THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES

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OLYMPIANS
By Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

GENRE: Horror
LOGLINE:

An Olympic gold medalist and her family make sport of slaying unsuspected visitors, but find themselves with their hands full when a group of college athletes come knocking.

SYNOPSIS:

(Script currently in the works)

Leona McDermott

Hi Jean –Pierre Thanks for posting your script. Your logline interested me enough to make me want to look, and your story and writing kept me reading till the end – but you’ve only posted 21 pages :( You’ve got talent and I look forward to reading the rest of the script. Please message me when it’s ready and I will be happy to give you constructive feedback (if you wish).

Shawn Speake

What's good, JP! I love the title, the concept, your narrative style. Love where you're going…. Here's a tip from The Art Of Dramatic Writing on unity of oppsosites or conflicting agendas. Nicetys such as thank you, your welcome, etc. dilute tone and dramatic intensity. Ex. P16. Rye says, I'm sorry, he ain't got no manners. If you delete, I'm sorry, and she says, with attitude, that fool ain't got no manners! You increase the intensity and conflict just by not saying the nicety. I see they're happy college guys and girls, but the sooner they get to arguing and fighting with each other the better…. This was a pleasure to read. Way to post work, my friend! Great work, JP!

Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

@Leona, I really appreciate that. I plan on being done by the end of the month so I'll definitely take you up on that offer. @Shawn, thanks for the read, brother. I always forget about that. I try to make my characters sound "real" and forget about the entertainment factor in it all, so I end up sticking in the "yeah, well," and "um, I guess". I'll definitely remove them where I see fit. Rye's dialogue is a perfect example. And plus it reads funny, so it's perfect.

Leona McDermott

Hi Jean-Pierre Shawn and Bix have given you some good feedback so far. I will add that we know too much about the protagonists too soon. We know by page 21 that they’re all supreme athletes, so of course they’re going to be an equal match for the crazies. What if they’re were all injured and on their way to a treatment centre? That would make them not so quick to brag about their abilities and probably not want to talk about their strengths. It would make the killers think they were easy targets and as time went on they, and us, realise they’ve got some mad skills. What about some more conflict between the main characters? The engaged couple for starters. One could be cheating. Or a jealous friend trying to break them up. They’re just all too nice to each other. Something that maybe gets revealed whilst they’re being hunted causing issues with solidarity? Just a few thoughts for now. I’ll wait until I’ve read the entire script and give you further feedback privately.

Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

@Bix - I'm glad you found my beginning so brutal to the point where you question whether or not I'll be able to top it. It's candy compared to the rest. I just googled "The Most Dangerous Game". That's pretty awesome and sadistic. I never heard of it. Why haven't they made a recent movie about this? Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, my "protagonists" are just normal people. That's the one thing I'm afraid may hurt my script. I've watched several great slashers, but I haven't seen an example of this outstanding protagonists with clever dialogue and strong character flaws. Yes, I can be the "first", but if I have a group of kids getting picked off, I don't see where there's room for these compelling characters. It's something I'll work on. Thanks, Bix. I'm assuming you don't know what "went postal" and/or "Yuppie" means? Think Patrick Bateman. So where did you stop? Your notes only imply that you read maybe three or four pages. Thanks for your very detailed and constructive criticism, Bix. May I ask why you took your script and our notes off of your page? Are you rewriting it, and then plan on showing us your improvements later?

Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

@ Leona - I actually didn't tell people they were college athletes in a first draft, and several people told me to tell us that in the beginning because it hooks the reader. Sigh... I'll consider it. There's some inner conflict between the engaged couple. As the script goes on, you'll see the flaws between them. But you're saying we should know right away. I'll think about how I can do that. Thanks.

Leona McDermott

Loglines are always a work in progress so it's not probably a priority at the moment. I meant conflict between all the other protagonists. Isn't it usually more fun when someone tries to break up a happy couple? Or a seemingly happy couple are crazy behind closed doors? (Maybe that's just what my sick twisted mind likes to watch!) But once I see the whole forest, as opposed to a few trees, I'll be able to make a more informed assessment.

C. D-Broughton

I'm not a fan of slashers but I read all the pages and they're very well crafted. You set up that the family are psychopaths in the first page and as soon as the car breaks down, we just know what's to come. Frankly, if I were a fan of the genre, I'd be very eager to read more, so I can understand where Shawn and Leona are coming from. Here are a few things: The word you were looking for on page 1 is bolas. I didn't know what you meant by "gone postal" either, but then, I'm British, so I also had to look up letterman. Feel free to ignore quibbles that you're sure your target audience will understand. Should that be "thin and feeble under his letterman"? I had to read that sentence a couple of times, and then... I was confused because Alicia zips up her letterman. I wasn't sure who was supposed to be wearing the coat and, as it turns out later on, at least four of the characters have the same style jacket. It's a very minor niggle but you could clear it all up right off the bat with a line like, six letterman-wearing college students are crammed into the car when they're first introduced. I don't see how anyone could confuse musketeer with engineer (especially when Rye seemed so smart until this point)... Frank's character is solid! Nothing wrong whatsoever with revealing that they're all expert sportsmen. In fact, why wouldn't someone who's proud of his/her achievements say, "I'm an archer?" Or even, "I'm the college champion archer"? Also it sets up the versus factor all the more and doesn't give off a cheap surprise when the students start fighting back ("Ha, you thought that you were a good wrestler, but I've won state championships three years in a row!" Kind of thing). I have to disagree with Shawn now, but Rye saying, "I'm sorry, he ain't got no manners," shows both that Rye is polite and that he respects Hillary. These are character reveals. And, Rye's not about to diss Dawson in front of her for his lack of manners, which says that he's not easily offended or at odds with Dawson in any way (unlike Kaleb). Kaleb doesn't much like Dawson but there isn't a real reason for him to try to split them up; in terms of drama, I'm sure it'll prove unnecessary once the heads start to roll after a few more pages. You have a few typo's/spelling mistakes (physique, being one that really stood out). Not enough to turn me off, mind. You did really well in making each of the college students sound different in their dialogue! Great job. Overall, I'll repeat that it's a very well-written opening that leads us quickly into the carnage to come. A lot of slashers show boring school kids talk about girls and homework, whereas you just dump them a mile away from hell. Hats off to that. I wasn't sure if Sarah and Kaleb were a couple at first, and once I began to doubt that, I wondered why Kaleb was there, because - unless I read it wrong - he seemed to be the only person who wasn't a champion at something (aside from Dawson, who, as the car's driver, has every reason to be with them). Thanks for sharing. Carl

Leona McDermott

One more thing (probably not, but, whatever!) Ensure your action descriptions are a maximum of four lines. Large blocks of text are off-putting to read. At this stage concentrate on the story and finishing the draft. It will be one of many. All the other factors, i.e. dialogue, character development, etc will flow naturally if the story is solid. Happy writing.

Anthony Cawood

Thoughts as I go... just my opinion of course and what do I know... 1) Like the opening scene and the setting, great contrast with the normal tranquility of a golf course. 2) The characters introduced seem a little 'stock' bit like Cabin in the Woods... maybe this is intentional 3) There's a couple of places where the dialogue seems a little below what you might expect from college students... but I'm a Brit so could be wrong... e.g. We done came all the way from 4) Some good lines in here too, loved 'They don't got gators' 5) Like the setup of the Newman's interesting group! Read to the end, pages went quickly, I'm a horror fan so could see influences from all over in here but they were all twisted a little so would read on/watch the movie. Anthony

Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

Thanks for the read guys. @Anthony, So I get one side telling me my character introductions are too generic, and the other saying they're confusing. lol. I'll find a balance somewhere. I'm friends with some people from the DEEP south that are college educated, and they know how to speak formally, but when they're around people they're comfortable with they speak like that. I'm glad you enjoyed. @ Leona - I wholeheartedly agree with the no more than 4 lines rule. Were you referring to my work or just telling me in general? I never do it, but my eyes slip over so many things when I proofread so who knows.

Jean-Pierre Chapoteau

(I thought I already posted this) @ Carl - NO ONE knows what bolas are! lol. I had them in another script which eleven people reviewed, and eleven people told me they had to google what they were. So I gave you the visual instead, lol. I'll change the thin and feeble line, and also the the introduction to let the audience know that they all have jackets. Thanks. It was Richard who said Musketeer, not Rye. Richard's a dunce. There's a reason for Kaleb's dislike for Dawson, and it plays in later in the movie. I tried not to do any "fill in" dialogue. I wanted every line to count so if the viewer rewatched the film, you would be like "Ah-ha" Thanks for the compliments. I'll fix the typos. I'm glad you liked it.

Leona McDermott

Oooops. Looks like I got you mixed up with another script. Let's pretend you never knew and I'm telling you in general ;)

Fiona Faith Ross

Horror is not my genre, but it hooked me in and I enjoyed reading it. I liked your characters, and I agree with the comments about dumping the students a mile from hell, and the contrast of the golf course v. hell.

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