It's fun. Good job! That's the most important thing when you write a comedy. When it's funny, it's funny. That been said, it could use a polish and a bit of trimming on the dialogue, specially on the second part. And I belive you need something to put the four stories together. Besides the jews on mars pay-off (good one!), the stories don't communicate with each other. They are pretty much four separate sketches, at this point.

Thank you for the feedback. Glad you thought it was funny.

Read it. I like your humor.

A few small points:

(1)

As Gustavo said:

(a) Trim your dialog

(b) something to bind the four stories together. For instance a character apearing in all stories trough time travel or whatever you want. Or all characters meet in the last act...I don't know.

(2)

Use FADE IN

(3)

EGYPT 2300 B.C. (BLACK SCREEN/WHITE TYPE)

Cut "(BLACK SCREEN/WHITE TYPE)"

Do not use directions of any kind, this is a spec script.

INT-THRONE ROOM RAMSES II-DAY

becomes

INT. THRONE ROOM RAMSES II - DAY (change throuhgh whole script)

his fingers on the left arm of the throne showing his

impatience...

(a) Give an exect age. Check whole script when introduce a character.

(b) Check script on 'repetition' of words.

becomes

RAMSESII, 40, athletic, sits on his throne taping

his fingers on its left arm, showing his

impatience.

Rutger- Thank you for the feedback.

Lots of literary visual cliches in action telling actors how to interpret characters.

Missing punctuation in dialogue makes clauses hard to parse.

Cliched figures of speech and idioms in almost every line of dialogue.

Heavy on action-free long conversations with long lines; daunting for actors?

A.S.- Thank you for the feedback.

I can get away with it too. Mr. Jacobsen. Thanks for the 3 stars.

BTW- Have met and talked with Mel. He used to eat at my families restaurant when he was working for Sid Caesar back on 'The Show of Shows' in the 1950's. If you had read my profile page you would see that my family has been connected with both Mr. Brooks and Mr. Allen for many years. Both professsionally and personally. And one more thing. That photo was taken of me when I was a baby in 1953. I am now 65 years old. So not my first rodeo when it comes to bringing the funny. Although I do appreciate you pointing out the details. But, hey kid you're going to laugh or not. I jus try. Boo-yah!

Hi Steven, I agree with everything told above. I would like to add a few things:

- The theme of History reapeting itself with the final twist are well done.

- A character linking the four episodes is a very good idea: following Mel brooks' liking for anachronism, it could be a character from the first episode.

- Although there are some good jokes, your dialogues are not so funny because of teir length and a lack of formulae ( "all by myself I killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille" Waco Kid in Blazzing Saddles).

I'd try to shorten them, dropping everything which is not a joke, and some not so good of repetitive ones too.

- IMO, there is something fundamental missing: action and visuals. Brooks is not only a master in dialogues, he's also a master in pantomime. Not mentioning Silent Movie, all of his movies are filled with as many visual gags as talking jokes. (Igor's hunchback shifting from one side to the other in Young Frankenstein, Bart taking himsel hostage and the fourth wall litteraly spilling in Blazzing Saddles, etc...). There is a great use of funny sounds too.

That's the melting of all these visual/talking/sonorous gags that makes the strength of Brooks humor.

E.G.:

- The linking character could be an Aegyptian scribe as the Bosses' secretary, writing only hyeroglyphics and using different tools: An Ipad in episode 1, a typewriter with a giant keyboard full of hieroglyphs and making great noise in episode 2, a papyrus and a goose quill in episode 3, a stone tablet and a graver spreading dust everywhere in episode 4.

- Let us hear god's voice filtered on the phone, or an intercut with God yelling at Moses and Moses telling how god speaks highly of him at Aaron.

- and so on.

Hope to be helpful.

Jean-Marie Very helpful. And thank you. After I get some more suggestions I am going to do a re-write.

Erik- I love 'COMEDIANS IN CARS GETTING COFFEE' And I remember that episode with MEL & SID having Deli. I always learn something about craft that helps me more funny with every episode.

Typo- That helps me BE more funny. Sorry.

Un other good way to improve your dialogue is to split it and to link it to action. E.G.:

MOSES

Come on Ramses. We got a package a good price to

explore the Sinai.

Ramses looks at him fondly, pats him on the shoulder.

RAMSES

Aha Moses Baby. You know

I’d love to help.

But I got construction deadlines.

Ramses points at a model on a table with dozens of pyramids

RAMSES (cont.)

I got to put three of these

craps in the ground

by New Years.

MOSES

This is crazy! You

mean in all the world,

you can’t find other slaves?

RAMSES

That's it! where am

I going to find slave labor as good

as you last minute? ... Take care!

Ramses kicks Moses' staff. It lands a few feets aside and flees crawling.

RAMSES (cont.)

There was a snake in your hand.

MOSES

(shaking his hand in disgust)

Try Ethiopians.

RAMSES

(look at his nails)

Nope... Don’t speak Amharic.

MOSES

Mesopotamians?

RAMSES

(snaps his knuckles)

Too Far.

Jean-Marie You're good. I mean really good.