Glenn, notes as follows. This is the tragic story of Peter and his confession to multiple murders before taking his own life in front of his daughter. You’ll need some help with your logline as the end doesn’t really match the rest of it. It’s kind of an odd logline. It promises to build up to something but ends with a tea party so it just doesn’t work. How’s your skin, Glenn? Is it thick enough for notes? Firstly, welcome to Stage 32. Is this your first script? If so, it’s quite good for a first effort. Even if it’s not your first, it’s still good for an early script and you’re well on your way to creating something good. If I’ve made too many assumptions and you’ve been writing for quite some time then you still have a little way to go. It took a while to see where the title fits into the story but eventually I saw that the line in the script is “seven beautiful souls” so I’m not sure if your story title should change to that or you should find something else. There’s no explanation as to the shadow, is it just in Peter’s mind or is it a real entity? Did he make a deal with some sort of demon or is he insane? As far as the other characters are concerned, he was insane but what if Paige witnessed something to think that her father was forced to murder those other girls? Who’s the animal? Who is Peter talking about? If he made a deal with a demon to keep his wife alive, why did the demon take her life anyway or was it somebody else who took her life after she was saved? It’s confusing. It seems like maybe there are two bad forces at work here, the mysterious dark shadow that’s forced Peter to kill six girls and maybe some junkie that killed Peter’s wife after the dark shadow saved her? It’s just not clear. Notes I made as I read through. These are merely my observations, take what you want and ignore the rest: General – Watch your comma usage. Too often they are missing and that means your intention does not come across on the page the way that it should. General – Inconsistent usage of sluglines. The second slug you use inside Peter’s place is a mini slug but the remaining slugs are all master slugs. You should try to keep it consistent. P1 – Your opening paragraph contains a little too much prose for a script. Some will like it but I don’t. Keep it brief, keep it short and only use the words you need and eliminate everything that’s superfluous, extraneous and redundant. P1 – “The door of of the shed..” Remove one “of”. P1 – Don’t tell us things that aren’t happening unless we are expecting them to happen and there’s a reason why they’re not happening. In other words, don’t tell us the shed door is firmly shut. We’re not expecting it to be open so you don’t need to explain why it’s not. The fact that you’ve mentioned it, immediately draws the reader’s attention to it which then removes a little bit of the surprise at the end. I think it would work better if you don’t draw our attention to the shed. You don’t even need to include it in your description here as it’s used in the final scene anyway. P1 – Peter is on the phone and no other sounds are indicated except for his talking. He hangs up, walks to the window and peers out before turning to the living room and hearing a radio announcement. If the radio was already on, we would have heard it earlier. It stands out that we’re suddenly hearing it now only when an important fact is revealed and if this were filmed, the logic of this scene wouldn’t make sense. P2 – We see the dark shadow but we don’t actually see it speak so the dialogue for the Voice should be delivered as (O.S.) every time. P3 – I don’t buy Peter’s use of the word, “Animals” when talking about the girls who were murdered. Peter is the murderer and he’s wracked with guilt, it just doesn’t ring true that he would respond with “Animals”. Maybe he should look away and try to change the subject but Paige should continue as she really wants to tell him about the one she went to school with? P5 – Why would Peter try to placate the shadow by saying “I’m trying” when referring to his own daughter? P5 – “routes” should be “roots”. P8 – I’d be inclined to have Peter raise the gun but not put it to his temple straight away. Don’t give it away too early but leave us in suspense for as long as you can. So, he lifts the gun, Paige looks down at the gun in her father’s hand and backs away with a look of horror on her face. Peter simply says “There’s three more in the shed”, puts the gun to his temple and blows away half his head. This way, we don’t quite know what he’s really going to do with it until he does it. Keep the suspense running until the last second. P8 – Would Paige lift her father’s head and kiss him on the forehead? 1 – He’d have a bloody big hole in one side. 2 – She’d still be in shock and that action is more like someone who has accepted what’s happened and needs to say goodbye. Overall: I can see where you’re going with this but it still needs some work to make it really zing.

Thanks for this Pierre. A few of the issues you've pointed out, I've already thought about. You've also brought up some new points for me to think about. So thanks. This is a first draft and I'm not too sure what I want to do with it. I was going for the supernatural angle but the more and more I think about it, I'd like it to be a mental problem Peter has. A rewrite will hopefully be completed in the near future. Thank you.

Given nothing more than the information in the logline, I would feel compelled to change it to something like this: "When a young woman accepts her aging father's invitation to tea, she finds him terrorized by a mysterious 'shadow' which has invaded the family home."

Thanks Ron. I admit the logline is weak and will be changed.