A young girl is rescued from the notorious procuress Mother Needham in a daring raid by some of 18th-century London's greatest artists and thinkers, leaving them exhilarated and determined to embark on additional secret adventures. (This is not a docudrama, biopic, or historical drama, but a work of the imagination, and is an ideal buddy movie for accomplished actors.)

SYNOPSIS:

The artist William Hogarth meets the young girl Henny in a park frequented by prostitutes, then brings her to his art studio in Covent Garden, where he and his wife Jane argue about the girl, who Jane calls a whore. Their argument ends with the arrival of his six illustrious friends, whom he has convened to discuss the contrast between the elegant lives of London's intelligentsia and the chaotic lives of the hordes of the very poor. (A bit like 2014?) Henny serves the Hogarth's elegant guests as the discussion proceeds, but then leaves to meet with Mother Needham, the most notorious brothel-keeper in London. When the gentlemen learn that the girl is a captive of Mother Needham, the organize a farcical commando-style operation to rescue the girl, which includes Dr Johnson and Alexander Pope creating a front-door diversion with whistles, howls, and scary faces, while the others boost Oliver Goldsmith up a very tall ladder so he can sneak into Mother Needham's establishment and lead the girl to safety. When the operation is complete, the gentlemen-commandos realize that they have just had a great deal of fun, and begin the process of planning additional such escapades. (TV series, anyone?)

BILLY'S BOYS

BILLY'S BOYS A Film Script

Characters:

Henny, a young country girl seeking work in London.

William Hogarth, the renowned 18th century London painter, engraver, social critic, and philosopher.

Jane Hogarth, the artist's wife.

Samuel Johnson, the most celebrated scholar of the age and the creator of the first English dictionary.

Oliver Goldsmith, Irish comic playwright ("She Stoops to Conquer)" and novelist ("The Vicar of Wakefield"). Also known as "Nolly."

Alexander Pope, author of the classic poem "The Rape of the Lock." Pope was a short man with a bent spine.

Henry Fielding, novelist and author of "Tom Jones" and other works.

David Garrick, the foremost actor of 18th century England.

Jonathan Swift, author of "Gulliver's Travels," "Tale of a Tub," and other classics.

Mother Needham, a notorious London madam.

The London poor.

[The action takes place in London in the mid-18th century.]

FADE IN:

INTERIOR, MORNING. William Hogarth's studio and showroom on the main floor of his three-storey house at Covent Garden.

HENNY enters the large art-filled studio, looking for Hogarth.

HENNY [calling out happily] Hogarth!... Hogarth!... HOGARTH!.. Where on earth are you, you wicked, wicked man?

HOGARTH [entering from the rear] Don't ever address me like that again, child! You're a lovely, high-spirited, and saucy girl -- which I must admit I like, especially the sauciness --- but don't ever again address me by my name. Call me sir, if you must call me anything. But don't talk to me as though I were one of your little playground friends. I'm not your plaything. Nor are you mine, all's the pity.

HENNY That isn't the way you talked to me in the park... Sir.

HOGARTH Forget what we said and did in the park.

HENNY In the park you tried to put your hand up my dress.

HOGARTH Did I? I must have been looking for something... Perhaps I was looking to find out why you called me a wicked, wicked man.

HENNY Yes, that was the reason, sir. You put your hand up my dress to prove your manhood to me.

HOGARTH Oh dear me, child. I don't need to prove my manhood to you or anyone else. I was just playing with you. My hand up your dress was just a little game.

HENNY And who won the game, sir?

HOGARTH The game was not to win or lose. It was played for enjoyment. Did you enjoy our game as much as I did? I confess, you have a desirable body, with well-shaped parts... I speak of course as an artist... Did you enjoy my attention?

HENNY Of course, sir. I was honored to receive attention from such an important man, and feel his hand enjoying me.

HOGARTH I was exploring you, not just enjoying you. Enjoyment was secondary. As I told you, I am an artist. When I felt you up, I was thinking of London... Why are you smiling? Are you laughing at me, child? How old are you? You're quite the little coquette for a country girl.

HENNY Seventeen on my next birthday.

HOGARTH And when is that?

HENNY Eleven months and three weeks hence, sir.

HOGARTH I'm sure that by then you'll best any debater in some rhetorical contest. Not just on your delicious good looks but on your obvious intelligence and wit.

HENNY Thank you sir. You are a very lovely person. And a very good-looking mature man.

[JANE HOGARTH appears from the rear.]

JANE What in Jesus name is going on? I don't like what I think I'm seeing and what I'm hearing.

HOGARTH Jane, what on earth are you doing here? You never come to my studio before noon. Never!

JANE We'll, I'm here now in your precious studio. Maybe I should say your delicious studio. What is going on between you and this little girl, this child? How much longer are you going to disrespect me? Forever, I suppose.

HENNY He has the greatest respect for you, ma'am.

JANE How dare you speak to me?

HENNY I'm so sorry, ma'am.

JANE [softening] It's almost afternoon. Did you have breakfast this morning?... You may speak now.

HENNY No ma'am. Not today.

JANE For the love of God. How do young people stay alive these days! ... Well, go downstairs and tell Sarah I want her to slice you a nice piece of ham from last night. Then, when you've finished the ham, come back up here and do whatever Mr. Hogarth wants, if it's decent. Go now.

HENNY [curtseys] Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am.

[HENNY exits to the rear.]

HOGARTH Thank you, Jane. Once again you've proved yourself England's best wife.

JANE England's best wife. All of England, not just London. What an accolade! Now I can hold my head up in the streetmarket when I'm shopping for onions... Do you feel no shame for bringing that whore into my house?

HOGARTH Why do you call her a whore? She's just a sweet young girl who has come here to make her life in London.

JANE Really. Not a whore, just a sweet young girl... And what kind of life will that sweet young girl have in London? The life of a whore, coupling like a mongrel bitch with men of every age and every race, men with clothes in tatters and hair smelling like seaweed ... The newspaper last week said two of every five London women are whores. And your sweet Henny is one of them.

HOGARTH Henny is not a woman, she's a girl.

JANE Oh, use your brain. You still have a brain, don't you? She's a whore, for God's sake. Are you stupid? Where did you meet the tart?

HOGARTH In the park. She may be a coquette but she's not a tart.

JANE Did you learn that from Dr Johnson's dictionary? Well, exactly what was she doing in the park?

HOGARTH She was walking.

JANE Why was she in the park? Where was she going?

HOGARTH Jane, how should I know where she was going?

JANE Because you always chat the young girls up.

HOGARTH Every man does that, confronted with a young girl.

JANE She confronted you? She stopped you for sex?

HOGARTH No, no. Of course not. I didn't say that. She didn't stop me. It was I who stopped her!

JANE You dare tell me that!

HOGARTH You misunderstand. Are you trying to misunderstand?

JANE No, I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to understand why you married me if you prefer to spend your time with whores and pimps and gamblers.

HOGARTH I never gamble... Almost never.

JANE Lovely. Then our fortune is safe, if you don't gamble all the time.

HOGARTH Not our fortune, my fortune, thank you very much. JANE I see. When we eloped I loved you so much, all those years ago. In spite of my father, who taught you how to paint and how to do your satirical engravings.

HOGARTH And do you still love me?

JANE Of course I still love you. We're married... And yet you still look for whores.

HOGARTH Oh for God's sake. Why do you go on and on and on about whores? Forget about whores. They're just women and girls.

JANE Yes, but I wonder what my father would have thought about his son-in-law's fascination with common prostitutes.

HOGARTH Ah, yes. What would the great Sir James Thornhill have thought? He would have thought that whores have no money to commission formal portraits, and no families to pose with them, so they should just drown themselves in the Thames and be damned to hell... Life is more than society portraits, Jane ... even though I've done a few such portraits myself.

JANE You never miss a chance to sneer at my father's memory, God rest his soul in peace. Even though he taught you all he could about the making of art.

HOGARTH Yes, but I've surpassed him. I may have begun life bringing food to my own father, my own poor dear father, in debtor's prison, and may have been a pupil in your father's art academy, but I've become a man of substance. I'm also a greater artist than my teacher, as you should know.

JANE Yes, you've surpassed him. You're a great artist, Billy, I have no doubt. But, God help us, you may also be a great whoremaster... Tell me, why do you think of nothing but whores?

HOGARTH That's not true, not true at all. I also think of drunks and muggers and pickpockets and jailers and murderers. I think of the people in the streets and the taverns and the kitchens and their bedrooms. I am an artist. I think of other things than whores, I assure you. I seek knowledge and experience, I think always of my art, and always of life.

JANE How nice that you assure me of that. I feel so comforted.

[HENNY returns from the downstairs kitchen.] Well, dear child. You're back with us. Did you get the ham I sent you downstairs for?

HENNY Ma'am, thank you, yes I came to say that a Mr. Ralph Lozon from downstairs hurt his foot and can't climb the stairs — do you know who I mean? —

JANE Of course I know who you mean. This is my own house, why wouldn't I know who you mean? He is my footman. Kind, loyal, competent man. I will keep him.

HENNY He told me to tell you the gentlemen have arrived and are waiting in the downstairs foyer.

HOGARTH What?! Oh dear Lord, we can't keep them waiting in the downstairs foyer. These are the greatest men in London and the greatest of this century, along with myself. Jane, please greet them for me. Henny, you stay with me while Jane is gone to fetch my guests.

[Exit JANE to greet the guests.] Henny, my child, this is an important assignment for you, and if you carry it on well I will give you a good recommendation for your employment search.

HENNY Yes, sir, thank you sir. You're very kind to me.

HOGARTH Yes, I am. Now here is what I want you to stay with my guests and be sure their needs are met. Their glasses must never be empty. Do you understand?

HENNY I know what empty means, sir.

HOGARTH Clever girl. Brilliant girl. Fill their glasses when they become half-empty. I want to see full glasses and happy guests. Let me tell you who these guests of mine are. There is first of all the greatest scholar in England and the world, Dr. Samuel Johnson. He is writing a dictionary of the whole English language. Think of that! An extraordinary man. He twitches and shakes and blinks like an idiot.

[HOGARTH comically pantomimes Johnson's twitching, shaking, blinking.] But pay him no mind: his twitching and shaking and blinking are part and parcel of his genius... And you will be serving my very good friend the novelist Henry Fielding. Do you know what a 'novel' is, my child? It is a thing quite new to the world. My friend is charting the way for others to follow.

HENNY I have heard of novels, sir. I have never seen one.

HOGARTH But you've heard of them. Good for you. Clever girl, clever, clever girl. Also accepting my invitation is another author, Oliver Goldsmith, one who writes both novels and plays. Have you heard of his play, "She Stoops to Conquer"?

HENNY No, sir. I have not.

HOGARTH A comical masterpiece. A shy young man stammers horribly any time he is near a woman of quality, one suitable for marriage. Can you guess how the shy young man's problem is solved and he wins the quality lady after many comical misadventures? Can you guess?... But I shouldn't tell you because you might want to go to the theater and see the play yourself.

HENNY I won't, sir. I will want to, but I won't go. I've never been to a theater, sir.

HOGARTH You need to cure that neglect, and visit the theater as often as possible. There is much amusement to be found, much wit. Also much depravity, of course. But one has to take the good and the bad together. Actually, both the good and the bad are better that way, right? Dessert can't be enjoyed until after the meal has been consumed, no matter how tasteless a meal it is. Isn't that right? ... Did you enjoy last night's leftover ham?

HENNY The ham was lovely. Do you always eat so well, sir?

HOGARTH Yes, I do. But you should not ask me a question like that, it's inappropriate. I'm an artist of consequence, and you are... you are... you... Anyway, Dr Goldsmith may want to fondle your breasts. It relaxes him. I'm sure you'll be a good sport about it... There's a girl... He's had some medical training in Ireland... And there is David Garrick, a dear friend and the greatest actor of the English stage. And there is Alexander Pope, who wrote "The Rape of the Lock" and other charming verses. That little man can rhyme anything with anything. Which is hard to do, except that I've just done it myself. Anything with anything.

HENNY No painters, sir? No engravers?

HOGARTH I am the painter and the engraver. None other is needed, because none other is worthy of this assemblage of London's most distinguished personages. Oh, I forgot Dean Jonathan Swift, who has given us the remarkable "Gulliver's Travels." You must read it, he's an absolutely brilliant man, who thinks more of horses than he does of humans. Oh, now here they are. Stand up. Stand up!

[HENNY and HOGARTH stand; enter JOHNSON, POPE, FIELDING, GOLDSMITH, GARRICK, and SWIFT, who arrange themselves in seats set out for them around the room, but who will individually stand again and move around as the discussion proceeds.]

HOGARTH Welcome to all. I am honored that you've come today, and honored and most humbled that you are my friends. Henny, our serving girl today, will bring you your drinks of ale. Of course, tea for you, Dr Johnson. Ale for the rest of you. If you have any special requests, such as the imported gin that is destroying the heart and soul of England, just tell our girl Henny as she comes 'round to you.

[HENNY begins to serve the gentlemen. JANE exits to return downstairs to supervise her staff in the kitchen.]

DR JOHNSON Why are we here today, Mr Hogarth? Do you have a question for us?

HOGARTH The question is London, sir.

DR JOHNSON London is a word or a place, sir, not a question. I would refer you to my dictionary but I am only up to the letter 'm' and 'question' of course begins with 'q' -- so it falls off the known universe, as it were. But it will not evade my capture forever. It will in due time come into my grasp. What questions do you have about London?

GARRICK Sir, let me speak for my good friend Hogarth. One question would be: How is it that we -- and other gentlemen like us, many of them our friends -- can be leading London to world greatness ... while the city itself is a teeming cesspool of moral degradation?

DR JOHNSON Oh, people are simply taking their pleasures. Their first pleasure is fucking, their second is drinking. London is not just a Palace of the Mind, it is a Palace of Pleasure. A Palace of fucking and drinking and mindless amusements.

POPE Mindless indeed! Amusements are the happiness of those incapable of thought. What they are is time-wasters for mindless and worthless people who spend their nights and their days in taverns.

SWIFT Ah. Taverns bring about much misery, much insanity. A tavern is a place where madness is sold in a bottle.

FIELDING That certainly is true, Dean Swift. Men stagger from one tavern to another and then another and then yet another, before finally staggering home to their wives and their beds. I don't know what the answer is to this depraved situation. It is bad men who are spending all their days and nights in taverns. All I know for sure is that it is easier to make good men wise, than to make bad men good.

GARRICK And surely card-playing is just as bad as tavern-going. I think we all agree, good fellows (all agree! -- wonders will never cease) -- I think we all agree that everything without exception can be done to destructive excess -- the drinking of ale and even the playing of cards. Cards, which were intended to amuse, can be used instead to enslave the minds of those who pick them up.

HOGARTH Dr Johnson, why do you suppose this condition exists?

DR JOHNSON The mind is never satisfied with the objects immediately before it, but is always breaking away from the present moment, and losing itself in dreams of future felicity... The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure in the present but from hope to hope in some unknown future.

HOGARTH [calling over to GOLDSMITH, who is whispering to HENNY and holding her close; the two have moved away from the others]. Dr Goldsmith, why are you so silent today?... Dr Goldsmith! Dr Goldsmith! Nolly, can't you hear us? You need to come closer!

GARRICK Poor Nolly is, I'm afraid, an idiot. In fact, that's what Reynolds has called him: an inspired idiot. I think that's very apt, because our friend Nolly's "She Stoops to Conquer" is very droll, very droll.

FIELDING Very droll indeed. I've never laughed so much. DR JOHNSON Forgive me, Mr Fielding, but I have learned never to heed one writer's comments about the works of another unless the two writers are in two different rooms and cannot hear a single word the other says.

SWIFT That is an excellent observation, Dr Johnson. However, in the present case, our room here is very large and in any case it's evident that our friend Goldsmith can no longer hear us, because as you can see he has moved as far away from us as he can get -- and he seems quite entranced by that young girl Henny he is clearly trying to seduce. If seduction is even necessary.

FIELDING I think it won't be. He shouldn't have much trouble tupping that little cupcake. She's ready for the streets right now. One can see it in her eyes and in the ways she moves her body.

GARRICK Yes, she's certainly well-aware of her upper-body treasures. When she fills our glasses she makes sure she also fills our imaginations. She moves around like a wanton actress.

FIELDING Mr Garrick, is there any kind of actress other than wanton? As the leading man of London theater, you of all men should know.

GARRICK I have never done a careful survey of wanton actresses. Maybe I will. It seems liked an excellent idea, I must say. But a quick answer to your question would be no, there is not. Wantonness reigns, thank God.

SWIFT Let's not thank God for wantonness. Let us credit womanhood -- God's greatest creature, whether wanton or otherwise engaged.

FIELDING Then God bless womanhood. [Glasses raised by all except far-away GOLDSMITH.] HOGARTH Mr Goldsmith, if you can hear us, raise your glass.

FIELDING If you can not hear us, continue seducing that poor sweet girl. [GOLDSMITH and HENNY remain seated and in intimate conversation.]

GOLDSMITH I confess I haven't been listening. I hope you will forgive me, all of you, but especially Mr Hogarth, our gracious host. I have been in deep ... consultation... with the lovely young lady, Henny, to whom I have been offering my advice as a physician and a man of the world. Again, my apologies to all for my inattention. I will return to your good company after I accompany to her destination. It is not far away. I shall return soon.

HENNY Mr Hogarth, I should like to thank you and your lovely wife for the kindness you have shown me, but I must leave you now, to pursue my dreams. God bless you.

HOGARTH Godspeed to you both. Dr Goldsmith, we will look forward to your return both to our company and to your more usual state of exuberance. Perhaps when you do we will, once more, enjoy your dancing on the table, Dr Goldsmith. Again, sir, Godspeed. [They exit.]

POPE What will become of the poor young girl?

SWIFT Nothing good, Mr Pope. GARRICK Something bad.

POPE Oh dear. Oh dear. [FADE OUT. Then we FADE IN again on the same scene.]

FIELDING [to all] When do you think Goldsmith wlll return? HOGARTH I have no idea. There is no predicting Nolly... Perhaps he won't come back to us at all. Maybe he went off with the young girl for good. I wouldn't be surprised.

POPE If Mr Goldsmith is unpredictable, it means he's just a man, and no one should expect clockwork of a human. Man is not a timepiece, but a conundrum; in fact, he is the glory, jest, and riddle of the world.

GARRICK Mr Pope, are you quoting us from one of your own verses? Should you be doing that?

SWIFT Mr Garrick, he's not quoting his own verse, he's merely alluding to it; there's no sin in that. He is just strutting on the stage, such as an actor would do... I have heard you described as the greatest actor of our times. Don't you ever strut upon the stage?

GARRICK No, I never do any such thing. Acting is not the business of strutting but the business of understanding -- understanding the minds and souls and modes of speech of those whom we portray.

SWIFT So whom are you portraying now?

GARRICK I am portraying myself. But I could portray anyone at all.

FIELDING Could you portray our friend and comrade Nolly Goldsmith?

GARRICK Indeed. Anyone at all, including him. I would think about him until I knew everything about him, and then I would act accordingly. I would become Oliver Goldsmith.

HOGARTH Well, David, do that for us now.

GARRICK What do you mean to say?

HOGARTH I mean to say that we are worried sick about him. My friend,why don't you become him — so that you can tell us where he is and what he is doing and when he will return.

FIELDING One doesn't have to be an actor to do that. Mr Goldsmith is no doubt somewhere tupping that girl Henny.

DR JOHNSON Mr Fielding, even in jest you should not cast cynical aspersions on one of our great comrades, although it is perhaps acceptable to laugh at his foibles. Mr Goldsmith is a great man. There is no kind of literature the poor man has not attempted and adorned. I'm sure he'll be with us again soon. SWIFT And the girl? She'll be with him on his return?

FIELDING Perhaps not. Perhaps not.

SWIFT Why not? FIELDING Because London is London! It can devour its women and children. Babies of gin soaked mothers are thrown away to death by drowning, with scores of tiny bodies found floating in the Thames, along with dead cats. And young girls are forced to choose between starving or selling their bodies on the streets. I often wish to leave London and go elsewhere. London is so exhausting, so immensely tiring.

DR JOHNSON Sir, don't yield to such temptations. When a man is tired of London he is tired of life, for there is in London all that life can afford. Where have you thought of going?

FIELDING To the country and to clean air.

DR JOHNSON Going to the country would be he a terrible mistake. To see life you should remain in London. In London you will see as much of life as the world can offer.

GARRICK Yes. But I'm reminded of John Gay's "Beggar's Opera", a charming and intriguing piece, featuring highwaymen, whores, and corrupt politicians. A veritable guidebook on contemporary London. That's the problem we face.

[FADE OUT; then FADE IN on the returning GOLDSMITH.]

FIELDING The prodigal child returns to the adulation of us all! We are so happy to see you back, Dr Goldsmith! We have been very worried about you. Why has your return taken so long?

GOLDSMITH I was caught without umbrella in a dreadful thunderstorm. I had to go to my lodgings for a change of clothes.

SWIFT What of the girl? Is she with you?

GOLDSMITH No, she is not. She had other ideas. I have no notion where she is. Maybe she is at Mother Needham's for all I know, or maybe she's not.

SWIFT What sort of ideas did the girl have? GOLDSMITH She didn't tell me, but she is an innocent country girl who's come to London to improve her life. She doesn't want to starve here. She wants to live a fine life, with elegant things. That is not possible for ordinary girls.

SWIFT Mr Hogarth, don't you have any work for the girl? You had her working for you today. Can you not hire her as a regular?

HOGARTH No, Dean Swift, I can not, and that's what I told the girl right from the start. Today was a special circumstance in honor of the visit of you distinguished gentlemen. I have no openings for her, nor does anyone I know.

GARRICK Does all this mean that Henny has chosen to walk the streets?

GOLDSMITH I convinced her otherwise. I suggested an alternative...

GARRICK The alternative being what?

GOLDSMITH As I hinted to you, I took her to Mother Needham's, where I introduced her personally to Mother Needham, with my personal recommendation. Mother Needham was very gracious, and she agreed to take Henny on as one of her young ladies.

SWIFT I've heard of this woman. She has the reputation of a bully, who is ugly to her girls and works them 'till they are exhausted to the bone.

[ENTER JANE.]

JANE I'm back again to bring ale to Mr Goldsmith. [She pours ale into his mug.] If any of you other gentlemen would like more ale, just give me a signal. And I'll soon have a new pot of tea for you, Dr Johnson -- it's hard to keep us with you, sir, you love your tea so much. I've never seen the likes! I'm going to fill in for Henny now, since she deserted you gentlemen.

GOLDSMITH Thank you, Mrs Hogarth.

JANE You are very kind. Where is our Henny then?

GOLDSMITH She may have entered a kind of home.

JANE A convent? I didn't imagine Henny was devout. Is she devout?

GOLDSMITH Perhaps not. The home she's joined is I believe nondenominational.

JANE What is its name? GOLDSMITH I'm not sure. I can't remember. SWIFT Nolly, if you keep drinking in excess, you'll lose what little is left of your memory. GOLDSMITH That must be the problem, then. It must be the drink. [There is a silence as the gentlemen look at one another. HOGARTH seems devastated. JANE joins him downstairs as the other gentlemen remain where they are, in conversation the viewers cannot hear.]

JANE Billy, you look just dreadful. What can I do?

HOGARTH Nothing. This is all my fault, all my fault. I feel I am going mad.

JANE It is not your fault at all, and not mine, and not poor Nolly Goldsmith's. It is the girl's fault, or her mother's fault, or London's fault. Don't blame yourself. Have some ale, Billy. Put this sad business behind you.

HOGARTH I have lost my mind. If the girl's at Mother Needham's, Needham's friend Colonel Charteris will rape that poor sweet girl! That is what he does, the monster!

JANE You can't right every wrong. Think of something else. I'm afraid I unnerved you when I accused you of being a whoremaster. I'm so sorry, Billy. You're the only man I've ever loved, and you are an artistic genius. Get back to your painting and engraving! Do what only you can do. There is room for both of us in this marriage. Get back to your work.

HOGARTH I HAVE GONE INSANE!

JANE Come now, it is time for you to bid farewell to your guests.

HOGARTH [completely shaken] Thank you, Jane. I'll do that. FADE TO Hogarth's guests, whom he now rejoins.

DR JOHNSON Gather around me. I am forming a war council.

FIELDING A war council? Who is our enemy, sir?

DR JOHNSON Do you have to ask, Mr Fielding? Surely not! We have many enemies -- pestilence, disease, ignorance, and the wantonness that is growing every day and destroying our young people -- a whole generation of them.

SWIFT Sir, how exactly will we fight these enemies? They are everywhere and they are relentless, yet there are only a few of us.

DR JOHNSON We shall fight them wherever we can, Dean Swift.

GARRICK And will we win, sir?

DR JOHNSON Of course we will win, sir, but only in those places where we fight. We will use our fists and we will crush them. We will find the missing girl, return her to safety, and write her lesson plans, based on our different areas of experience and expertise -- words for which I have already provided expositions in my dictionary. Words like 'success' and 'victory' I have yet to deal with.

FIELDING Dr Johnson, if I may say so, this project will be hard to organize.

DR JOHNSON No, sir, it will be simplicity itself. I will remain here in Mr Hogarth's house, to operate Command Central. Dr Goldsmith will remain here with me at Headquarters, and stay out of further trouble. We have as company Mr.Hogarth, who will also stay out of trouble -- unless he provokes it through his art works. That is certainly possible.

FIELDING And the rest of us?

DR JOHNSON The rest of you are warriors, so you must prepare for combat. Do you have your horses ready?

SWIFT No, I will require a carriage.

HOGARTH I can provide one.

POPE May I ride with you, Dean Swift?

SWIFT I would be delighted, sir.

GARRICK And me, Dr Johnson?

DR JOHNSON Mr Garrick, you and Mr Fielding will mount your horses and scour the countries east of London, making enquiries about the girl.

GARRICK If we don't find her, sir?

DR JOHNSON Then try the north. Or the south. I leave that up to you. That will be completely within your own discretion. Consult my dictionary for the full meaning of the word 'discretion.'

FIELDING But if we still don't find her, we keep looking for her?

DR JOHNSON Exactly. Well-said. You are becoming an excellent detective -- another word well-explicated in my dictionary.

FIELDING Dr Johnson, you are setting us out on a long and arduous journey.

DR JOHNSON Exactly. And so you needs must saddle up at once and begin that journey.

GARRICK I see many difficulties ahead.

DR JOHNSON So do I. But nothing will ever be attempted if all objections must first be overcome. Saddle up and be on your way!

CUT TO: EXTERIOR. NIGHT.

[FIELDING and GARRICK are riding side by side on a country road. Garrick's horse comes to an abrupt halt.]

GARRICK He's thrown a shoe. Oh dear Lord. We're in the middle of nowhere. What should I do?

FIELDING Give him a stern talking to.

GARRICK You're joking.

FIELDING I've been known to make jokes.

GARRICK This is no time to make one. It's almost midnight.

FIELDING Shall I wait an hour and tell my joke just before one oclock?

GARRICK Sir, we're not in a Henry Fielding novel!

FIELDING No, I shouldn't think so. I wouldn't have written us into this predicament.

GARRICK Well, what should we do? I'm a city man, not a country squire.

FIELDING I never would have known. All right, tie up your horse where he'll have plenty to feed on and then climb up here with me on Solitude and we'll be on our way.

GARRICK His name is Solitude?

FIELDING Only if he answers to that name when I call him. Come on, let's be on our way. Hop up behind me. We're not making much progress with our search, and it's going to get even harder. [GARRICK gets behind on the horse, looking extremely uncomfortable.]

GARRICK Especially for me. [They ride off further into the night.]

CUT TO: [EXTERIOR, AFTERNOON. On the street outside of Mother Needham's establishment in London.]

SWIFT Did you talk to this Mother Needham person?

POPE No, I asked to speak to her, but was told she was not available.

SWIFT Who told you this?

POPE Some kind of servant woman, I suppose. Very tall, at least to me. Not a kind person.

SWIFT Why do you say she was unkind? What did she say to you?

POPE She called me a hunchback worm!

SWIFT Your back isn't hunched, Mr. Pope. Not really. Not extremely. I've seen worse.

POPE But you think me a worm?

SWIFT I didn't say that. The woman said that. Do you feel like a worm?

POPE Sometimes. Not always.

SWIFT There you go then. You're not a worm. What did the woman look like?

POPE She was sinister-looking and very ugly. She could have been an old witch of some denomination.

SWIFT Well, we'll come to the house again this afternoon. This time I'll try to get in myself.

POPE Why? Because I'm a worm?

SWIFT I just told you you aren't a worm. I gave you my assurances.

POPE Then why do you want to return here. To see the ugly old witch?

SWIFT To find the missing girl.

POPE Oh, the girl. I'd actually forgotten the girl. The old crone confused and distracted me with her accusations of my wormness. In my confusion I even forgot to shout at her and tell her I am not a worm.

SWIFT Regrettable, Mr Pope. But you're not a worm. No more than anyone else.

POPE I know that, Dean Swift. And I thank you for that. And that ugly old witch may go to hell.

SWIFT Give her no further thought.

POPE All right. But I'm not a worm.

SWIFT I've already told you that.

POPE And I believe you. I'm not a worm.

CUT TO: [INTERIOR, HOGARTH'S STUDIO, DAYLIGHT.]

JANE Where are your gentlemen friends?

HOGARTH [at his easel] Most of them have ridden off in search of that girl you disliked so much.

JANE I didn't dislike her so much. I could use her in the kitchen. I need another helper.

H0GARTH You should have told me that earlier. It's too late now.

JANE Why? What happened to her? HOGARTH Oliver Goldsmith took her God knows where and left her there.

JANE And where is Mr Goldsmith now?

HOGARTH Behind our house, relieving himself in our privy.

JANE And where is Dr Johnson?

HOGARTH He's waiting at the privy, poor man. Twitching in his normal mode, but even worse. He must really need to go.

JANE All that tea he drinks! I'm not surprised. I'm just surprised he doesn't spend all his days relieving himself.

HOGARTH Indeed. He never drinks ale. That is why he is so intelligent. Or so he thinks.

JANE No, I think that is why he stammers and blinks like a madman. That much tea is not good for a sane person... Nor that much ale. Mr Goldsmith drinks more ale than any man alive.

CUT TO: DR JOHNSON [pounding outside on door of privy] Come out! Come out at once! You've been in there forever. Come out!

GOLDSMITH [from inside the privy] I can't. I'm still exerting myself.

DR JOHNSON Yes you can. Finish your business and come out, you beastly man!

GOLDSMITH I can't, I can't.

DR JOHNSON I beg you, I beg you, I BEG YOU!!!... Please.

CUT TO: [DR JOHNSON and OLIVER GOLDSMITH re-entering Hogarth's studio.]

HOGARTH Good morning, gentlemen. I hope you slept well last night.

JANE Dr Johnson, you look very fit and jolly this morning. Did you have a nice walk?

DR JOHNSON No, madam, my fitness and jollity are derived from my use of your sturdy and excellent privy. I feel much relieved now and much jollier than before.

JANE Sir, I have never imagined great gentlemen such as you relieving yourselves.

DR JOHNSON It's just as well, Mrs Hogarth, that you do not imagine it, but we do indeed relieve ourselves with some regularity, if that is possible. Otherwise our brains would explode.

HOGARTH Good gentlemen, please protect your brains for our sake and for the world's.

DR JOHNSON You're too kind, sir. What are you painting today?

HOGARTH In my head I'm working on dozens of scenes. Maybe hundreds. On my easel I'm painting a scene for my new subscription series to be called "A Harlot's Progress."

GOLDSMITH Was it inspired by our missing girl?

DR JOHNSON Do we know for certain that she is a harlot?

HOGARTH No to both questions. I can never remember where inspirations come from, and we do not know for certain that she is a harlot -- only that she seems to have made some unsavory acquaintances. Dr Goldsmith introduced her to a certain Mother Needham, without realizing the consequences of that action.

GOLDSMITH I am very sorry for any part I may have had in allowing that to happen. I hope that all of you will forgive me.

JANE I'm sure we all forgive you, sir. The main thing now is to find the poor girl.

GOLDSMITH I wanted to go out with the search party but Dr Johnson wouldn't let me.

DR JOHNSON Since I am co-commander-in-chief, along with Mr Hogarth, you must trust my judgement. I'm sure I'll have work for you to do before all this affair is over.

JANE Dr Johnson, I've been horribly negligent toward you. Would you like to have another pot of tea?

DR JOHNSON Yes indeed. It's good for the soul. Tea's proper use is to amuse the idle, relax the studious, and aid the digestion of those who do not exercise and are incapable of abstinence. I belong in all those categories.

GOLDSMITH Sir, what are you doing in your tole as co-commander-in-chief?

DR JOHNSON I am waiting, and I am in charge. I am engaged in watchful waiting. That is my role, and I will fulfill it with the same diligence that is evidenced by my scholarship and by the patience evidenced by the many years I've devoted to the construction of my encyclopedic Dictionary of English language! A scholar must know how to wait, as must a leader, and both must also know how to pounce! I know how to pounce, and will do so when the time comes!

HOGARTH When will that time come?

DR JOHNSON Soon, sir, very soon. Stay at the ready. Then we will pounce. All of us. And then I'll get back to my Dictionary.

JANE God bless you, sir.

DR JOHNSON Of course He will. Our cause is just, and I am the commander-in-chief! Admittedly co-commander, but all the same.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR, NIGHT. FIELDING and GARRICK remain lost in the countryside.

GARRICK Where are we, Mr Fielding?

FIELDING Lost, Mr Garrick.

GARRICK But we were lost two hours ago.

FIELDING Well, we are at least consistent. We are still lost.

GARRICK I take little comfort in our consistency. I am exhausted beyond belief. My bones are aching. I hate this countryside that you claim to love so much. I hate being lost.

FIELDING Then you will also hate hearing about Tom Jones.

GARRICK Your novel?

FIELDING My horse. Our horse -- the same horse which has nobly been bearing your weight as well as mine, through all this mud and muck. The horse I sometimes call Solitude and sometimes call Tom Jones. Tom, too, is exhausted beyond belief. I hope he is not dying. I fear he is.

GARRICK That would be a catastrophe for all three of us! I include Tom Jones, even though he is but a brute animal. What is Mr Jones's immediate problem, other than dying?

FIELDING He is stuck in the mud. So are we, sir. I think we need to treat Tom as we did when we had to abandon his stable mate -- find a place to graze on the land, and wish him fond farewell.

GARRICK But what of us? I'm not a country lad like you, I can't eat the grass to stay alive.

FIELDING Oh, neither can I, I must admit. We'll find a way to return to town, to see what progress our comrades have made.

GARRICK By walking all the way to London!

FIELDING By hitching a ride from one of the farmers who graciously cart their cows milk each morning to town for sale to city dwellers such as you who may never have seen a cow that was not in a book for children. The word 'hitch' can be found in the great Dictionary being authored by our friend Dr Samuel Johnson, whom we will see again very soon.

GARRICK Not soon enough, sir. Wait, be careful where you're walking! Careful, careful. You're avoiding the mud puddles but you're about to step in ... Oh, too late, too late!

FADE, then CUT TO: EXTERIOR, EARLY MORNING [FIELDING and GARRICK are sitting uncomfortably and forlornly in the back of a milk wagon headed to London.] FADE OUT.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR, MORNING. Outside of Mother Needham's fortress-like bawdy house. POPE and SWIFT plan their strategy.

POPE Are you ready to mount your assault on Mother Needham's?

SWIFT No, I want to wait until this afternoon, when the house has come fully alive. I'm just reminding myself of the nature of my challenge. For the moment we should return to our carriage and take a turn or two around town. See the sights, as it were.

POPE Are you nervous about trying to gain access to the house?

SWIFT Not at all. I shall just present myself and show my seriousness of purpose.

POPE I'd be willing to try again. Today is another day.

SWIFT The woman regarded you as a worm, or so you said.

POPE I'm not a worm.

SWIFT I agree. You are not a worm. I thought we had settled the issue yesterday.

POPE It keeps coming up.

SWIFT I didn't bring it up. Who brought it up?

POPE The woman brings it up.

SWIFT The woman is not here.

POPE She brings it up in my mind. I can't expunge her loathsome spirit from my brain.

SWIFT Let's take a jaunt and see the sights. That should clear your brain and give you a fresh outlook on the world.

CUT TO: INTERIOR OF A CARRIAGE, LATE MORNING. POPE and SWIFT The two gentlemen watch the passing scene as the carriage passes through the Strand, Haymarket, and surrounding areas. They say 'Look, look over there!" -- and what they call attention to are wealthy gentlemen dandies, obvious prostitutes of varying financial conditions, very poor people, drunk people imbibing from the gin bottles in their hands, mothers so drunk they can not hold on to their babies, and pickpockets in the actual act of robbing from their victims. But finally the trip is over.

SWIFT I think we've seen enough, my friend. Let us take some lunch and then get back to Mother Needham's.

POPE Yes, you have work to do, since you are not a worm.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR, AFTERNOON, OUTSIDE OF MOTHER NEEDHAM'S MANSION

POPE Dean Swift, have you become nervous yet?

SWIFT No, I told you wasn't nervous this morning, and nothing has changed.

POPE What has changed is that the time for action has arrived.

SWIFT I am not nervous.

POPE You have not yet seen the woman or her girls.

CUT TO: [SWIFT walking to the house and being admitted by the tall woman referenced by Pope.]

WOMAN Which of our girls do you wish to see?

SWIFT I wish to see all of them.

WOMAN You want to see ALL of them? You don't have sufficient stamina for that.

SWIFT How do you know? I'll be the decider of that.

WOMAN Ultimately the girls will, but you're right: it's not for me to judge. It's for you to prove.

SWIFT Good. Bring me your girls.

WOMAN No, sir. Many of them are sleeping.

SWIFT It's three o'clock in the afternoon, madam.

WOMAN But many of the girls were working until dawn. There was a party. It was a very successful party indeed, judged by the broken champagne bottles. I'll show you some girls. [She beckons to a servant, who immediately ushers into the room three girls of different ages and descriptions.] Which of these beautiful ladies pleases you the most?

SWIFT None of them pleases me.

WOMAN I can not imagine why you are displeased. I showed three of our loveliest ladies.

SWIFT Keep trying.

WOMAN I'll show you three more, sir. [She beckons again to the servant, who removes the first three and ushers in three more young ladies.]

SWIFT These also won't do. Not that I want to hurt their feelings.

WOMAN No worries, sir. My girls have no feelings. They are steeled. Feelings would detract from their work. Perhaps for an extra remuneration I could have one of the girls summoned who is still asleep. What sort of young lady does the gentlemen prefer? What hair color, height, age, bosoms, and so forth? What sort of girl would you most like to inspect?

SWIFT Please bring to me a teenaged blond girl newly arrived from the country. She is known as Henny or Henrietta.

WOMAN Sir, don't dare to play with me. Are you a friend of that crooked little worm who came asking about her day before yesterday?

SWIFT Yes, madam, he is my friend, but he is not a worm.

WOMAN That is your opinion, and you are wrong. He is a bent little worm and you are an over-fed buffoon. Get out of my house at once, or my servant will have our Mr Dollar, an animal, throw you into the gutter. Now! Out! Out! CUT TO: [SWIFT and POPE back in their carriage.]

POPE What did she say to you, exactly?

SWIFT She said 'Out, out!'

POPE And what did you do?

SWIFT I got out. It seemed the prudent thing to do. She threatened to have me thrashed by some brute in her employ, a Mr. Dollar or some such.

POPE Very wise of you. I would have done the same thing myself... In fact I already did... After that woman called me a worm I no longer wished to remain in her company. So I got out, just as you did.

CUT TO: INTERIOR, AFTERNOON, HOGARTH'S STUDIO. THEY ARE ALL BACK TOGETHER NOW.]

HOGARTH It's a pleasure to have all of you gentlemen back here again, safe and sound.

FIELDING Our horses are dead, mine and Mr Garrick's, from the stress they were subjected to.

POPE Dean Swift and I also were subjected to stresses and taunts, which I would rather not discuss, though they called into question not just my personal honour but that of this entire group.

SWIFT Mr Pope thinks we should make the woman pay for these slurs. I cannot truthfully say I disagree with him.

GARRICK My horse is in a field somewhere, maybe dead or maybe just enjoying the guilty pleasure of eating some strange man's grass. Maybe he'll be taken in by the farmer there, and live a very long life. I hope so.

FIELDING Or maybe he'll be whipped unmercifully for trespassing.

HOGARTH In any event, my sincere thanks for the efforts you have made, however frustrating they may have been for each of you.

DR JOHNSON As Mr Hogarth's co-commander I add my own thanks, but I must offer you also a new challenge, since we have not yet accomplished our mission. It is clear, or seems clear, that the girl Henny is being held somewhere in the house of this so-called Mother Needham. To fulfill our mission our entire group must storm that house tonight, and stealthily retrieve the missing girl. We will strike in dead of night. Be ready to leave here at midnight. We must persevere. Great works are achieved not by strength but by perseverance. We will persevere, and we will prevail!

CUT TO: EXTERIOR, DEAD OF NIGHT. THE HUSHED GROUP IS BEHIND BUSHES AT THE SIDE OF MOTHER NEEDHAM'S HOUSE.

DR JOHNSON Many things difficult to design prove easy to performance. Our task tonight is exactly like that. We simply need to work together cunningly to surprise our foe and extricate the girl. Do you have any questions?

SWIFT Just how will we do this, sir?

DR JOHNSON Excellent question, Dean Swift, but since that is more a question of tactics than of strategy, I will ask Mr Hogarth, my co-commander, to give you your instructions.

HOGARTH We will divide our efforts as follows. At three o'clock precisely Dr Johnson and Mr Pope will appear at the front of the house making noise and commotion and strange and frightening looks. Mr Fielding and Mr Garrick will be hiding at either side of the establishment, serving as lookouts, and getting the much-needed rest they earned on their recent journeys through the mud and brambles of our lovely English countryside. The remainder of us -- myself and Dean Swift and Dr Goldsmith -- will break into a second-storey window at the rear of the building, and surreptitiously make our entrance into the house.

GOLDSMITH How will we get up to the window, sir?

HOGARTH It is you who will do all the getting up, Mr Goldsmith. Except for great quantities of ale you consume, you hardly ever eat a meal, so you are slight enough to be hoisted up to the window by Dean Swift and myself. This is a good plan because you are the only gentleman in our party to have been a regular visitor to the establishment. So your mission is simplicity itself: get in, get the girl, and get out. Then we can all go back to my house, where Mrs Hogarth will us a meal worthy of marauding conquerors, which is what we'll be. Let's go to our stations. At three o'clock we strike!

CUT TO: HENRY FIELDING, hunkered down in the bushes at one side of the house.

CUT TO: DAVID GARRICK, hunkered down in the bushes at the other side of the house.

CUT TO: HOGARTH, SWIFT, and GOLDSMITH at the rear of the house. They are trying to position the ladder properly but are having difficulty doing so without making noise.

CUT TO: DR JOHNSON and MR POPE at the front of the house. The time now is three o'clock.

POPE It is time raise the dead. It is time to make holy hell. [They use whistles and noisemakers to make extra noise at the same time as Dean Swift presses happily on the house chimes. Their enjoyment intensifies when MOTHER NEEDHAM finally opens the door, in a state of shock.They make horrible faces, and DR JOHNSON exaggerates his normal blinks and twitches. POPE imitates Johnson.]

POPE You want to see a worm in action? Here's a worm in action! [MOTHER NEEDHAM faints.]

CUT TO: [EXTERIOR, NIGHT, THE REAR OF MOTHER NEEDHAM'S MANSION. GOLDSMITH, SWIFT, and HOGARTH, are struggling mightily with a tall ladder. SWIFT gives ups trying to climb the ladder and instead stays below to attempt to steady it. GOLDSMITH mounts the ladder, followed by HOGARTH, who steadies and pushes him.]

GOLDSMITH [when he has reached the window] The window is locked.

HOGARTH Of course it is locked. Break it!

GOLDSMITH I can't break the window. It's private private property. Breaking it would be against the law.

HOGARTH Just go ahead and break the window. Everything we're doing is illegal. It's called breaking-and-entering.

GOLDSMITH I can't do an illegal act other than public drunkenness.

SWIFT [calling up from below] Break it, and break it now, or I'll break your head. Break the damned thing! [GOLDSMITH breaks the window and enters the house.]

GOLDSMITH [loudly whispering to the others below] Victory! We are in! Have the horses ready to carry the girl and all of the rest of us back to Hogarth's house.

CUT TO: [INTERIOR, MID-MORNING, HOGARTH'S STUDIO.]

GARRICK Dr Johnson, what do you think about our little adventure rescuing that sweet little girl?

DR JOHNSON Think? Don't get me started thinking! We don't have time in the day, or the week or the month, for me to tell you what I'm thinking!

FIELDING Then what are you feeling, sir?

DR JOHNSON I am divinely exhilarated! I am thrilled as I have not been thrilled since I finished writing the entries for the letter 'E' in my dictionary. I am ecstatic -- which is one of the'E' words.

SWIFT And let's have a special toast for Mr Goldsmith, who has become the greatest second-storey man in all of England, after a little boost from his friends.

HOGARTH Huzzah!

POPE Nolly Goldsmith has gone from being a goat to being the hero of the hour.

HOGARTH Although our ale has not yet been brought upstairs from below, let us go ahead now with our toast to Mr Goldsmith: Hip-hip [all: Hooray], Hip-hip [all: Hooray], Hip-Hip [all: Hooray.] Jane, where are the gentlemen's pints of good English ale?

JANE It's only mid-morning, but I am having a servant bring them up!

DR JOHNSON Don't forget my pot of tea, please. By the way, what happened to the rescued girl?

JANE I haven't forgotten your pot of tea, sir. And the girl is downstairs toiling at honest work in my kitchen to earn her keep in this household and her honour in civil society.

DR JOHNSON I'm glad. Rescuing the girl was the right thing to do. [A servant arrives with the promised ale and tea.]

HOGARTH Let us toast again -- to Mr Goldsmith and to all of us, including especially our honorable friend the great Dr Samuel Johnson, who led us to victory. [HOGARTH leads them in another toast.]

POPE I can't describe the joy I felt when old Mother Needham collapsed to the ground upon seeing the fearsome faces of myself and Dr Johnson. Especially Dr Johnson.

DR JOHNSON Mr Hogarth, none of our great victory would have been possible without your ideas, inspiration, and general direction. I thank you, sir. I have not in my whole life had so much fun as I have had in since this adventure began. Mr Hogarth, I know I speak for us all when I say we need many more such secret and thrilling escapades, for our mental health. Can you think of any crimes to be solved or prevented?

HOGARTH Yes, sir. I can think of dozens. There are robbers, pimps, thieves, murderers and fraudsters all over London! They are everywhere.

DR JOHNSON Are there! That is excellent news. Make us a comprehensive list, Mr Hogarth, so that we will be able to spring back into action! What fun, what fun!... Our company of sleuths and adventurers must be known as 'Billy's Boys' to honor the creativity of our friend who convened this group, the great artist Billy Hogarth... But in the meantime, I needs must get back to my dictionary. I am about to begin work on words beginning with the letter 'K', a letter which is one of my very favourites. SWIFT I understand why you like the 'K' words, Dr Johnson. They are among my favourites too. Which ones do you like best? Do you like the word 'kill'? [DR JOHNSON and DEAN SWIFT huddle together to discuss the 'K' words among them. We hear the discussion focus on the words 'kill', 'killer,' and 'killing' until we can no longer hear what they are saying.]

FADE DOWN TO CREDITS THE END [DURING THE CREDITS, WE SEE DETAILS FROM A NUMBER OF HOGARTH'S FAMOUS ART WORKS, SUCH AS 'A HARLOT'S PROGRESS,' 'THE RAKE'S PROGRESS,' 'GIN LANE,' HIS SELF-PORTRAIT, ETC.]