Screenwriting : Let's talk LOGLINES!! by J. Kenner

www.logline.it

http://nebula.wsimg.com/eb251c5a2e7848c7d3d9315c663a08fe?AccessKeyId=41A...

I hope Karl Segers doesn't mind me sharing, but he developed this very useful tool (still in demo mode): http://test.logline.it/generator/

Thanks Rutger Oosterhoff and Steve Cleary for the generator link ... I'll test it and see what it generates.

Eric Christopherson Thanks for the link! Have gotten a lot of good info from CL in the past ... off to read!

I can send you my book. Message me.

I recommend taking up Craig on that offer J. Kenner His book gave me some great insight when I was fresh and struggling to grasp the art of loglines. I've got to get me a hard copy sooner than later.

And in terms of giving the full story, arm...I'd say don't be too secretive, but give just enough to make the reader want to get their hands on the script to see the full picture. Cheers!

I tried that Segers link with a couple of my completed feature script. They came out pretty good.

I can definitely suggest that "TITLE meets TITLE" is not something you'll want to do in the logline - that's really more for a pitch meeting, where you're trying to condense the "feel" of your project. In the logline, I tend to stick strictly with a broad story statement, literally just a central-conflict summary. Also, I try to avoid any adjectives that try to tell the reader how to feel (just adjectives of the story points themselves - "reluctant heir," "troubling discovery," etc.) Just some initial thoughts! Good luck - and feel free to spitball ideas here if you want to run examples by us!

Here’s Christopher Lockhart’s paper on how to construct a logline: http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf. ;)

Thanks for the kind words Imo Wimana Chadband

Thanks, Imo Wimana Chadband ! got the books (thanks Craig D Griffiths ) and excited to dive in!

Thanks, Beth Fox Heisinger ! I've downloaded it to my iPad to read and mark up!

Thanks, James R. Martin ! OK...I'll toss myself into the ring. This is the "non twist reveal" version w/o title meets title. Would love comments!

While trying to prove her innocence in the murder of her suburban neighbor, a timid housewife with memory lapses learns that her husband has framed her and finds a dangerous ally in his mistress, with whom she unknowingly shares a dark secret.

NEVER tell the whole story Julie in any part of a logline you have to keep the reader with what i call the fishing logline, shall i say anymore? lol

1. Protagonist

   2. Conflict

   3. Goal

   They don't always have to be in that order but it's a good place to start.

LOL! Actually, Matthew Steinbauer , I wish you would. Are you commenting specifically on the one I posted (which isn't the whole story) or just in general? I could cut the husband part to have it be ... While trying to prove her innocence in the murder of her suburban neighbor, a timid housewife with memory lapses finds a dangerous ally in her husband's mistress, with whom she unknowingly shares a dark secret.

It has protagonist and goal. Conflict is less overt, but is there (real killer wouldn't want her to prove her innocence).

???

Hi Julie,

You should also look at the loglines on IMDB for a little mood-setting - particularly the "framed for murder" films. Or even the loglines on your TV. They are always real straightforward as to what a film is about. We're either gonna think, "yeah...I'll give that a try," or "naw...heard that one before" or "naw....not what I'm looking for." I would not reveal the twist in a logline. Not only does it take away/convolute the gist/purpose of what you're trying to accomplish (to explain effectively and concisely the main story line so someone will want to watch it/read it), it adds too many more words. And we hope there is at least a twist or two in any film, anyway.

I mostly like your logline as-is, and would watch that - as long as it held my interest, of course. I like "framed for murder" films/love triangles/deceptive relationship films. It is what your story is about. Some people may or may not feel that you need the additional tease phrase at the end, but I think it's okay. Some people want to see it in 25 words or less, too.

I'm sure you've played around with the wording order, but you may also want to consider (if you haven't): "A timid housewife who is framed for the murder of her neighbor by her husband must prove her innocence, and finds a dangerous ally in his mistress, with whom she unknowingly shares a dark secret." I don't feel like "suburban" and "with memory lapses" is really that necessary, and it does chop off a few words.

Best continued fortunes in your creative endeavors, Julie!

I like Bill's version but would chop it even more. I don't think "timid" is a great adjective in a logline (though it could work, with a lot of writerly skill, as a character attribute in the script), and I don't think the "dark secret" phrase is necessary and may be distracting. I do wonder about "dangerous ally" being included as it's obscure what that means. Does it mean the protagonist is taking a risk by trusting her? Or something else? Hence my two cents: "A suburban housewife framed for the murder of her neighbor by her own husband finds an ally in his mistress."

Your best logline structure is going to happen when you're drunk explaining your idea. Then you mine your mental thesaurus for words that convey the tone you want to set. Then you put that one aside and repeat. Once you have maybe three completely different drunk/sober combination works, you can start to frankenstein them until you have something. After that comes the self doubt and fear that it is in fact your logline preventing interest in your work. Below is my most recent for a TV pilot...we'll see what blacklist thinks soon :) Hope that helps

"Following the unexpected death of its patriarch and with the help of a psychology professor, an estranged family comes together to help their fetish porn company navigate a new era of social consciousness."

If I was to edit the logline I would have it be:

"While trying to prove herself innocent of murder, a timid housewife with amnesia finds a dangerous ally in her husband's mistress."

That has all the vital information plus two conflicts, both the adultery of her husband and her memory lapses. If you include the memory issue there is always the possibility that she really did commit the murder.

"Amnesia masks a dark secret that might make a timid housewife's journey to innocence an impossible feat or her decent into murder an inevitability.

Thanks everyone! Still at the drawing board and distilling all the comments. And Alex Sampson is correct that the memory thing is key, as even she isn't certain if she did it or not. Working, working (and thinking perhaps I'll get some bourbon and head a bit toward Charles Reid 's suggestion, LOL!)

OK, one more go. Appreciate all thoughts!!!

When a woman who suffers from memory lapses struggles to prove her innocence in a neighborhood murder, she learns that her husband framed her--and finds an unlikely ally in his mistress, who may have an agenda of her own.

Framed for murder by her husband, a woman who suffers memory loss struggles to prove her innocence with the help of an unlikely ally... his scheming mistress.

I would never give away the (major) twist, but hint at it.

Tony, in your logline (without knowing the story) "the scheming mistress" (for me) reads like a HOOK instead of a twist.

Without reading the script, it was a rewrite, a distillation, of the author's text "who may have an agenda of her own." Take out "scheming."

Framed for murder by her husband, a woman who suffers memory loss struggles to prove her innocence with the help of an unlikely ally... his mistress.

Sounds very Girl on the Trainish now. Not sure whether that's good or bad.

Yes, getting out "sheming" changes things. Does not read like a hook anymore.

Yeah I think it's definitely best not to give away the twist but just to hint at it. You should be able to give some idea of where the plot will head, without revealing the specifics.

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone! I'm still tweaking. The twist is sort of 6th Sense-ish, but I agree that the story needs to stand alone without the twist, so I'm taking all the comments to heart as I do another revision letting it gel, and then will revisit!