"Mindscape" A brother and sister born with the ability to interact with the astral and dream planes, unknowingly cross the lines between the subconscious and physical worlds with dire consequences.
Screenwriting : Logline feedback for TV show Treatment by Jermaine Minitee
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too abstract/vague for me, i would like to tangibly know what exactly they do
Thank you good feed back Dave
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How about this "two siblings have the power to mess with the 3rd and 4th dimensions but will their meddling in the supernatural lead them to dire consequences? If I am guessing right. and dire consequences in what?
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Unnecessary comma. Pet peeve of mine.
Revised logline
Siblings with the ability to manipulate the dream and astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence that crosses the lines between the subconscious and physical world with dire consequences for them and those they love
Jermaine buddy this is still way too unclear to me, what does "manipulate the dream and astral plane" mean? what is a presence? Movies are about tangible visual specific things. What tangible thing happens in the movie? I have no clue what your movie's about.
It's not a movie it's a sci-fi TV show
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Siblings cross the line between subconscious and physical world to face "dire consequences" - need a better defined "dire circumstance" that grabs who you are pitching to.
revision Siblings with the ability to manipulate the dream and astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence that crosses the lines between the subconscious and physical world with deadly consequences for them and those they love
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I suspect people are getting confused, not only by the vagaries of what "dire consqeuences" consist of, but also by the use of the phrase, "the dream AND astral plane." I'd suggest picking one and making the second "plane" "the physical realm," worded as you wish. How about (example), "As two siblings discover they share strange dreams, events force them to realize they have unleashed a murderous nightmare upon the physical world."
I agree that is why I changed dire to deadly in the posted revision. but I see what your saying Ron
Thanks all for the feedback Much appreciated
here is my latest revision Siblings with the ability to manipulate astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence that crosses the lines between the subconscious and physical worlds with deadly consequences for them and those they love
Thank you for the catch Chip
How those this read Siblings with the ability to manipulate the astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence that crosses the lines between the subconscious and physical worlds with deadly consequences .
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Siblings unleash a creature from the unconscious that means destruction of the physical world. This is deadly consequence that everyone can imagine.
Close to the concept I'm going with for the show. But you are right about the consequence John
I think this give the right feel Siblings with the ability to manipulate the astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence which cross the lines between the subconscious and the physical world; with deadly consequences
Alle I revised the logline to make it more clearer "Siblings with the ability to manipulate the astral plane unknowingly unleash a presence which cross the lines between the subconscious and the physical world; with deadly consequences" the deadly consequence was referring to the presence that crosses the lines between the two planes (example causing someone's death in a dream and causing their death in real life) the presence The siblings are more in tune with the astral and dream plane then most are (able to understand and manipulate dreams . astral travel at well and understanding the laws of the astral world) As i'm not paranormal researcher it's just a work of fiction.
Revision of logline Siblings with the ability to manipulate the astral plane unknowingly unleash a sinster presence which cross the lines between the astral and the physical world; with deadly consequences
It seems to be getting closer. Let me recommend the best single article I've ever read on log lines and see if it's useful for you. http://www.crackingyarns.com.au/2010/03/25/the-most-important-27-words-a...
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Nice, but it's a movie not a book... keep words simple. "Astral" is too uncommon. Aim low, get further.
Thanks Alle for your feedback. I will do more research for for the background of the show
Royce I see what your saying. Thanks