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Traumatized by the suicide of his sister during his formative years, a troubled young man secretly struggles to separate violence and pleasure.
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Your logline has loads of internal conflict and you can tell the piece works with rich psychological complexities. HOWEVER, this logline frames the story such that the reader never has a CLEAR PICTURE of what this movie might LOOK like. It's full of deeply felt emotions, but we need something more concrete: events, setting, other visualizations that will help conjure IMAGES in our heads as we read. Words and phrases like "suicide" "powerful urge" "morbid fantasies" "broken mind" and "demons" are all super vague and missed opportunities to more plainly tell your story. Why Cowboy, as well? So, respectfully, I submit: more details and specifics, less emotions and themes.
Zach, Thanks for reading and commenting on my logline. Your comments were very helpful. I do want to clarify that the emotional aspects of the story are the images I wish to conjure. This movie is an intimate portrait of a man fighting a losing battle against his inner demons. That said, try this logline on for size: Childhood games of cowboys and indians are cut short for one boy when he discovers his sister's body after she cuts her wrists. The images of her death contort his sexual awakening and lead to a man with the potential to become a serial rapist and murderer. His violent urges subvert his attempts to lead a normal life, and as he slowly slips into acting out his darkest fantasies, his gnawing conscience maybe his undoing.
C.m. You don’t have a logline, it’s a paragraph. A good logline is about 30 words +/- 5 words. Also you don’t need the type of plot summary you’ve written. Your current logline is 92 words, which is three times the optimum length. Here is an example of what you should have: While losing the reins on his sanity, a hedonistic young man seeking redemption finds it exceedingly difficult to suppress the inner voices urging him to act out his twisted violent fantasies.
Thanks, Phillip and John. Both of your suggestions are really good. You guys must be old pros at this. Glad I reached out for help.
Wow, C.M, that's attention grabbing stuff. I read way past Page 10. Tightly written.
I read the first ten. A couple of notes: Pg. 1 sherrif = sheriff Pg. 4 conscientious = conscious. Would you kiss(?) NADINE (O.S.) goes beside character name. Pg 6. Parentheticals not necessary as the dialog pretty much conveys the way it would be spoken. I don't know what formatting program you're using, but the continueds on every page are not necessary