Good job. The two boys are not only going to defeat the police but change a misguided administration.

I have a few thoughts that I hope are welcome.... I like the story (also it has possibilities for an amazing feature). I think that on the whole it is well-written, especially the opening....I was gripped and wanted to find out more. Once the Secret Police arrive I think it loses a bit of focus and there are a couple of things which don't add up. Firstly, I think that if the Police are planning on taking the kids in for therapy (essentially psychological reprogramming) then they wouldn't give up so easily on finding them. I doubt they would consider them 'mutts' and let them go assuming they'll spread the word. They are far more likely to want to brainwash any child before letting them loose. My thought is that it would make much more sense if Nicholas somehow manages to get him and Jared out of the house and to escape. It would also have the added effect of making the ending more exciting, leaving us wondering where they've gone. I found myself hoping they had escaped.... It would also tie in with Nicholas' character as he clearly thinks he's old enough to deal with danger and it would give him an opportunity to do just that. The tension it would create when the door we think they're hiding behind is opened and they are not there would be wonderful and even their mothers will think its all over. The second thing that doesn't quite make sense is that once the police are in the house, Abby and Jess act as if they don't know why they are being arrested, yet in the previous scene they were terrified of something and packing to leave. It seems to me that in fact they did know what would happen. If that is the case, why are they acting ignorant, or are they playing they don't know? If its the latter it should perhaps be more obvious in the script.....just a thought. I think your dialogue is great and very tight, barring the final scene. I think the atmosphere and set up of the scenes is excellent. I hope that helps. Feel free to send another version for me to read if you like. I'm happy to help. I am a film music composer, but do a lot of reading too. You've definitely got something there.... so keep going!! Arhynn

your story is good if you not will add some effective event , you need add some amazing point some awesome effective event. theme is very good you need focus on story imaging if i there then what i did that situation think about creative brother.

Hello Andres, I enjoyed this script. The description and action was sharp and vivid. The tension was set from the beginning, great job!

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm excited to get back to work on this script with your advice in mind.