We really want to know your opinion about the scene.
INT. HOUSE OF BERNARD AND HEDWIG.
50 - 51 years of the 20th century. Beautiful living room in an old Belgian house with fireplace. In the middle stands a table. In the fireplace burning fire. Window overlooks the park. There is a well-dressed man standing by the table. A carefully chosen suit, hair carefully laid. This is Bernard (41). Bernard straightens his hair and walks over to the table, picks up a letter, reads it and frowns. There’s an envelope from America on the table.
STACY
(voice over)
Hope you still remember me. Your green-eyed Stacy still can't sit idle. Pity we chose different patrons back then. And yours wasn't as good as it first seemed. But old connections did their work. I read a letter from a mutual acquaintance and laughed. You outmaneuvered them.
Bernard squints and throws the letter into the fire, goes to the window, clenching his fists behind him. Bernard is not happy with what’s going on. He’s not happy, but he can’t get rid of the voice.
STACY
(voice over)
Bernard, our ancestors' work mustn’t fade. We must continue what they began—but differently. Remember what Alexander said? Every action only strengthened the beast. We cut off one head, four more grow. Don’t you think we should act differently? We must destroy the foundation of this monster devouring half of Europe. Don’t abandon it. Don’t betray our forebears. Come to me. I’ve news. I wasn’t idle, though you never asked. Now I run a fascinating lab. Soon we’ll leap forward—live forever.
The heels of women’s shoes are kicked. To the right comes Bernard’s wife - a beautiful young woman. This is Hedwig (38 years old). Hedwig is a young and beautiful woman with dark hair, dressed in an elegant dress. She wears some simple jewelry. She approaches Bernard and tries to put her hand on his shoulder, but Bernard turns away. Bernard is displeased with what’s going on, but tries not to show his face.
HEDWIG
Darling, are you all right?
Bernard turns around, hesitates a little. The appearance of his wife does not please him, but Bernard tries not to show his face.
BERNARD
Yes. Everything is fine. I will have to leave for a short time.
Hedwig comes to the table and notices the envelope. She picks up the envelope from the table and smiles.
HEDWIG
Stacey. I heard Lord Alexander say she was the smartest woman he knew, that her mind could be envied by men.
Bernard looks at his wife and frowns. He is not pleased that Hedwig saw the envelope.
BERNARD
Yes, Alexander was proud of her and called him the best descendant. He knew how to understand people. Although this girl always knew how to fool anyone.
Hedwig turns to her husband. She looks at Bernard in perplexity.
HEDWIG
Descendant? Isn’t she from the east. I heard she was born in Russia. Or is that a lie?
Bernard barely shrugs.
BERNARD
Stacey from the east. I remember her coming to my father when I was only five years old. Lord Alexander called everyone who was his friend or close person. He was proud of Stacey as a student and admired her mind. Although she said that her cunning would bring a lot of trouble to all her friends.
HEDWIG
Are you sure that it will not bring us problems? The world is getting restless. They say that war will soon start again. I’m so afraid that this nightmare will come back. Bernard, I won’t survive another escape from our country. Have you heard what they say in England?
Bernard picks up his wife’s envelope and throws it into the fire.
BERNARD
Don’t worry. It won’t affect us. I’ll make sure our girls are happy. I’ll fly to her.
HEDWIG
Yes. Of course. Do as you please. I walk with the younger girls in the park. There are so many cozy places.
BERNARD
Yes, of course. How are our girls doing?
HEDWIG
Amalia is fine. She’s a wonderful girl. But Pauline lacks perseverance. She’s too active. The teachers recommend that she find something to do so that she can sit comfortably in class.
Hedwig leaves the room. Bernard looks at her and smiles.
1 person likes this
Hi, Mikka Hope. I’m a Stage 32 Lounge Moderator. I wanted to let you know I moved your post from the Composing Lounge to the Screenwriting Lounge since you’re asking for feedback on a scene.
The scene kept my attention.
I think your action lines are overwritten.
– – – – Example (first action line paragraph): You wrote “here is a well-dressed man standing by the table,” then you wrote “A carefully chosen suit.”
– – – – Example (second action line paragraph): You wrote “Bernard squints and throws the letter into the fire, goes to the window, clenching his fists behind him. Bernard is not happy with what’s going on. He’s not happy, but he can’t get rid of the voice.” You could rewrite that as “Bernard squints and throws the letter into the fire, goes to the window, clenching his fists behind him. Stacy’s voice lingers in the air:”
I suggest putting “(V.O.)” beside Stacy’s name instead of under it. It’ll save space in the script.
I think there’s too much exposition in the dialogue.
Stacy’s name is spelled “Stacey” sometimes.
1 person likes this
Agree with the comments above. I would also suggest reading ALL of Linda Seger's screenwriting books.
1 person likes this
Agree also. I would start off by noting that the formatting needs to be completely re-worked. Show the story and not tell the story. Some action would really make a difference.