Screenwriting : How about this one? by Gregory Kauffman

Better but try to lose the word cause, at least one of them. Also, it doesn't matter much but there is no such thing as a Native American Shaman. Shaman is a term from Russia that we use to label Native American Medicine Men. You can use it because it will get the idea across but if you want to be accurate use Medicine Man. instead. I would try to work the list at the end, (greed, betrayal, etc), into the sentence instead of just listing it at the end. Looking good, keep working on it.

Try this - A vision causes a blacksmith to go on a dangerous journey of self-discovery.

It feels too long. Do you even need to know the info came from a Shaman ? How bout: When a young blacksmith learns he is adopted, he leaves his fiancee and travels to a remote Texas town to discover his family heritage includes greed, violence and revenge.

Much too complicated for a logline. Try a version limiting it to a single sentence of 30 words max. And what's the central conflict driving the story? (give us a sense of that, not simply there's lots of nasty stuff going on.

Good suggestions guys.

I love the simplified versions above, but I feel a good logline should also introduce a concept that makes people say something like, "wish I'd thought of that idea."

lol i dont know if "i wish I had thought of that idea" is the reaction you want. You want people to say "I want to go see that movie."

Way to long and over wordy... My edit. The appearance of a Caddo Indian shaman spooks a young man into leaving the girl he loves, travel to a remote Texas ranch, where he not only discovers ancient family secrets, but who he really is. And it you really want to give it some more depth. The death of a Caddo Indian shaman spooks a young man into leaving the girl he loves, travel to a remote Texas ranch, where he not only discovers ancient family secrets, but who he really is. If it were on Netflix, I'd probably watch that. CP