A Letter From Our CEO – Now, Community Matters More Than Ever (COVID – 19)

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By Alan Madden

GENRE: Comedy

Set in the nineties:  An innocent chat on the internet and a confusion of identities leads to baseball bats, ice picks, revolvers and rifles. What do waitresses Carol and Leanne know about assassination? Nothing. But if they don’t make a hit in the next seven days, they become the target of a very professional hitman.




Quiet, thoughtful Carol shares her home with dippy fellow waitress Leanne. She daily seeks companionship in internet chatrooms, spending hours and hours with intimate strangers. One of whom, Z-man (David in real life), wants to meet. Finally she agrees, so long as they meet at the Café where Carol and Leanne work. Unfortunately, Carol tells Z-man she looks like Leanne.

Henry is a professional hitman.. He’s about to be paid by new client Eric, by coincidence, in the Café where Carol works.

Double barrelled confusion leads to Leanne, standing in for Carol, being mistaken for a “hitwoman” by Eric, who hurries away, leaving ten thousand dollars with the two penniless waitresses. Carol persuades Leanne that they should keep the money till its owner returns. Leanne agrees, then secretly spends the lot.

David-Z-man, who chickened out just like Carol, is smitten by the secretly observed Leanne and becomes a regular at the Café. But imperceptibly he finds common ground with the gentler, kinder Carol.

Later, when Eric demands of Henry: “Why hasn’t the target been killed?” Henry and apprentice Peter trace the mis-connection back to Carol and Leanne. Henry is rigorously professional. The money’s gone, he’ll have to make the hit for nothing. After he has killed the two women. But Leanne has a solution – she and Carol will make the killing for him. Henry allows them a week to make the hit. But, unbeknownst to the two women, Henry intends to murder them after the hit – they’ve seen his face.

What do Carol and Leanne know about assassination? Nothing. But they research target Ritchie and decide to shoot him mid-jog. They buy an antique rifle from illicit gun-dealer Panos. After practice, Leanne feels confident, so long as she can get close enough. But can she pull the trigger? Kill someone? Carol doubts it. But there’s Lucy, receiving a beating from her pimp, Terry. Leanne leaps from her car and takes aim at Terry. So does Lucy, with her tiny “purse-pistol”. As Terry advances on her, Leanne takes a deep breath and fills him full of lead – or so it seems to the head-down Carol. The real killer is Lucy, whose discarded pistol Carol later discreetly pockets.

The morning of the hit nothing goes right. Leanne’s car won’t start so the women lug their bag of weaponry on the tram. Later, as the target comes within range, in a fit of the “Stallones”, Leanne ignores all their stealthy preparations, leaps from cover and yells “Die motherfuckers!” And misses with every shot.

Peter, by arrangement with Henry, is backup for the women. But he also misses. Inevitably, Henry makes the kill – a single discreet shot and target Ritchie slumps. That only leaves the bodyguards, one of whom the women see for the first time is the treacherous Eric, Henry’s “employer”. He quickly despatches his brother bodyguard and turns to the women. Leanne panics – throws the gun away and sprints with Eric in hot pursuit. She takes a tumble and looks up – into the barrel of Eric’s gun.

Before he can shoot, timid Carol to the rescue – gun blazing, she charges down the hill. And misses totally. Eric prepares to kill both women. Then a red blot expands on his forehead and he slumps to the ground.

Saviour Henry has done it again. But the women’s relief doesn’t last – Henry trains his gun on Leanne, begins to pull the trigger. Peter turns his gun on his boss – but Henry knows he won’t shoot. Carol pulls out Lucy’s little pistol and trains it on the hitman. But she’s shaking like a leaf. Henry snorts his contempt.

And falls to the ground. Shot in the back by the now revealed dying Ritchie, who drops his gun and folds. Dead. The three survivors drive off passing several converging police cars. Henry’s training holds – despite the need for a high-speed escape, Peter’s driving is slow, careful. Invisible.

Later that day, Peter tells Leanne of his latest problem - he has “inherited the family business.” And with it a contract. A hit must be made, in a hurry. And Peter hasn’t a clue how to go about it. He needs expert help. Leanne’s expert help – didn’t she eliminate four men this morning? The truth emerges: Leanne, Peter and Carol all missed. They can’t take over the business. But then it dawns on Leanne and Peter that Henry has also left several million dollars. Things are looking up. For Carol too – she has finally identified the elusive Z-man. Turns out he’s that customer David that Carol has taken a shine to. Just might be a future there too.

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