Love this idea. Might I suggest you add what the stakes for your main character?

Thanks! You’re right. I’m working on it.

Thanks, Richard!

Thanks a lot, Jill. I have incorporated your words in the log-line. It sounds smoother than my previous description.

Thanks a lot, Gabriel for your rate & response. I look forward to any comments you may have about the script.

I'm 30 pages in and I really enjoy the concept of the story. I feel that you can strengthen what she stand to lose in her quest for enlightenment. I'll keep reading and update, every 30 pages.

for the logline, couple of changes to clarify the timeline: "Ananda, who GAVE up"; and "His spirit appears". also, i don't like the word "dashing".

take it for what it's worth, i am not, by any means, qualified to be rating loglines. Very interesting concept.

Hi Zak Shimose (in my humble opinion) I feel you could have taken a different approach, saying something along the lines of "can I make some suggestions?" I only say this as some people are easily discouraged. With that said, I would love for your feedback on my Logline, summary and first 10pages of my script. I am open to brutal honesty. In fact, I thrive on it.

Hi Zak and Naithan, thank you! I really appreciate your feedbacks!

Hi Zak, I agree that my log-line at the moment is very bland. No conflict, no stake, seemingly no drama!

But I intend to be like an academic But I could be wrong. I don't want to sound like a drama but more like a documentary. But Maybe I should spice it up.

Thus, I'm revising it to a new logline all the time and some people may notice and I hope they don't feel mad seeing this Buddha's shadow logline is listed on the top of browsing page all the time. It's simply because I'm changing it into a new one.

Cheers!

Hi Naithan,

Thank you for the sweet words. Yes, most people often easily feel discouraged but not me. I'm OK because I can see they try to help. To spend time writing about this -- good or bad-- is very kind! It's better than nothing and I'm in a blind.

Thank you all,

I'm trying to rate people's loglines too. It's fun when I see something interesting!

I would watch this movie, I love the concept. I just have the same critique of the logline itself as the above comments. Just tighten it up a bit.

Yes, Cannon. I'm thinking about. Stay tune. :)

Amazed at the number of responses this has gotten, considering it's not another Hollywood entertainment flick. Gave it a 3, deserves a 4 or 5 for its ambitious theme. But with a 30 million budget, no producer will touch it.

the concept appeals to me- daunting path to enlightenment- speaks of deep drama

It needs to be shorter. See if you can get it down to 25 words or less. It starts too slow but then becomes interesting as you talk about going back in time to origins of buddha. I am a Christian but I met an amazing man who was a renowned Shinto Priest in Japan. He meditated in a cave for over 20 years. He flew to see me in America when I had no idea who he was. My hands were sweating just from the energy his body was putting off. People from all over the United States flew to my business when they heard he was coming. And they all had fantastic stories of unworldly things they experienced in his presence. Through his interpreter, he asked me if I remembered a reaccurring dream I had as a child. He described it and I remembered it even as an adult. He said that I would be important in the future to the world and he wanted to meet me, because at that time he would have passed on. He wouldn't tell me what it was....and I'm not sure how to put that on my resume.

Mike, I’ve made it shorter. But your encounter with the monk/person is wow! Let me DM you later. Thank you so much for your comment.

I love the concept, but the logline itself is too long. I sent you a DM.

Thanks a bunch! It’s much better now.

Fascinating, Absolutely Fascinating! Most Americans aren't aware of Religious Traditions outside of their own experiences. More's the Pity!!!!

God’s willing...

Although I agree with Barry, I like the idea (and synopsis). The right logline will present itself.

Barry John Terblanche I would love for you to rate my loglines.

Thank you. I’m trying to shorten it.

I can see your passion in this story, and I can attest stories that created from deep passion always came through. The synopsis itself it very interesting, however I must agree with some of the colleagues here, that the urgency, the stakes is not yet shown in the logline to grasp us in. I'm starting read the script, though.

I'll send you a DM, yeah?

Yes, Tita-Dewi please send me whatever your comments. I’m thrilled to hear the encouragement from you.

To be honest, I am helpless about my logline. But the truth is historical-based movies that attempt to tell historical facts sometimes aren’t thrilling — unlike fictional stories.

And I wanted to tell the truth from the history sources I have literally. But once you read the script, please let me know what I can improve. Thanks again.

I have just finished reading Buddha's Shadow and I can advise everyone else here to do the same. It's a very inspirational tale, with a unique concept and form. I am sure one day we will see your story on the big screen. Great job Pattana!

Yes. Thanks a bunch!

Sounds like an interesting story, but you have to be careful writing a story about religion.

Thank you.

Try to make the logline in one sentence - the sacrifice he made to fulfill his dream.

It sounds interesting but the logline is lacking the BUT. What romantic disruption does the protagonist encounter to threaten their quest?

Hi Jamie, thanks for rating. It’s the problem of writing a historical genre screenplay. Because it’s based on historical data and facts, it does not sound so tantalizing like a typical made-up drama.

Great story. I agree with the comments about the logline and understand your thoughts about why you have it written it "bland." I think there still must be an approach that will perk up more interest. Good work. Thanks for reaching out.

I thought I rated your logline. In fact, I know I had given it 5 stars. Great concept.

Thank you so much!

Describe in more detail the hero, his goal and obstacles on the way to the goal. The story is good.

Thanks a lot, Benin. I look forward to hearing any comments after you read the script (how ever far). :)

You guys, thank you so much for ratings my logline. I guess I feel good because I substitute any rating I got from the logline for optioning the script.

A deep and important subject handled with love, intelligence and passion.

Hey Pattana,

I just finished reading BUDDHA’s SHADOW screenplay. Love the concept + Logline. I have a few grammar notes/suggestions:

1. Pg. 18 – at the bottom page, did you mean for Old Ananda to say “… didn’t day” or “... didn’t they”? Or is it a play on words?

2. Pg. 37 – Is Gogila blushing or flushing when saying “I–I miss y--”?

3. Pg. 43 – Old Ananda says “Most importance…” Is it “most important...”?

4. Pg. 64 – Old Ananda says “”… pregnant with a buddha’s child.” Is it A Buddha’s, or just Buddha’s?

5. Pg. 73 – At the bottom page, Middle-Age Ananda has “AN:” on the character line.

6. Side question, will the film be in English, other languages, both?

That's all from me. Keep up the good work.

Itai

Hi Itai,

Thank you!

1. Typo! Didn’t they because they are corresponding to the things. I’ve no idea why this new version has become didn’t day! Thank you!

2-5. Thanks a bunch.

6. Only in English. But do you think some actors in the Buddha’s time should have a posh English accent tainted with Indian?

How did you feel about the debate between Buddha and Sakaca? About self or non-self? I know you are a comedian so I love to hear your thought on this and perhaps improving it to be funnier.

Thanks again.

Just trying.

A biographical tale of Buddha's cousin, Prinse Ananda,who fights his corrupting inner ego's throughout his life, and finally attains the enliightement needed to persuade Buddha to grant monkhood to women.

Thanks Rut,

But he is a very kind and humble Prince. You ought to read the script. His obstacle is not his ego but his good looks and feminism. Women, thus find him irresistible. And he argues with Buddha to establish female monkhood before he has become enlightened. He is, historically, one of the most prominent monks in the Buddha’s time.

Hey Pattana,

I think a posh English accent with a hint of Indian would be interesting, but that would be more of director question. In my script for Anshel, I'm having my characters speak in English (with Israeli & European accents) and Yiddish as a way to compromise between the two worlds and to make it easier for English speaking audiences. In the case of Buddha's Shadow, I think it's fine the way it is.

To answer the second question, yes I did find the debate between Buddha and Saccaka funny. It was like a roast battle, especially towards the end where Buddha was showing his armpit and was like "I ain't sweating at all". But I think there could be a more back-and-forth intellectual battle, Saccaka towards the end seems a little defeatist agreeing with Buddha, it could be "my lord it cannot, but..." something like that. Also, why is Saccaka laughing with Buddha and everyone at the end? It seems a bit odd. When I read the scene I can't help but think of Hamilton's Cabinet Battle #1 & #2, Alexander Hamilton vs. Thomas Jefferson, both men trying to win and prove their case (obviously it's not the same in this case but just visual image).

I also liked the scene where Ginjavika approaches Buddha claiming she's having his child, and he's not having it. I think there's something to be built upon there with the message of having women in monkshood. How does it reflect on Ananda? How does he feel about it in the moment? He was the person to convince Buddha to let in women into monkshood in the first place. Sure it ended up being a false case of pregnancy, but what is stopping it from happening for real? So there could be a real moment of tension for Ananda, where the audience doesn't know what's going to happen next for the character.

Hope it helps,

Itai

Thank you, Itai. I need to emphasize that with Buddha’s immense compassion, it can hypnotize anyone, including Sacaka into the happy laughter and unarguable mode. Thanks about the logical idea to related more to the protagonist.

A logline is about the Incident first line than the solution the second line - industry executives love loglines which are 25 words max. I really do not like your logline as it is not even a logline more of a description but no hook. You do not need to say it is a biographical tale.

interesting story, people should see this story, I wish you good luck

Hi, Pattana. How have you been?

You don't have to include that it's a bio tale. A logline should be one or two sentences.

For a logline, you want something like: "After ______ (something happens), a _______ (the protagonist with an adjective) must _______ (goal of story) so ________ (stakes)."

You might want to add the antagonist in the logline.

Example (I use this example a lot when explaining loglines):

“Dog Treat Heist” (Animation/Comedy) After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff must defend a dog treat factory so they won't steal food that's meant for hungry dog families.

Thanks, Maurice. The logline you suggested will be perfect for the drama kind.

This script is a historical and biographical genre and almost a documentary kind! I’m intended to make it sound like academic (blandness/boring/intellectual). Otherwise it will be disappointing to audiences when they read the real script and I will be a fool trying to fool them to think it’s so thrilling!

Congratulations that you are one of the Stage 32 team members; you ought to suggest the team to offer a class from someone who is well known in the documentary or biopic/historical genre filmmakers or screenwriter to teach how to write a historical/biographical script and analyze famous biopics with students to understand this genre.

Thanks for your help.

You're welcome, Pattana Thaivanich. I'll pass your suggestion along to Stage 32.

This log line looks very intriguing. I’ll definitely read the screenplay