THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES

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A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE
By D A Stenard

GENRE: Comedy
LOGLINE:

You’re snowed in at a remote research station all winter. The only guy at an all-female facility. You love this one woman. A lot. She hates you. A lot. You think about sex. A lot. Gonna be a long winter.

SYNOPSIS:

MITCH DAGLITZ was born at the SEDNA ARCTIC RESEARCH STATION at the Arctic Circle. When his dad was mysteriously lost at sea, his mother SARAH stayed at the station with her infant son, hoping against hope her lost love would someday return.

Flash forward thirty years to Mitch, now grown and a full-fledged research scientist and climate change know-it-all. He lives year round at SEDNA with his mother and five other scientists. Not only year-round, but his entire life. A prime case of Thalassophobia has kept him trapped there. Yep, the world’s foremost expert on the ocean is terrified of the ocean.

Growing up in this oddly pressurized atmosphere, Mitch is has totally developed into a shy and awkward science nerd, with no experience in the social graces. Arrested adolescence rears its head anytime Mitch has to interact with the other members of the team. ESPECIALLY with the women.

Like LAURICE. She’s engaged to MARK. Mark is so fit and handsome; REI could use him as their poster boy. Laurice is a over-zealous, myopic church addict, who can’t wait to get married and lose her virginity. Again.

Laurice is best friends with DAGMAR. Dagmar has a Swedish mother and a black Air Force Sergeant father, so she can size you up and take you down with one look. Dagmar and Laurice both give a major clap back to JANINE. Janine is a bad kitty who slept her way into this assignment and into the bed of JAKE. Every job has to have a resident dilhole prick and Jake is it.

The men ridicule Mitch and the women ignore him. Mitch has called it quits on trying to be friends with any of them. He is content his vivid fantasy life, an encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek (the original of course) and a secret, on-line, chaste affair with TAMMI.

TAMMI BEAUDINE puts murder to the old cliché that gorgeous, sexy women can’t also be smart. She is hot, hot and did I mention HOT? And more. She and Mitch correspond only via email, because he’s afraid he’s not handsome enough for her and Tammi is afraid he won’t value her brain if he sees her body. Remember, I said HOT.

Tammi is situated a world away at a research post in Mexico. She ask Mitch if they could finally meet, and Mitch casually invites her to come to SEDNA, never thinking she would actually travel thousands of miles to be with him. But she does..

The men of SEDNA plan a bachelor party for Mark and don’t invite Mitch to come along to spoil the fun. As they are boarding the supply boat to go to Base Camp, Tammi disembarks for her surprise visit to Mitch. All the women are shocked that Mitch has been carrying on this secret affair. They want to see what happens with Tammi and Mitch meet for the first time, so the women accompany Tammi to Mitch’s room. Unfortunately, Mitch is in the middle of a “manual override session” and Tammi’s first visual impression is HOLY. ACTUAL. FUCK. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Mitch is mortified and stupefied. He can’t believe she’s here, but now that she IS, how can he win her over in person? He tries to make it up to her in situations that only prove more awkward and embarrassing for everyone concerned, especially him. While this is happening, the station gets word that the supply boat has to go into dry-dock for major repairs and now there is no way for the men to return or the women to leave.

Mitch and the women are stuck there for the winter.

Mitch keeps trying to win back Tammi’s affection, but everything he tries is an epic fail. The younger women feel sorry for him, so they devise a scheme They pretend to find Mitch really sexy and funny and desirable with the idea that Tammi might wonder if there’s smoke, then Mitch must be on fire. But they also make a bet on which one of them can help Mitch trick Tammi. Bad idea.

Their plan works too well, and all the women get a (you should excuse the expression) hard on for Mitch. They got an appetite for Newly Manly Mitch. Mark and Jake contact the station and find out the women are in heat and Mitch’s self-confidence is off the charts. They dom not like, and start scrambling to get back to the station.

Mitch is happy that Tammi is finally liking him again and their relationship is

on point, lit and on FYA. In fact, it’s going so well that Janie gets jealous and tells Tammi about the women’s bet AND claims Mitch was in on it as well. Nothing Mitch can say will convince Tammi his feeling for her are genuine and she locks him out of the station.

Mitch holes up in the station’s Sno Cat tractor to try to stay warm. He is awakened by the feeling of the machine moving. The ice underneath is melting. The ice is melting in EVERY direction and the station is in danger. The women still won’t let him in, so Mitch crashes the Sno Cat thru the station walls and proves to everyone they to NOW.

Trouble is they have one boat for five and they are six. Terrified of the water but determined to save the women, Mitch stays behind. Tammi vowing to come back with help as soon as she can. Once she gets the others safely back to shore, Tammi immediately heads back for Mitch. The station is almost underwater when Tammi reaches him. He is still too terrified of the water to jump, but Tammi convinces him that Life is worth living (Ok, she shows him her boobs and jumps in the water) and Mitch jumps in the water as well. Tammi saves him.

Quick jump to Vegas, Baby. Mitch and Tammi tying the knot with all their friends and relatives. The happy couple leaves for their honeymoon in a hot air balloon. Tammi discovers she has a fear of heights. The balloon floats over Laker Mead, triggering Mitch’s fear of water. Both Mitch and Tammi are full-on buggin’, as the guests watch from below and the balloon floats serenely into the sunset over the Nevada desert.

Angela Cristantello

This could be SO fun, but, it is both framed and phrased a little more like a tagline right now as opposed to a logline. Incidentally, it would be helpful to be a little bit more straightforward with the language in this. Also: what are the stakes? Once those are identified, your audience is really gonna get sucked in.

Nathaniel Baker

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