Screenwriting : A penny for your thoughts... by Steve Tomas Fecske

My first thought was that I don't know if this is going to be about his victory over these demons or a downer. Learning something is intrinsically positive, so I added it and wordsmithed it a bit. (Usually, if less words can be used -- throwing out "when" and "of the war" -- it might be better.) You might have a different positive spin to give it. Not sure if this communicates now what you want, but here is my suggest. An American, shamed because he believes his relatives died like sheep at Treblinka, decides to fight back; taking him into the worst Nazi atrocities where he must learn to face his hatred, his lack of faith and the loss of those he has come to love.

It's not clear to me. Is this a time travel piece? What time period is it set in? How does he fight back? Who is he? It seems fine to hate Nazis(!), so not sure what the hatred refers to. I also don't understand the relatives died like sheep aspect - this seems offensive if you're discussing the Jewish people who were killed. It was extermination. Hatred of the people that killed them rather shame at their deaths seems more human. Loglines created from what I understood: A Jewish American man, disgusted by the slaughter of his ancestors at Treblinka, goes back in time to take revenge on the perpetrators. To infiltrate the camp, he has to become one of the very men he despises. In 1943, a Jewish-American man, disgusted by the slaughter of his relatives at Treblinka, infiltrates the camp disguised as one of the very men he despises. (Disgusted doesn't seem a strong enough verb.) Otherwise he is researching what happened? It definitely needs to be clearer.

Good points, Emily. I guess we'd need to know the story better for a really good analysis--other than pure editing as I mentioned above.

Emily, some of the points you make are the very lessons my main character comes to realize and learn. His idea of Jews, which he is one, going to their deaths without fighting back was common to many young men of the era. It is what drives my character to feel shameful that his relatives did not - it's also one of his deepest lessons to come to mean how wrong he is. I do thank you for your thoughts - they give me plenty to think about.

I personally found it too cumbersome. I had to re-read the first bit again to get my head around it. I know it is not tradition, but sometimes it is better to break it into two sentences maybe?

Emily added some great irony. With the irony, this is a much better story. When people talk about a "hook" they are often pointing out the irony.

You're welcome Steve, I was not aware of the shame aspect - definitely need to mention the era that the film is set in and maybe say that was a common feeling at the time?