"Hi everyone, I’m Sana, an emerging screenwriter from India working on short film scripts for competitions. I’d love to share excerpts and get your feedback to improve — happy to exchange feedback too!
Here’s the logline for my latest short:
In the chaos of the 1984 anti-Sikh riots, Jagdeesh, a student leader torn between love and mob loyalty, faces the ultimate choice. His “H” bracelet becomes a haunting symbol — not only of lost love, but of humanity’s collapse.
Does this sound engaging? Would you read this script?"
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I suggest using a photo of yourself as your profile picture. People will feel more comfortable networking and collaborating with you if they know what you look like. You can upload a picture by clicking the gear symbol in the top right-hand corner and selecting “Edit profile” in the drop-down menu, then clicking the red button underneath your location and choosing "Update profile picture."
Your short script sounds engaging. I would read it. I suggest changing "Jagdeesh, a student leader" to "a _______ (the main flaw he has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes his personality) _______ (the protagonist’s job/career/role) student leader." Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).
I think "faces the ultimate choice" and "His “H” bracelet becomes a haunting symbol — not only of lost love, but of humanity’s collapse." are vague. I suggest explaining them more.
Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s job/career/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s job/career/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).
Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.
Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using “must” to choose between two options is fine.
Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.
All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.
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More clarity might be good.
A student leader who chooses between love and mob loyalty becomes the haunting symbol of humanity’s collapse during the 1984 anti-Sikh riots.