THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES

Post your loglines. Get and give feedback.

PROJECT CODE-X , THE ALPHA PLAN *

PROJECT CODE-X , THE ALPHA PLAN *
By S.J. Robinson

GENRE: Mystery, Sci-fi
LOGLINE:

When a noteworthy scientist learns the government project she's assigned to hides a dark purpose, she tries to quit, only to have her charming but super-villain boss threaten to endanger her family if she leaves.

NUTSHELL:

The Mythology of STAR WARS brought down to earth to meet very raw and moving SCHINDLER’S LIST with Female Lead.


*This is a copyrighted work. Any unauthorized use of artwork, logline, descriptions, relating to this screenplay are strictly prohibited.

SYNOPSIS:

STORY:

  • The story synopsis posted here has been removed by the author to prevent spoilers, prior to the book launch. If you are interested in reading it, please get in touch via s32.

THEMES:

  • The themes touched on in the film include: Redemption, Atonement, Unbridled Ambition, Lusts for Power, Science gone Wrong, Technology gone Wrong, Importance of Family, and the Eternal Struggle between Light and Dark Forces.

LEADS:

  • One female lead, Rebeka, the protagonist. One male lead, Junior Governor, the antagonist.

PROJECT CODE-X , THE ALPHA PLAN *

A 108 Page Professionally Polished Spec Script is available on Request of Interest, along with a very concise 2 Page Summary outlining the whole project concept. Get in touch with me if you have any questions or if you would like to discuss at length via skype.

Amanda Toney

Rated this logline

Peter Maya

Rated this logline

S.J. Robinson

Wow, Peter, and this is the logline I changed to after getting script coverage. Maybe I should revert to the original one.

S.J. Robinson

This is the original one, that the reader canned.... A young and talented scientist, naively begins working on a mysterious government project only to later find out it hides a much darker purpose; however, when she attempts to break free, she discovers that her charming but super-villain boss has no intention of letting her leave the project anytime soon.

S.J. Robinson

Would appreciate your thoughts on the original one??

Peter Maya

Maybe take my rating with a grain of salt. I'm not a logline expert or anything. I was just going by if the logline caught my attention or not. Nothing really stood out in this one to me. The other two that I rated were much better in my opinion. Sorry if I came off as rude or inconsiderate. Keep up the hard work!

S.J. Robinson

No your fine, Peter, I appreciate your honesty. I'm just going to go back to the original one that I came up with myself. I have another one too from different coverage I got (not from Stage 32 btw, someone else), but i dont really like it. It goes like this...A scientist who specializes in the effects that language has on the brain is recruited for a top secret government project, but eventually discovers she’s been assigned to control the minds of the masses.

S.J. Robinson

Ok, i've changed it back to the way I had it day 1. Thanks for your help/. Note to self: trust intuition more :)

Gilberto Villahermosa

S.J. - The logline could be a bit shorter (about 35 words) and still encapsulate everything you want to say. You do a good job of highlighting your Protagonist in the Synopsis - but very little is said about the Antagonist. What is the purpose of experimentation on children? Why does the genocide of the children take place? In short - we know what is driving Rebeka, but not what is driving the Junior-Governor.

Having said that, I am intrigued and want to read more. So in my case, you've succeeded with the logline and synopsis!

S.J. Robinson

Thanks a mill for feedback Gilberto, yes I am 15 words over with the logline. Haven't gotten around to fixing it yet! And would you believe, you are the second person who has said to me about the villain motives? Yes, I should make it more clear here. You see, it's a mystery unravelling so I am holding back a lot. He is creating a superior race, making what he sees as worthless to the future redundant. He is a man of total progressive science and has no compassion for others.

It's actually crazy to see how the screenplay has evolved tbh, as the book version was written entirely in the first person... imagine! I guess that is why protagonist motives are a lot more clear. If you would like an advance reader copy of the book, it's at http://www.vipmailinglist.net/ In the book, you really see all the events unfold from a very unique female perspective. The screenplay has become sth quite different entirely, however, and for me the evolution has been fascinating. I feel like I've changed, along with the character, if you know what I mean :)

Tom Zanca

I'm going to suggest some tweaks to your current logline. Here it is with those tweaks incorporated, then I'll give you my reasons.

"When a distinguished scientist learns that the government project she's assigned to hides a darker purpose, she tries to quit, only to have her charming but villainous boss threaten to endanger her family if she leaves."

1. I don't know what a "talented" scientist is. "Respected," "renowned," etc., I believe are more appropriate adjectives for the science world. "Talented" would be more for the cultural world.

2. You used the phrase "break free" in your version. If she was being held against her own will, then that would work. But nothing in the logline indicates that. If someone has a job and they find it to be against their morals, they quit. So I suggest "quit" or "leave."

3. I added "charming" because I don't believe that an intelligent woman would go to work for a super-villain (word of this guy would get around in the scientific community!). But if he's initially charming -- even if he has somewhat of a bad reputation -- then he might be able to charm her to join the team. Plus, you use this word in your synopsis, so it still holds true to your character bio.

4. You need to raise the stakes in your logline. Putting her life in danger is typical, but the super-villain boss could easily make up a reason why she died -- if that's her suggested outcome. But since you mention that she has a husband and daughter and they are in danger should she leave, that would really give her a reason to stay -- albeit reluctantly.

Unrelated to the logline ...

You note that the story takes place in 2098 and that the Code-X project -- human micro-chipping -- began 10 years earlier (2088). We're performing human micro-chipping today (2017), so I would believe that by 2088, we'd be much more advanced than micro-chipping. I don't believe anything of this nature will be tangible (no more flashdrives, computer chips, etc.); I believe it will be via our DNA (gene-editing, eugenics, etc.). This is truly how a superior race will be created. So can you create a more advanced means for this project so that it doesn't seem so outdated?

Hope this helps.

S.J. Robinson

Hi Tom only noticed your feedback now. Thank you for your generous commentary! Love the tweaks, will incorporate. Yes the villain is charming and he puts forward his vision so masterfully that it can be quite convincing, even for Rebeka (using ideas of Darwin and survival of the fittest etc.) Vis-a-vis the chipping, you would be surprised at how many people are unaware of this. I think it is kind of people who follow tech who really are aware of it, the vast majority are not. My hope and intention is that this script will close the divide, so more people can understand the dangers it potentially poses as we look towards the future. Thanks again and happy to have you in my network! If can return the favour, let me know

W Keith Sewell

I agree a lot with what Tom pointed out. It could benefit you to set the story in the present or near future since this technology is available today in its infancy. Was this adapted from a novel? I agree, make her leaving a life and death situation in the logline. Lose the comparisons in the tag and the synopsis. It can stand on its own with optimal wording. here's a go at what I see as your logline without reading your synopsis. because if the logline doesn't move the reader, there will be no request for the synopsis or script.

"When a noteworthy scientist discovers the project she’s assigned to, holds a darker purpose, her attempts to escape puts her family in a life and death situation and at the mercy of her charming yet sinister boss."

I hope this helps. ( I really don't like using the "charming yet .." Caring yet selfish" type of descriptions and I'm trying to get away from using them myself.)

W Keith Sewell

Rated this logline

S.J. Robinson

Hi Keith, why the 3 star rating for the updated logline that Tom suggested? I really like his suggestions and think it is way better than it was before. It also fits in with the actually story, which is important.

Re putting the story in the the present day/near future makes no sense, as while this technology is in its infancy today, there is a very interesting take on it in the story. It is an alternative world too, which would not translate to an audience well if set in the present day. If the Hunger Games were set in the present day, it would be hard for people to really use their imagination to be "transported" be the story.

W Keith Sewell

I'm sorry S. J. maybe I read the previous logline. But, I can only go by what's in the logline. I didn't see any reference to a "futuristic world, or 'in 2098" in the logline. On first contact with a reader, perspective buyer, in a proper query - all they've got to go by is your logline, to decide on whether to send you out a release for the pitch and/or script. I think we do a disservice here if we don't stick primarily to the effect one's logline has on you - The setting, essential to story should always be in the logline, especially if its in a futuristic world, or a period piece. Just my opinion.

S.J. Robinson

W Keith Sewell would the nutshell comparison to Hunger Games-style world not be enough to indicate it is set in a futuristic dystopia? I don't really know how you could fit more into the logline otherwise.. any thoughts?

Mike W. Rogers

I may have missed this in the comments but this would be a great idea for a series, if you were only thinking Feature. I definitely like this one the best.

S.J. Robinson

Thanks Michael, yes it is a series of 3. Was asked before about making into TV series but there is a definite end so wouldn't work. Thanks for taking time to comment.

Rutger Oosterhoff

Rated this logline

Cheryl Lynn Sherman

Rated this logline

S.J. Robinson

Thanks Cheryl Lynn Sherman and Dennis "Othniel" Yatsenko for your ratings. I think Dennis the definition of synopsis is very vast, well especially in publishing. In publishing you have your Short Synopsis, then you have your Back Cover Synopsis, and then you have your Long Synopsis which is your story from start to finish. From the pitch template in s32, I gathered that a synopsis of your script is basically the story start to finish, but I am still not sure tbh.

Hernán Crespo

Rated this logline

S.J. Robinson

Thanks Hernán, appreciate!

Suzanne Lutas

Rated this logline

Suzanne Lutas

The logline is enticing, but what you say in the Nutshell really hooked me! I wonder if a mixture of the two is possible? Anyway, you've really got something here!

S.J. Robinson

Thanks Suzanne Lutas , I'm trying to connect the vast universal themes with a very simple but deeply human story. There is an intrigue element too, which is revealed in stages, and the forces of light and darkness are at play throughout but the lines become blurred... (^^,)

register for stage 32 Register / Log In