Hello all! I have just completed the fifth draft of a short film I hope to produce later this year, and I would really love for someone to take a look at it and give me some feedback. It's a little tough to look objectively at your own work, and I would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts! You can find it here: http://www.stage32.com/profile/191803/Screenplay/Forsaken-Freedom Thanks again!
Screenwriting : Am I on the right track? by Andres Roa
Am I on the right track?
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Thank you both for your feedback! Alle - I see what you mean by what you said. This is the fifth draft in the way that I keep changing the copy (not starting from scratch). I'm going to let this sit in my head for a bit and see what I come up with keeping both of you guys's advice in mind. Thanks again!
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Hey Andres, I guess the question I'd ask myself would be, "What about this introduction will hook someone into the world I'm creating?" Right now, we got panicked moms taken away by some type of secret police. We don't get a sense of the characters, since they really don't say much. Mostly we get, "What's going on?", "We gotta go!" The police simply state their business. I'd suggest spending time on your characters, their dialog, to give us someone to invest in. Refine these people, so that when meet them on page one, we're interested and want the best for them. The police are militant, but right now serve only to give us exposition on the state of the world. Work on these characters too, Melissa's dialog, so that's she's not just stating things, but has an actual personality. Discover a way to hook us into this world. More has to happen. Either with the story or the characters. Do some exploration. Refine this world, the tension within it, so that when I finish the first page I have to continue on this journey.
Wow! I am so grateful for all of you wonderful people taking time out of your day to help a guy out. I need to take this weekend and really focus on this so I can do the best I can. Thanks again!