t know, both my screenplay and that one feel very warm and sunny to me.

I think the line break is enough. Clearly, it's not the same beat.

That script is a bit overwritten. Why do we care what he has for breakfast? It's a stylistic template, certainly, but full of information that has little to do with the story which languishes while he shaves, does the dishes and irons a shirt. ???

Character could be imparted in half the self-indulgent time. There are far more economical ways to peg a character as healthy, neat and precise.

Tony S., I may personally agree... but the man is asking only for advice on the one, very specific point. We can make this community a lot more supportive if we reign in the unsolicited critique.

You get your points for being right, but comments like this also build you a reputation as a guy who doesn't respect other people's creative space. In a collaborative industry, that reputation can be crucial. Free advice is worth every penny, as my Granny always said... but if I were to offer you some of my own, it would be to give people only the help they ask for. Just because you see that they need something more, doesn't mean they agree.

I wasn't responding to OP. It's my opinion on the first page of the posted THE EQUALIZER script. And it stands. Mea culpa for not specifying, Honestly, I'd rather be known as someone who states what they believe. This script is nearly ten years old. Craft changes.

Thanks for Granny's free advice and the soap box drubbing. I'll take them under advisement.

In this particular example I wouldn't be overly concerned about the timing (wouldn't add anything nor take anything away) traditionally BEAT or PAUSE as an action element (left aligned to the page) could be added, but I wouldn't beat myself up about it and i'd be more concerned about the pace so it doesn't become sluggish.

If and when this becomes a shooting script the director will sort out a lot of timings and if there is anything that they don't feel comfortable with, they would change it, so best not to get precious about stuff like that.