Hello everyone, I would love for a review of the first 5 scenes of this movie script I'm working on. Thanks and hope you'd enjoy.
SCENE 1INT. DINER - MORNING
Vintage, a lot of red, long sofas, long counter, kind of empty, people eat and drink, waitresses wear a white and red uniform and go around the place.
SUPER: "Isiah"
ISIAH is cracking sunflower seeds with his mouth. He sits with Vincent.
SUPER: "Vincent"
Vincent: The last deal wasn't like the last one, and not like the one before that, and the one before that, and so on and on and on....
Isiah: Why is that?
Vincent: Cycle of life, I guess, I don't know. Things have a tendency to change, you know how life is.
Isiah: I sure do, like the one time we
Vincent: Just like that friend I had from Israel, first time we've met he greeted my girlfriend with a kiss and a hug, I was like what the fuck man? That's my girl, and then he came to me and did the same thing, then he came to some total strangers and did the same fucking thing. I thought he was sick.
Isiah: I don't see the connection.
Vincent: I didn't finish. A year or some later, that same friend, his name was Michael if I remember correctly stopped hugging and kissing people, know why?
Isiah: Cause things have a tendency to change.
Vincent: Yeah, just like that, he felt the Americans didn't like it about him, so he changed it.
Isiah: Beautiful man, just beautiful.
Waitress approaches holding a paper notes with a pen.
Waitress: Sorry you can't Crack here, whatever this is.
Isiah: Why? Am I disturbing anyone? Causing problems?
Vincent: It doesn't seem so.
Waitress: If it was up to me I wouldn't have approached you, but it's the manager, he gives a dirty eye.
Isiah: OK, fine, I'll stop, what do you do have here?
Waitress: We have ham and eggs, this is a favorite here...
Isiah: It's the most bulshit meal you can have at a diner.
Waitress: We have pancakes...
Isiah: Let me take a guess, this is the second to ham and eggs?
Waitress: Second of what?
Isiah: Second fan favorite?
Waitress: Yeah, customers love it.
Isiah: (Interupts) let me stop you there, I think we'll get going.
Looks at vincent. Vincent implies they can leave.
Isiah: Thanks for the warm hosting.
Waitress: You're welcome.
They leave a tip and leave.
SCENE 2
INT. STASH HOUSE - DAY
Small apartment. Cuban music plays on the supersonic radio.
A fat mid 50s Cuban man smoking a fat cigar. His name is DON JUAN.
SUPER: "Don Juan"
Vincent: So, you've got something new to bring us?
Don Juan: You almost didn't deliver last time. You two are like baby snakes. Bite harder, no control, use only instincts.
Vincent: Last time was last time. We know the job, we are reliable. Professionals.
Isiah: And almost doesn't count, at the end everybody got what they wanted.
Don Juan: Nah, you are babies trying to get to the pros. And babies get killed in Miami. You are lucky the police is mine, and the judges.
He laughs.
Vincent: We are still alive.
Don Juan: Last chance to prove me wrong.
He brings a briefcase and places it on the round dark wooden table.
Don Juan: Take this to little Haiti, apartment 7-B. Don't ask what's inside, don't look inside and don't even smell it.
Isiah: What if it starts hissing?
Don Juan: Pray.
He takes another puff from the cigar.
SCENE 3
INT. 7-B HALLWAY - DAY
Isiah knocks on the door.
Vincent: I told you last time, let me talk with Don Juan.
Isiah: I think I convinced him good.
PAPA BWA opens the door.
SUPER: "Papa Bwa"
Two more men smoking cigarettes and play cards there's a fan keeping them cool. Smoke fills the room.
Vincent: You are papa bwa?
Papa bwa: Yeah, what you want?
Vincent: We came with a delivery.
He looks at the briefcase.
Papa bwa: Wait here.
He goes inside.
Isiah (silently): Some house guesting. And what the fuck is this name? Papa bwa.
Vincent: Just stay quiet.
Papa bwa comes back with a briefcase.
Papa bwa: 100,000k.
They trade the briefcases.
Vincent opens it to make sure. It looks less than it should be. He closes it.
Vincent: Cool.
He closes the door. Vincent pulls out a pistol and shoots through the door and kills Papa bwa. He opens the door rapidly and shoots the other two men in the head. Dead.
INT. 7-B APARTMENT - DAY
He closes the door.
Isiah: And you told me to be quiet.
Vincent: This isn't one hundred k, and I doubt if it's even real cash.
Isiah (freaked out): Don Juan will kill us now. Kill us.
Vincent: Maybe. (Laughs to himslef) - Baby snakes.
Vincent looks at the dead bodies.
Vincent: It's sad how you live a long life and die so shortly.
Isiah: At least you'd leave me someone to kill. It wasn't cool. Was not cool.
SCENE 4
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Isiah: What we do now?
Vincent: I have a trick in my sleeve.
Slience.
Vincent: You know life is like a pyramid scam. There's the man above all, the ceo, in our case, Don Juan the drug lord. Below him? Lieutenants. They supervise the cash is flowing. The guys on the field.
Below them there are the Enforcers.
The ones who check if you’re wearing a wire. And if you do you are dead.
Then you got the runners, us. No need for further explanation.
And below us? Junkies.
The ones who are buying lies for their broken sad lives. It’s a ladder straight up to nowhere. But as long as you're climbing,
You have a good time.
Isiah: When you started doing it?
Vincent: When I was still innocent.
SCENE 5
INT. STASH HOUSE - NIGHT
Don juan: Tell me again what happened.
Vincent: We knocked on the door, no answer, knocked again, still no answer, so I tried to open the door and voilà the door was opend I see three dead bodies.
Don Juan thinks.
Don Juan: Was the money there?
Vincent: Nada.
Don Juan: Anyone saw you?
Vincent: No.
Don juan: Entering the building?
Vincent: No.
Don Juan: Going in the apartment?
Vincent: No.
Don Juan: Going out?
Vincent: No.
Don Juan: Go back there and find who robbed me. And if you come back to me empty handed, you'd regret the day you met me.
Vincent: You are not called for no reason "The snitch slayer"
Vincent: Great.
Isiah: We'll bring him to you in 24 hours.
Don Juan: Don't get too cocky.
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Hey, Oded Nave. I like the scenes. I think what you wrote is a nice start. Here’s my feedback/suggestions:
The table conversation between Vincent and Isiah in Scene One is written well. Vincent and Isiah aren’t doing much during the conversation, but it’s interesting. They’re my favorite things about the story.
Scene One: Put Vincent’s name in all caps when you first introduce him in the script. Do the same thing for all major characters and characters who talk.
I suggest describing Isiah’s personality and putting his age when you first introduce him in the script. Also describe his appearance and clothes/accessories if they’re important to the story. You don't have to take a lot of space describing his personality, appearance, and clothes/accessories. Do the same thing for Vincent and the other characters, like the waitress in Scene One (“Waitress approaches holding a paper notes with a pen”)…..
.…. And maybe make Vincent and Isiah clash more in these five scenes and throughout the script, like in those Buddy Cop movies and other types of movies where the two lead characters are different from each other (their personalities and the things they like and dislike) and clash a lot.
Some of the dialogue in the scenes needs work. It sounds awkward/stiff. Like in Scene One ("Waitress: We have ham and eggs, this is a favorite here..."). In Scene Three ("Vincent: You are papa bwa?"). And in Scene Five ("Vincent: You are not called for no reason "The snitch slayer"").
I think the end of Scene One needs more. Right now, Vincent and Isiah are basically just talking with the waitress, getting up, and leaving. I suggest making the conversation between Vincent, Isiah, and the waitress more meaningful. And I suggest using this time (as Vincent and Isiah leave) to show the audience something about Vincent’s character, Isiah’s character, or both of their characters through action.
Describe the stash house in Scene Two some more so the reader can visualize the location. Same thing for 7-B Hallway in Scene Three.
Scene Two: “He laughs.” I suggest making that action line more appealing. Maybe Don Juan laughs, dances to the music, then switches up his mood and threatens Vincent and Isiah aggressively.
Scene Three: “PAPA BWA opens the door." Add his personality and age. Maybe give him a gun since it’s a drug deal. I suggest having him stick his head into the hallway and look around to make sure no one is around/no one is standing in the hall waiting to rob him.
Scene Three: "Papa bwa: 100,000k." Maybe have him talk in code since it’s a drug deal in case anyone is listening.
Scene Three: "He closes the door. Vincent pulls out a pistol and shoots through the door and kills Papa bwa." I wasn't expecting that!
I suggest starting Scene Four with an action line instead of dialogue so the reader will know what’s going on and know who’s in the scene right away. Same thing for the Stash House (Scene Five).
Scene Four: Maybe show the scenes (Don Juan, Lieutenants, Enforcers, Runners, and Junkies.) as Vincent talks about them in the car in voiceover. I think that'd be more interesting than just having Vincent talk about them in the car.
I like the way you ended Scene Five. Hard goal, big stakes, and ticking clock.