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Page 3, I already like it. However, there are some technical issues that I have been guilty, as of late, of letting slip into my work. Look at the way you present characters outside of dialogue. Instead of "Victor wakes up and..." try "VICTOR wakes up and..." Also, instead of "VICTOR AVERAGE BEARDED GUY... ALONZO CLEAN CUT GUY... ART AVERAGE GUY... ADAM MUSCULAR GUY... AND JASON SKINNY BEARDED GUY WITH A JEW FRO..." try it as VICTOR - AVERAGE BEARDED GUY... ALONZO - CLEAN CUT GUY... ART - AVERAGE GUY... ADAM - MUSCULAR GUY... AND JASON - SKINNY BEARDED GUY WITH A JEW FRO..."
Thanks for the feedback Kieran! What do you think of the dialogue? I was trying to make seem real, as in what my friends and I would say. Were you able to read through the whole thing?
Victor, this is hilarious, I totally wanna watch it. However, there are obviously haters everywhere who are just looking for excuses to delete stuff from their inboxes so they don't have to read it. Keeping that in mind, you probably wanna run this whole thing through spell/grammar check. Go through and change everything to be "grammatically correct", then go through again and tweak THAT to make it realistic again. It's a lot of work, but you'll end up with something where the "real" dialogue reads like you did it that way on purpose, versus something somebody suspects you of maybe just misspelling.
Mark, I appreciate the feedback. This was my first script so I will for sure change that. Did the story flow right? Just trying to absorb as much as I can haha