Screenwriting : [Feedback Request] Opening Scene of My Afrofantasy Pilot “Dhar Jaam” – Thoughts on Hook, Tension, and Visuals? by Mariane Diagne

Hi, Mariane Diagne. Welcome to the community. Stage 32 has a blog that'll help you navigate the platform and connect with creatives and industry professionals all over the world (www.stage32.com/blog/how-to-successfully-navigate-the-stage-32-platform-...).

Stage 32 had a live Community Open House the other week. The recording will be available to watch soon (www.stage32.com/education/products/stage-32-s-june-community-open-house-...). It'll also help you navigate Stage 32 and connect with creatives and industry pros.

I got a "You need access" message when I clicked your link. It'd be easier for other members if you post your scene in the comments here.

Hi, thank you so much for letting me know and for the helpful links! I’ll check out the blog and the Open House recording to get more comfortable with Stage 32.

I’m sorry about the access issue with my link. I’ll post my scene directly in the comments so it’s easier for everyone to view (also i fixed the link)

Thanks again for welcoming me!

FADE IN:

INT. ROYAL BEDROOM - NIGHT

Moonlight spills through the balcony, casting pale light

across the room. The space is quite large, draped in shades

of emerald green, gold, and white.

KING ISSA and QUEEN DIOR lie sleeping, backs turned to each

other.

CLOSE UP on QUEEN DIOR's face. Her eyes

twitch. Suddenly, she jolts awake, eyes wide.

QUEEN DIOR screams.

She sits up, turning to the balcony, staring at the sky. A

small breeze drifts through, making the curtains sway

softly.

KING ISSA jolts awake, alarmed. He reaches out, trying to

calm her.

KING ISSA

My queen, what is it?

Queen Dior keeps screaming, her eyes empty of any emotion,

still staring at the sky.

QUEEN DIOR

(whispering,

incoherent)

...

King Issa leans in, trying to understand her words.

Suddenly, three GUARDS burst into the room, swords drawn,

scanning for danger.

GUARD 1

(urgently)

Check outside. Search the room!

The guards move swiftly. One approaches the King and Queen,

but before he can speak, KING ISSA raises his hand.

KING ISSA

Quiet. Let her speak. The queen

is having a vision.

QUEEN DIOR

(repeating)

The stars are falling... they are

coming...

King Issa leans closer, ear near Queen Dior’s mouth, his

expression stern as he focuses on each word.

KING ISSA

(repeating softly)

The stars are falling... they are

coming?

2.

King Issa quickly raises his head. He gently grabs Queen

Dior’s head with both hands, turning it away from the balcony

to face him. Her face turns, but her eyes remain fixed on the

balcony.

KING ISSA (CONT'D)

Dior, my love, who is coming?

Queen Dior slowly turns her eyes to him, then raises her

hand, pointing toward the balcony.

QUEEN DIOR

(softly)

Them.

You're welcome, Mariane Diagne. The link is fixed. I'm about to read your scene.

Good start. I would be careful of using any camera direction only because that's up to the director and you can describe it in a way that gives the reader we're where you want us to be. Also, if they're sleeping back to back, that says something about their relationship so I wasn't sure if that's intentional. Keep going, you're doing good.

Thank you so much for the feedback Christopher Wells! I’ll remove the camera direction, and I appreciate you pointing that out. The sleeping back-to-back wasn’t meant to imply anything about their relationship, more for blocking so her expression could be seen and she could get up freely when she screams. I’ll adjust that for clarity. Thanks again for the encouragement!

Fantastic job on the scene and painting a picture with the action lines, Mariane Diagne! I was hooked as soon as Queen Dior woke up screaming. The scene has mystery and suspense, and I like the cliffhanger (my favorite part)! Are you planning on pitching your script or directing it yourself?

Glad I could help. Yeah if we see a couple sleeping and they aren't holding each other (though it's not realistic but in the movies it is) we the audience well assume something's wrong with their relationship and that goes for anything and everything in terms of how you block the characters. I personally don't sleep oolong my wife in bed but in film it's says a lot. Kind of funny how that works.

This is a strong start and an excellent hook for your project. You instantly set up a regal but intimate mood for the audience. The mystery draws a reader in and the Queen’s vision gives us stakes immediately.

Here are some minor tweaks that you can take or leave:

1. The opening line could be consolidated for improved clarity. Something like: “Moonlight spills through the balcony, casting a pale glow over a vast bedroom draped in emerald, gold, and white.”

Thank you so much, Maurice Vaughan ! I’m glad you enjoyed it, especially the cliffhanger. My goal is to pitch the script eventually since I don’t have directing experience, but I’m learning about videography and screenwriting as a backup plan, just in case lol. Thanks again for the encouragement!

Thank you, Christopher Wells , that actually makes a lot of sense! It’s true that movies don’t always reflect reality, and it’s interesting how every little detail can end up meaning something to the audience. I hadn’t thought about that before, but now I see how important it is when writing scenes. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it!

You're welcome, Mariane Diagne. Ok, gotcha. I asked if you were planning on pitching your script or directing it yourself because of the camera directions, but Christopher Wells pointed them out. I'm looking forward to watching Dhar Jaam!

Also, once your pilot is ready, you could post it on your profile. Producers search profiles on here for projects. Click the gear symbol in the top right-hand corner and select “Edit profile” in the drop-down menu. Scroll down to “Loglines” and click “Add/edit loglines” to the right of “Loglines.” You can also post your pilot on your profile this way: www.stage32.com/loglines (near the top where it says “Add a Logline”)

You're welcome. It takes a little getting used to but I think you'll be able to knock it out of the park.

Thank you so much for this feedback, Mark Phillips ! You’re right, it definitely reads smoother that way. I’ll work on applying this in future scenes. Really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!

Wow, I’m learning so much today! Thank you, Maurice Vaughan . I’ll definitely do that once my pilot is ready. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this, and it means a lot to have your encouragement. Looking forward to sharing more of Dhar Jaam soon!