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By Robert Carfang

GENRE: Action, Drama, Fantasy

An Atheistic teenager is chosen by God to fight demons


View screenplay
Chanel Ashley

Hello Robert, I'm pleased you had the courage to up-load your script - your premise sounds good, but your execution requires work - you open the story with 34 lines, too excessive- my mantras are as follows - "economy of words" - "less is more" and "show not tell" - you need to dilute your dialogue quite significantly, there is no "reel" dialogue, you write too much "real" dialogue - your syntax isn't quite right for your celestial characters, they talk like current young guys in high school - you must try and nail the first 10 pages - you tend to waffle in your story telling, building a dramatic tension is very important to maintain the reader's interest - don't take any of this as criticism, I'm making suggestions that can improve the quality of your work - good luck, cheers.

Annie Mac

Robert, great to see you had the guts to upload your script! I agree with Chanel about execution and dramatic tension. The teaser could be significantly shortened without losing vital information. The more information you give, the more diluted your message. It's a story we haven't heard before, you can make it more compelling... It would help if you focused on rewriting your first 10 or 15 pages. Give a brief but evocative description of the Heavenly Temple and the High School to create contrast. Describe in visual terms the characters, so that your reader gets quickly engaged. Yes dialogue needs to be a lot more snappy, but this will come with practice. Right now, if you haven't done it before, I would focus on writing a one page/ 3 paragraphs synopsis of your story with all the dramatic turning points in place and then post it. You may get help from this crowd Also watch typos: an... battles -- All the best :o) Keep writing!

Jody Ellis

Hi Robert, good on you for sharing your script and being open to allowing others to respond to it. I would suggest, if you haven't already, getting a copy of The Screenwriter's Bible. There are some technical errors (as a former editor, formatting errors and misspelling always jumps out at me first) that can be easily remedied if you just do some reading up on it. For example, when introducing a new character, that name is capitalized to show intro. Read some screenplays (lots available online) to get an idea of proper structure. My other suggestion would be to take a hard look at your dialogue. A lot of "on the nose" statements and hitting your audience over the head repeatedly with stuff. Be subtle, show as much as you can, limit verbal exposition and keep dialogue pithy. Congrats on your hard work and keep working! Remember the adage, writing is rewriting. Oh and I wanted to add, for tv series, the pilot script for Breaking Bad is readily available on several websites (just google it) and it is AMAZING.

Chanel Ashley

Excellent comments, Annie and Jody, I concur - Robert, you're getting some excellent advice here, it costs nothing to acknowledge people that took the time to look at your work - just a thought, my friend.

Robert Carfang

Thanks for the tips.

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