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Hi, Peter. Thanks for sharing! I love supernatural/horror films! One problem I had early on was motioning them to five pillows. She just happened to have exactly five pillows for five people? It seems a weird coincidence, unless you are doing it on purpose to suggest she was expecting them! Also, I think you need to say "pillows on the floor" or "pillows on the ground" because the first thing I thought of were 5 pillows on a couch. Also, were they arranged in a circle around something? Then this was a problem: The Beautiful Gypsy nods to the patrons and bends over to whisper to Telemonna, who listens, then turns to her patrons. TELEMONNA Wait here. I think you need to state explicitly that Telemonna AND the Beautiful Gypsy exit the room (or tent). "cubbard" should be cupboard "ISIS It is not a collection you want to be part of."---- This seems to be giving away the plot too much. The 5 people are going to be collected into an evil menagerie? [After I read further, this seemed confirmed--I think you should take out that line.] So I'm at page 26 now, and I am not feeling invested at all in these characters. I think when the gypsies leave the room, you should have the absence be a little bit longer so that we can see their personalities more clearly. And/or have them talk outside the tent a little longer before they go into it. How old are they? High school students? College students? Young adults? I have no clue. Are any of them a couple, or all just friends? Do they work together? How do they know each other? Right now, as of page 26, the only personality traits I understand is that Tyler is a cocky flirt and Leilanni seems to be a bit psychic, perhaps. The others have no distinguishable personality traits. Also, I don't understand why the granddaughter gypsy read from the cards which she knew were so dangerous? This would make more sense to me if she did NOT understand that this was a dangerous deck, if she had totally screwed up by accident. OKAY, more later....!
So, let me clarify something I said earlier. You identified the characters as "college students", but only somebody reading the screenplay would KNOW that. The people watching the movie will not know that until the characters do something or say something to demonstrate they are in college together.
Page 31: "(looks at her phone) I only have 1 bar left." WHAT? HUH? They are in a supernatural dimension but still getting cellphone service? Page 33: I am guessing the 5 little sarcophagi are people stopping the main sarcophagi from escaping--and these 5 college students will end up having to take up that duty. Is the foreshadowing too strong? Page 33: "The three, now armed with crude spears, find the Ferryman waiting." WHAT? HUH? I think they need to find the spears or make the spears! OKAY, I really like it, but I'm stopping at page 50 because I need to take care of some other things this afternoon. Also, now I want to see this movie! It took me awhile to get hooked, though. Something needs to be done to heighten interest earlier in the script, without giving too much away. Maybe one of the gypsies could be shown thinking about the Demon Deck, and the viewers could see little glimpses of the supernatural world--the ferry man, the mausoleum, the scary manor, a howling wolf. Just fleeting glimpses. Perhaps a gypsy could be dusting the shelves, or looking for something else on the shelves, and pause to touch that locked box and think about it.
Hi Ardua. Thanks so much for reading. I will definitely go through this again with your comments in mind. Fyi the cell phone bar I mentioned was just power, so her flashlight app worked even though the phone didn't. I thought I'd leave it up to the director and costume people to show them as college students, but you're correct in that it couldn't hurt to make it (and everything else) crystal clear. I know what you mean about foreshadowing, but I figured that since they were brought into the DD world so soon, I didn't need any more than I had (not sure about that one...). The 5 pillows could be corrected easily enough, but I kind of like that there are 5, just because they are part of something so big that no one truly understands it--that could be easily changed, though, at least;) Hope you like the end!