Pitch Feedback:
Joan, thank you for sharing *Committed*. What moved me most is your deep personal connection to the story, and your courage in revisiting these painful events to give voice to a time and system that harmed so many women. You’ve anchored this project in lived experience, and that shines through in the care and specificity of your storytelling. There’s clear emotional power in the relationship between Jan and Naomi, and Jan’s transformation from powerless daughter to advocate for the voiceless is inspiring. You’ve given us not just a cautionary tale, but a redemptive one, with a lead character who takes tragedy and turns it into purpose. That, in itself, is a story worth telling. That said, there are a few ways the pitch could be strengthened to improve clarity and structure. Right now, the document leans heavily on narrative summary, which makes it a little difficult to extract the hook and cinematic shape. A more structured format—logline, theme, character arcs, act breakdown, and comps—would help producers quickly identify the film’s commercial and emotional potential. The subject matter is rich, but the pitch could benefit from a clearer sense of pacing, escalation, and tone. For example: What’s the inciting incident? What is Jan’s midpoint shift? How does the emotional tension build across acts? These signposts will help readers envision the story as a feature-length screenplay. Finally, while I respect the true-story framing, I’d suggest adding a line about how the script balances fact and fiction, since most projects in this space are evaluated on both dramatic execution and rights clarity. That being said, your voice is clear, passionate, and grounded in lived conviction. There’s no question this is a story that matters—and your intention to honor Naomi and bring awareness to the historical mistreatment of women in psychiatric care is both timely and powerful. Thank you for sharing this with such transparency and heart. Format & Technical Proficiency The pitch conveys the essence of the story well, but it would benefit from a more formal structure, particularly for producers and reps who may be scanning for key data points like genre, tone, format, and logline. Breaking the summary into sections would help with pacing and allow your emotional voice to shine through more clearly. Clarity of Pitch The plot is emotional and clear in its intent, but a bit dense to navigate in this form. Adding a concise logline and a paragraph that maps out the emotional arc would help distill the story. The premise—misdiagnosis, betrayal, and a daughter’s fight to free her mother—is compelling and high-stakes. A tighter delivery would let that shine. Set-Up of Protagonist & World Jan is a compelling lead: young, observant, emotionally wounded, and ultimately resilient. The 1950s backdrop—particularly in the context of family secrets and institutional control—is effectively drawn. The relationship between Naomi and Jan anchors the entire piece. It’s clear, raw, and full of stakes. A little more about how Jan changes emotionally over the course of the film would help make that arc feel complete. Obstacles & Conflict The obstacles Jan faces—social, legal, and emotional—are well-stated, though the tension could be better paced. The betrayal by her father and Dr. Hill, the uphill battle with the institution, and the limitations of the time period all serve as powerful barriers. Clarifying the midpoint, climax, and resolution in dramatic terms (not just factual) would help sharpen the emotional payoffs. Clarity of Tone The tone is respectful, sober, and emotionally grounded. There’s a subtle heroism in Jan’s quiet resistance that feels very real. The emotional restraint adds to the authenticity. I’d love to see one or two moments of lightness, hope, or resilience woven into the pitch summary itself—just to preview the emotional balance of the full film. Originality of Concept Stories about wrongful commitment are not new, but this one is made unique by the personal lens and historical specificity. The true-story foundation and the protagonist’s career evolution (into mental health advocacy) give it purpose and weight. What would elevate this further is a cinematic hook or device—something that helps it stand out stylistically in a genre that can sometimes skew toward the procedural or overly bleak. Strength of Voice You write with honesty and conviction. There’s no question that this story is close to your heart—and that you’re telling it from a place of truth and care. Your voice as a nurse, an advocate, and a daughter carries the emotional resonance needed to make this land. With a bit more dramatic shaping and structure, your storytelling will meet the power of your experience. While I won’t be requesting the screenplay at this time, I want to thank you—sincerely—for the courage, compassion, and commitment you’ve brought to this pitch. You’ve lived through something that echoes in the lives of many, and your decision to tell it not as tragedy alone, but as testimony, is a gift. Keep sharing. This is the kind of story that leaves an imprint. Warmly, Sil