My reading of the opening scene

"Scientists cross giant spiders and giant snakes." I don't wanna be in this movie, Todd Cornwell. Haha

What you have for a logline (Think deep blue sea x aliens) is a nutshell. Here’s a logline template that could help:

“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

Loglines are one or two sentences (a one-sentence logline sounds better and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it). You can add the antagonist in the logline.

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

Avoid using names in a logline (unless it's a Biopic or a famous story -- like a fairy tale). Use an adjective and the protagonist's position/role instead of a name.

Avoid using “must” in loglines because “must” sounds like the protagonist is forced to do whatever the goal of the story is (instead of the protagonist doing it willingly), and “must” doesn’t sound active. Audrey Knox (a TV literary manager) also said this during a logline review webinar on Stage 32 (https://www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Write-Now-Challenge-The-Logline-Rev...). Instead of using “must,” use “attempts to,” “fights to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “fights,” “battles,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc.

Example #1:

“After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won’t steal food that’s meant for hungry dog families.”

Example #2:

“A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help.”

NOTE: Not all stories will follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow this template. The pilot logline and episode loglines for a TV show might not follow this template, but the series logline could.

Thanks.

Is this better?

Had to change it again because it didn’t save

You're welcome, Todd Cornwell. The logline is better, but I think it still needs some work.

Here's a logline suggestion: "After nature extremists sneak (or another word other than "break") into a research facility, all hell breaks out trying to contain giant spider-snake monsters they released." I changed the first "break" to "sneak" so "break" isn't in the logline twice.

I think your synopsis needs more details. I like to write a short synopsis and a full synopsis for my feature scripts (www.stage32.com/profile/811418/Screenplay/Escape-the-House). I put the short synopsis in email query letters, the treatment, and pitch decks. I put the full synopsis in the treatment.

Cool thanks

Would appreciate your input on the reading of the intro scene. It’s here https://youtu.be/dr4ivLqjaLo

You're welcome, Todd Cornwell. Ok, I'll check out the intro scene.

Fantastic opening scene, Todd! It's gripping! I could visualize the scene. Way to open your script with a bang!

Thank you. If you know of a producer in finance, or that might be interested in something like that, let me know or let them know about me the ending will literally blow you away.