Screenwriting : Help w/ Logline by Gary Davis

How does this sound? Desperate enemies set aside their differences to search for their lovers, kidnapped by a Kingpin with his sights on controlling the entire city, all while a serial killer stalks the streets.

Thank you Trey, your words are certainly more powerful than mine. It gives me something to think about.

Alle, Thank you for the feedback. The enemy is the Kingpin. The Gang-Boss has nothing to do with the serial killer. As mentioned the enemy isn't the serial killer, the serial killer is more of a sub-plot and probably can be left out. Women are rescued every day by police in the real world, so don't see any problem about putting it into a movie. As it says in the logline the goal is "rescue their women". Thanks again.

An honored detective goes rogue and teams with his criminal rival to search for their women before a Kingpin murders them and succeeds in taking over the city. - Updated.

so, only my opinions: -- Substitute "hero" for "honored." It has more immediate verbal sense / impact. -- I don't think that there is any way, in this day and age, to say "their women" and get away with it. If it were a period piece I might consider giving it a pass, but it conveys ownership. Since the object is to give a reader the least amount of things to say "no" to, I believe that's a red flag, and certainly for someone. So, now, conversely to what I said in the previous note, you might want to go with something like "their loved ones" or something inherently more clever that you come up with. -- So, something to get you going, with a more active voice: "A hero detective must team with his criminal rival to rescue their kidnapped loved ones from a murderous Kingpin plotting to take over the city." You might even want to just put a full-stop period after "murderous Kingpin." Best to you, and luck.

How will murdering these women help this Kingpin take over the city?

Yes scrap 'their women'. It's a very outdated and chauvinist concept. I have a neighbour who refers to his wife and daughters as 'my women'. It grinds my gears every time he says it! A cop must go rogue and team up with his criminal counterpart to save the city and the women they love.

Or: A cop must go rogue and team up with his criminal counterpart to save the city and the women they love from a murderous underworld mastermind.

Thank you all for your feedback, it's much appreciated. @Jeffery, I will take on board what you say about "their women".

I agree with Jeffery's comments, especially about dropping "the women" part that others mentioned as well. I also partially agree with Alle, if the script isn't written then the logline doesn't have to be either. However, I see no problem in putting some effort in to it. Play with it for awhile but don't let it agonize you. Remember, it will be a fluid statement until the entire project is finished so be prepared to watch it change as you go.

Another Country heard from; we all have opinions; etc: I've often found that with a logline clearly in your mind, it helps focus your story. Why (if your logline makes sense) did those things resonate with you, and are they as sharply focused in the meat of your script, or have you drifted off-course. Absolutely, adjust your logline when you believe your story has been refined to a perfect roux, but also, allow your logline to be a rudder. Does it say exciting and dynamic things that your script does not fullfill? -- Well, is that a mistake in your logline or your script. Best, and luck (and g'morning, lol)

If "we" had a bunch of women, "we" would certainly want to rescue "our women". Your words do make a difference. You are a writer. Who are the women? Female police officers? Is a gang boss kidnapping female police officers? Forget the serial killer, rescue your fellow officers! Your logline brings about more confusion than cohesion. Think about the story first and whether it makes sense in the real world. Then, write your logline.

Thanks again for all your input. The script which I'm very happy with is complete, but I'm certainly not getting it across in my logline. I will take it back to the bare bones and start again.

I came up with this after all your feedback and a lack of sleep. :) "A hero detective reluctantly teams with his criminal rival to rescue their loved ones who are held as ransom by a gang-lord who strives to take over the city." I think that pretty much sums it up. Night all!

I'm just going to suggest you tweak this slightly mostly because of the sentence construction which goes a bit wrong with the 2 whos. Also 'reluctantly' lacks urgency, and 'strives' usually means striving for a good cause not an evil one. So: A hero detective is forced to team with his criminal rival to rescue their loved ones held to ransom by a gang-lord plotting to take over the city.

Two women are missing in the city. Two husbands on opposite sides of the law must risk everything to join together to find them.

Thanks both for you input.