You should tell us what the voices sound like because I pictured Carlo as a rough detective, and Angela as a 15 year old girl. I had to rearrange my thoughts when you finally told us what they look like. 3 - Every adventure story he's ever read, all rolled up into one" - I like that. 4 - Angela is coming out to be a little too evil. Partially because her dialogue is very on the nose, so she's saying every hurtful thing she can think of. She can have a bad personality, but she should still remain human. You should find a way to talk around her feelings., so it still stings, but she's not coming out and blatantly being hurtful. 5 - "he doesn't need to say the words" - Did you mean "she" since he asked the question? If not, I don't get that. 5 - "Either he's crazy or the truth is" - Nice. 8 - You have an extra space between blue eyes and his dialogue. 8 - 'They land on "A" small patch' 10 - I'm not entirely sure I understood the connection between the story and Carlo's request for the gold. I didn't get the ending. So was Carlo altering the medication dosages so his dad will tell him where the treasure was?

Thanks for the feedback Jean-Pierre!